I shouldn't be allowed to drive

I've been a big mess lately... hell, for almost a year now. That's nothing new. I've been a mess before many many times in my life, and I will no doubt be a big mess again in the future many many times. But there is something new lately.... I can't drive for shit.

Between my severe depression, the ovarian pain, taking tons of painkillers, and just overall crapness, I can't concentrate on driving. A couple weeks ago there was a bad snowstorm, and one day I went to go pick up a coworker to give her a drive to work. On the way from her place to the office I stopped for food, and I hit a parked car in the restaurant's parking lot. It was partially that the snow prevented me from stopping in time, but it also was because I wasn't paying close enough attention. Luckily it caused no damage to the other vehicle and there was no one inside it when it happened. So it was ok, but it could have been bad.

Then there was another night when I was driving that same coworker home after work, and I wasn't paying attention and ran a red light. I blew right through it without even realizing that it was red. Once again I was lucky. It was after 1 a.m. and there was no traffic.

Almost daily I zone out while driving to the point that I'll miss exits on the highways or turn down the wrong streets. I often start crying while I'm driving. Sometimes I cry because I'm upset about life, but sometimes a song comes on the radio that brings me to tears. Either way trying to drive on an interstate during rush hour traffic is dangerous when I'm crying. I'm constantly almost hitting other cars because I am not paying attention. One of these days I'm really afraid I won't be so lucky.

It does suck because I worry about having a big accident or causing someone else to wreck when I'm zoning out, but I don't have much choice because I have no one to drive me to and from work or to my mystery shopping assignments, and I sure as hell don't want to pay for a taxi every time I have to go somewhere.

Project 365 - photos 28 and 29

On Tuesday I did a mystery shopping assignment at my favorite clothing store. I didn't find any clothes to buy there, but two of their home decor items caught my eye. The quotes perfectly fit me and my current life. I decided to take photos of both of them, which makes up for one of the days I missed at the beginning of the year. They were actually colored exactly the same, and I changed them up using Photoshop.

Project 365 - photo 27

I saw this church as I was driving between mystery shopping assignments tonight and thought it was so beautiful so I wanted to share it with everyone.

Is Effexor making me more depressed?

I ran out of Effexor Sunday night, so I didn't have one to take last night. I've been expecting to start going through withdrawals all day, but the headaches have never started. Actually I've felt damn good today. I've felt happy today. I haven't felt depressed at all, so why am I always so damn depressed when I have taken the Effexor?

Is it a sin to ....

Is it a sin to lose a Bible? How about three Bibles?

I bought a new Bible yesterday because for the life of me I can not find the three Bibles I had. I've been looking for them for over a year. I've looked all over my house and in the boxes of mine at my mom's house, and I can't find them. Normally I wouldn't be upset about something like that because you can always buy a new Bible, but these three Bibles held important meanings for me and my family.

One of the Bibles was given to me at my high school graduation. It was a gift from the town's ministers' alliance and had my name engraved on the cover.

The other two were given to my parents when they got married by the church where their wedding was held. My mom's was a very bridal looking Bible, petite in white with lace and silver metallic page edges. My father's was red and much more manly. My mom gave them to me when I was a teenager because I was much more religious than my brothers and she hoped that I would one day pass them on to my children. I really cherished having them because, well, it was the only physical proof I ever had that there was one time that my parents actually were in love and happy.

The Bibles were in a box somewhere with all my school yearbooks. I can't find the yearbooks either. I have a very strong feeling that my ex-husband lit them all on fire and had a bonfire during one of his drunken rages... probably during one of the times when he took a hammer and bashed in the TVs and appliances. The Bibles and yearbooks are irreplaceable due to the memories they contain.

