I got thinking about something when I was driving a little bit ago.
I fell instantly in love with "Sober" by Pink, like I said in the post earlier today. My other favorite song to listen to right now is also called "Sober" by Kelly Clarkson.
That's got to be either a weird coincidence or be somehow connected to the fact that I've been pretty much sober for about 3 years. I was a pretty heavy drinker from when I was 20 to 23, which is pretty normal. For quite a while from 21-22 I got drunk every day. I was dealing with so much shit, between the abuse from my father, dealing with my bisexuality and some other crap that was happening, that I wanted anything to escape the pain.
I had a few nights here and there when I had a few drinks in the last few years, and there was the one night in 2006 after AIP's arrest when I got completely wasted. And of course, I can't drink now.
I am proud of myself for sticking to not really drinking. The craving has always been there, but I haven't caved in. I'm also proud of myself for stopping the prescription drug abuse and of course stopping the self-harm. No one can take that pride away from me, no matter what they try.
When I was driving and lost in the "Sober" thoughts, I was driving down NW 23rd Street here in OKC. I don't know what it is about 23rd Street that makes me have epiphanies. It's where I was driving over a year ago and crying when I looked up and saw the saying "Nothing but dreams for the dreamer" spray painted on the side of a building. That quote has stuck with me ever since. I don't really know its significance to the world, but it holds a deep meaning to me.
Anywayz today I was lost in thought and suddenly I realized that I was singing along to a song that was on the radio. I do that sometimes I'll sing song on the radio without realizing I'm doing it. The song was "Shout to the Lord." That song held so much meaning to me when I was super-Christian. I lost a lot of faith in God when I was 19. It's not something I talk about much.
I was a very innocent virgin planning to wait until marriage, and I was about to transfer to a religious college to become a youth minister. I was in a relationship with ex-boyfriend Ryan, the son of my minister, and we planned to be together forever. He had plans to one day become a minister also. He knew I planned to wait until marriage for sex, but for whatever reason he didn't feel the same way. He ended up having a one-night stand with a chick and she wound up getting pregnant. Ryan's brothers all told me that the girl slept around like crazy, and to this day I still question if the kid was his or not. Anyways, her parents pressured them into getting married. It shattered me, and it brought out a Borderline-type reaction. I went out and lost my virginity to ex-boyfriend A just hours before Ryan's wedding. I threw all the years of saving myself for marriage just because I was hurt.
I couldn't handle the fact that someone I cared so deeply for and someone who was really Christian and had plans to be a minister could do something like that. I couldn't believe God would let me go through so much pain. It made me question God. I didn't end up changing colleges and of course didn't go through with becoming a youth minister.
When I met AIP, things got even worse. He was very anti-Christian, anti-church. He was constantly criticizing Christians and their beliefs. So I put my desires to get close to God again on the back burner to please him. I gave up so much of myself to try to please him.
Despite all this, I have remained Christian throughout the years. I strongly believe in God, despite the fact that I question a lot of things and don't go to church regularly.
Hearing "Shout to the Lord" today brought me back to the years before Ryan got the girl pregnant. My life held so much meaning. I was so happy. I was so secure in myself and knew what I wanted from life. I let Ryan and later AIP rip that from me. NO MORE. I won't give up any more of myself for anyone in the future. I am who I am, and either you deal with it or I will kick you out of my life. I am not changing my beliefs for anyone.
0 comments:
Post a Comment