oh, where to begin...

Oh, where to begin...

So I met with the psychiatrist today. Let me start by saying he was a complete jackass, and he's foreign and I kept having to have him repeat himself because I could not understand him.

When I first got in there, he asked why I was there. I said that I have been depressed for over 10 years, have anxiety problems, and suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. I said that I'm Seroquel which is making me gain weight and I need to be on some other medicine that doesn't make me gain weight that actually makes me less depressed.

After everything was said and done what did he tell me? I needed to be taken off Seroquel and put on another medicine that doesn't make me gain weight and makes me less depressed. Did I really need to pay him over $200 to hear him repeat exactly what I told him?

He asked me all the usual questions about my history with depression, about the self-harm, about my past suicide attempts (surprisingly he didn't ask if I was currently suicidal, which personally I think is really messed up), about my family's history with depression, etc.

He had me talk about all the medications I've been on. I guess I was supposed to keep a record of exactly when I was on specific medicines with specific dosages. How am I supposed to remember how much Zoloft I was on when I was 16? That was 10 years ago!

He asked about all the medications my family has been on. I'm sorry, but I don't go around asking my relatives what anti-depressants they're on. Yes, I know a lot of them take anti-depressants, but it's none of my business if they're on Effexor or Zoloft or anything else. I mean I understand why he asked because I know if something works for my mom, it may work for me because of a similar genetic makeup, but still it's none of my business.

One thing I thought was really fucked up was when he asked how long I was married, he automatically asked "So you decided not to have kids?" Does every couple have to have kids right after they're married? I know tons of couples who are married a lot longer than 4 years when they decide to have kids. Anyways, I had to explain to him that we had been trying to get pregnant for the last 4 years, but my husband has a low sperm count so it just hasn't happened yet. Then he asked, "well why haven't you tried other methods?" Frankly, what did that have to do with why I was there? I should have just shut him up by saying we decided to get a dog instead of trying expensive methods of getting pregnant.

Then he went through the depression/anxiety questionnaire that I had to fill out. One question he asked flat out was about my disinterest in sex. He asked how long it had been since we had sex and if it was due to my lack of interest, his lack of interest, or both. I guess he automatically assumed if my husband had a low sperm count that he doesn't have much interest in sex. I don't have a problem discussing sex with most people, but a middle-aged foreign man that I can barely understand isn't really someone I want to discuss that with. I think just asking if I had a low sex drive would have been enough.

He asked about my Borderline diagnosis. Then asked which of the symptoms I had, which I told him. He agreed with the diagnosis.

He decided to take me off Seroquel. He put me on Effexor, which I've been on before and it worked so-so. He told me to cut my Lexapro in half, and he added Xanax, which I've also been on before and it worked really good. I have to go back in two weeks from now and he's going to add Topamax at that time. Another thing that really bothered me was when we were discussing Xanax. I told him when I was on it, it gave me severe constipation, and he quickly said, "Xanax doesn't do that." I'm sorry, but I think I know my body better than some medical book. We'll see how things go this time around with the Xanax.

Concerning the Seroquel... he told me just to quit it cold turkey. WTF? Everyone I've heard from that has taken it has said that it was hell coming off of. Shouldn't I be tapering off it? My normal doctor would be tapering me off it. I'm not going to risk the withdrawals. I'm going to go ahead and taper off it.

He said he wanted to put me in an inpatient facility for 2-3 weeks to get my medicine right. I said no flat out. If my normal doctor had said that, I might have considered it, but I don't like this guy. I'm not going to let him lock me up, especially when the paperwork for my job says that I have to go back Monday or my job could be terminated.

I asked him if he could fill out the paperwork for my job. He said one of his staff members would fill it out and he'd sign it, then the staff would mail it. So I won't have any idea what is written on the form. I just had to drop it off with the receptionist. It bothers me that I won't have any idea what they write on it. It also bothers me that they charged me $20 just to fill it out. What the hell? I should have had my normal doctor do it. He would have done it for free.

My husband took copies of the paperwork with him to his anger management group tonight and showed the doctor who teaches the group. (Is that what you call it? Teaches? Maybe it's better to say he "leads" the group. Anyways, that doesn't matter.) He told my husband that the laws have changed here in Oklahoma concerning sick leave. Apparently anytime you take off anymore, you have to give them specific medical reasons, so my mental health is not really protected now. I told my husband to ask the doctor next week for a recommendation for a psychiatrist. Maybe I can find one I can actually understand when he/she talks.

Speaking of my husband... We slept in different rooms last night and will probably for all the nights in the foreseeable future. I have severe issues sleeping on our bed anymore. I can't get comfortable, so I lose a lot of sleep. I already have enough trouble sleeping, I don't need anything to add to it. So I'm sleeping on the futon in my office. Yeah, so futons suck, but I find it more comfortable than our bed. Maybe after I get off the Seroquel, I'll be back to normal sleeping habits. Ever since I got increased to 300 mg of Seroquel, I haven't been able to sleep right.

I got an email today from someone at Shades of Grey thanking me for joining the website. The person made a point I hadn't thought about. She/he said maybe I could get Oreo certified as an assistance dog for my anxiety and take him to work with me. I love that idea, but I'm not sure Oreo is smart enough or calm enough to be an assistance dog. He's hyper all the time, so I doubt he could sit there through eight hours of work, plus a couple of my coworkers are allergic to dogs, so that would be an issue. Anyways it was a nice thought. (BTW I did get my BPD awareness bracelet from Shades of Grey the other day. I can't remember if I posted that I got it.)

Now onto less pleasant things (I know, less pleasant than my bitching about the psychiatrist?)... I keep getting emails and comments from people who read 1-3 blog entries and think they know me. I know by having this blog I open myself up to criticism, and I can accept it, but people really need to get their facts straight before they decide to criticize my life. Someone recently posted a comment saying I was crazy for thinking I could sue my company when I've just been self-diagnosed with Borderline, and then the person posted an entry in their own blog going off about people who self-diagnose themselves with stuff. I guess since they only probably read the "Reintroducing myself" post and one or two more that they haven't read that I got diagnosed by a doctor and that diagnosis was backed up by a counselor and a psychologist. Anyways, I got my diagnosis today from the psychiatrist, so that doesn't matter anymore. I just think that people should read alot more of my blog before they make assumptions. I don't go onto their blogs, read two entries, then preach to them what they should or shouldn't do.

I also had someone assume since my thyroid test came back with a problem that my thyroid must be causing my depression. I was diagnosed with severe depression when I was 16, which was 10 years ago. My thyroid has been tested at least 8 times in those 10 years, and this is the first test that came back bad. Somehow it just doesn't add up that my thyroid is causing my depression.

For some reason I guess people come onto here and read the "Reintroducing myself" post and think they know me. That post is to introduce my issues. It in no means describes my entire life. If that's the only post you read, you're missing a lot of facts.

Ok, so that was a massively long post. If anyone makes it clear to the end I'll be shocked. :D