I haven't had the heart to tell my mom that the Bibles are gone yet. She knows that the yearbooks are missing. She's known that for over a year, but I can't bring myself to tell her that the Bibles were with them. She keeps telling me, "You may have lost the yearbooks, but you got out with your life and the dog, and that's the most important thing." I know she'd say the same thing about the Bibles. I know she'd say she cares more about me than the Bibles, but I am still too sad about it all to tell her. I don't want to upset her. I know she won't blame me at all and she'll just blame the psycho ex-husband, but I feel like I've let her down. She gave me the Bibles to take care of them and pass them on, but I let them disappear. I let her Bible and the memories become casualties of my failed marriage.

What color are you? I'm gray

I just found an article through Yahoo's health news about colors that represent happiness verses colors that represent depression. (You can read it at the bottom of this blog post)

I think it's a no-brainer for anyone who is or has ever been severely depressed that grays are the colors that supposedly best describe depressed people.

The article includes a color wheel and shows which colors represent depression/anxiety, happiness, and "healthy" people, and I think that I'm in the 34-35 range, meaning that I'm in the darker gray. (You can click the color wheel for a larger, more readable version)

It shows that bright yellow supposedly best represents happiness. I must not be the average person because when I feel happy, yellow is the last color I'd say represents my mood. I'm more of a purple (color #18)

So my question to you guys is ... What color are you today?




Different Colors Describe Happiness vs. Depression

By Stephanie Pappas, LiveScience

Are you in a gray mood today? How about a blue funk? Maybe you're seeing red, because you're green with jealousy. The colors we use to describe emotions may be more useful than you think, according to new research.

The study found that people with depression or anxiety were more likely to associate their mood with the color gray, while happier people preferred yellow. The results, which are detailed today in the journal BMC Medical Research Methodology, could help doctors gauge the moods of children and other patients who have trouble communicating verbally.

"This is a way of measuring anxiety and depression which gets away from the use of language," study co-author and gastroenterologist Peter Whorwell of University Hospital South Manchester told LiveScience. "What is very interesting is that this might actually be a better way of capturing the patient's mood than questions."

Colors are often used as metaphors for moods, but no one had systematically researched color associations, Whorwell said. To investigate, he and his colleagues picked eight colors — red, orange, green, purple, blue, yellow, pink and brown — and split each into four shades. They then added white, black and four shades of gray for a total of 38 options. After meeting with focus groups, the researchers decided to display the colors in the form of a wheel.

Next, they recruited 105 healthy adults, 110 anxious adults and 108 depressed adults and mailed them printouts of the color wheel. Each person was asked to pick their favorite color, as well as the color they were most "drawn to." Finally, they were asked to pick a color that described their day-to-day mood over the last several months. Another group of 204 healthy volunteers classified each color as positive, negative or neutral.

Whether depressed, anxious or healthy, people liked blue and yellow. Blue 28 on the color wheel was the most popular favorite color among healthy people, while Blue 27 (which is a little darker than 28) got first place among people with anxiety and depression. Meanwhile, Yellow 14 was picked as the color most likely to catch the eye.

But when it came to mood, the groups diverged. Only 39 percent of healthy people associated their mood with a color at all. Of those who did, Yellow 14 was the most popular choice, with about 20 percent of the votes. Meanwhile, about 30 percent of people with anxiety picked a shade of gray, as did more than half of depressed volunteers. In comparison, healthy volunteers described their mood with a shade of gray only about 10 percent of the time.

The researchers also found that when assigning a mood to colors, saturation matters.

"A light blue is not associated with a poor mood, but a dark blue is," Whorwell said. "The shade of color is more important than the color itself."

Whorwell is now testing the wheel on patients with irritable bowel syndrome. He's hoping that color choices can reveal patients' attitudes and predict how well they will respond to treatments like hypnosis. Because people are embarrassed by gastroenterogical symptoms, Whorewell said, non-verbal methods of getting information are sometimes preferable to conversation. And, he said, with additional research, the wheel could be used in medical fields from pediatrics to surgery.

"You've got an instrument now," Whorwell said. "Now people have to play with it and find out the applications."