I had Stockholm Syndrome

A while back my best friend's boyfriend asked her why I'd stay married to my ex-husband for so long when he was abusing me. She couldn't give him an answer, so she just said "it's complicated." He then went onto say that if he was with a person who became abusive, it would be over the first time the abuse happened. He asked her if I just loved my ex-husband so much that I didn't want to leave, and she said that I've always said that I didn't ever really love him, so her boyfriend was just baffled.

That's a very common thing. No one can ever understand why I didn't get divorced back in 2005 when the physical abuse started, and I can't give them any real explanation. Normally I say that I felt brain-washed. Sometimes I excuse it as being Borderline and Bipolar and being so messed up myself that I couldn't get myself together enough to leave. Other times I say that I was more afraid to try to leave him than stay with him. All of that is true, but I've always known it was more than just that. One of the things that bothers me the most is how I had plenty of opportunities to turn him in before I did, but I never did. I even hid the abuse and lied to cops on more than one occasion.

I don't feel like I owe anyone an explanation, but I do want to explain what happens in an abusive relationship to people so they know what to look for if someone they know gets into an abusive situation in the future. I want to help everyone in my life know how to help people in abusive relationships. I want to help prevent other people from going through everything I've went through.


Back in 2006 after my ex-husband cut my wrist and was arrested and after I left him, I told my counselor and later a psychologist that I wanted to know why I let the abuse happen for so long. Both of them asked me why it mattered to me to know why I stayed with him when I had gotten out of the relationship and was safe. I told them that I felt I had to understand why it happened in the first place so I wouldn't get into the same situation again, but neither of them would work with me on understanding it... and wouldn't you know it... i got back together with him and the same abuse started again.

Two nights ago I was stumbling through some websites like I do almost every night now that I'm addicted to StumbleUpon, and a webpage about Stockholm Syndrome in relation to domestic abuse. I've heard about it dealing with abduction cases, but I never pieced it together that someone who's being abused could also go through it.

I found an article by Joseph M. Carver that talks about the syndrome and abuse: "Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser." It explains so much of what I went through. I'm definitely going to be bringing this up in counseling. It's definitely a "must read" article for anyone who is in or has been in an abusive relationship and for anyone who wants to understand the type of situation I was in.


Here's some points from the article that stuck out to me....

While the situation doesn't make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is - Yes!

It's important to understand the components of Stockholm Syndrome as they relate to abusive and controlling relationships. Once the syndrome is understood, it's easier to understand why victims support, love, and even defend their abusers and controllers.

Every syndrome has symptoms or behaviors and Stockholm Syndrome is no exception. While a clear-cut list has not been established due to varying opinions by researchers and experts, several of these features will be present:

• Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
• Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue/support them or win their release
• Support of the abuser's reasons and behaviors
• Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim
• Supportive behaviors by the victim, at times helping the abuser
• Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or detachment

In threatening and survival situations, we look for evidence of hope – a small sign that the situation may improve. When an abuser/controller shows the victim some small kindness, even though it is to the abusers benefit as well, the victim interprets that small kindness as a positive trait of the captor.

During the relationship, the abuser/controller may share information about their past – how they were mistreated, abused, neglected, or wronged. The victim begins to feel the abuser/controller may be capable of fixing their behavior or worse yet, that they (abuser) may also be a "victim". Sympathy may develop toward the abuser and we often hear the victim of Stockholm Syndrome defending their abuser with "I know he fractured my jaw and ribs…but he's troubled. He had a rough childhood!" Losers and abusers may admit they need psychiatric help or acknowledge they are mentally disturbed, however, it's almost always after they have already abused or intimidated the victim. The admission is a way of denying responsibility for the abuse.

In abusive and controlling relationships, the victim has the sense they are always "walking on eggshells" – fearful of saying or doing anything that might prompt a violent/intimidating outburst. For their survival, they begin to see the world through the abuser's perspective. They begin to fix things that might prompt an outburst, act in ways they know makes the abuser happy, or avoid aspects of their own life that may prompt a problem. If we only have a dollar in our pocket, then most of our decisions become financial decisions. If our partner is an abuser or controller, then the majority of our decisions are based on our perception of the abuser's potential reaction. We become preoccupied with the needs, desires, and habits of the abuser/controller.

Taking the abuser's perspective as a survival technique can become so intense that the victim actually develops anger toward those trying to help them. The abuser is already angry and resentful toward anyone who would provide the victim support, typically using multiple methods and manipulations to isolate the victim from others. Any contact the victim has with supportive people in the community is met with accusations, threats, and/or violent outbursts. Victims then turn on their family – fearing family contact will cause additional violence and abuse in the home. At this point, victims curse their parents and friends, tell them not to call and stop interfering, and break off communication with others. Agreeing with the abuser/controller, supportive others are now viewed as "causing trouble" and must be avoided. Many victims threaten their family and friends with restraining orders if they continue to "interfere" or try to help the victim in their situation. On the surface it would appear that they have sided with the abuser/controller. In truth, they are trying to minimize contact situation that might make them a target of additional verbal abuse or intimidation. If a casual phone call from Mom prompts a two-hour temper outburst with threats and accusations – the victim quickly realizes it's safer if Mom stops calling. If simply telling Mom to stop calling doesn't work, for his or her own safety the victim may accuse Mom of attempting to ruin the relationship and demand that she stop calling.

In severe cases of Stockholm Syndrome in relationships, the victim may have difficulty leaving the abuser and may actually feel the abusive situation is their fault. In law enforcement situations, the victim may actually feel the arrest of their partner for physical abuse or battering is their fault.

In unhealthy relationships and definitely in Stockholm Syndrome there is a daily preoccupation with "trouble". Trouble is any individual, group, situation, comment, casual glance, or cold meal that may produce a temper tantrum or verbal abuse from the controller or abuser. To survive, "trouble" is to be avoided at all costs. The victim must control situations that produce trouble. That may include avoiding family, friends, co-workers, and anyone who may create "trouble" in the abusive relationship. The victim does not hate family and friends; they are only avoiding "trouble"! The victim also cleans the house, calms the children, scans the mail, avoids certain topics, and anticipates every issue of the controller or abuse in an effort to avoid "trouble".

Stockholm Syndrome produces an unhealthy bond with the controller and abuser. It is the reason many victims continue to support an abuser after the relationship is over. It's also the reason they continue to see "the good side" of an abusive individual and appear sympathetic to someone who has mentally and sometimes physically abused them.