McClatchy Newspapers
After 19-year-old singer Chris Brown was accused last month of beating his girlfriend, singer Rihanna, 21, anonymous opinions about the superstars spread across the Internet.
Some commenters refused to believe the clean-cut Brown could have done it. Earlier this month, Brown was charged by Los Angeles prosecutors with felony assault and making criminal threats. And despite the police photos of a battered Rihanna leaked online, some people accused her of faking her injuries to get attention.
Others said Rihanna must have enjoyed the abuse, because she seemed willing to get back together with Brown. Indeed, celebrity gossip Web site TMZ.com reports that the couple recently sneaked into the studio together to record a duet a love song.
So what's up with that?
It's Charhys Bailey's job to help confused teens understand.
Bailey, youth program coordinator of the YWCA Pierce County in Washington state, teaches classes on healthy relationships and teen dating violence. She has taken her message of prevention to high schools in Pierce County.
And recent Bailey led a discussion of the Brown-Rihanna incident with 10 teen boys and girls at a meeting of the Sisters of Vision, a youth group sponsored by Allen A.M.E. Church in Tacoma, Wash.
Several of the teens reported the gossip they'd heard through the news media and online: Rihanna hit Brown first. He was angry because she was cheating on him, or he blamed her for giving him a sexually transmitted disease.
“Why are people focusing on what Rihanna has done?” Bailey asked the teens.
“Because people like Chris Brown so much, so they blame it all on the woman,” answered 12-year-old Timiki McGee.
Cheryl Jones, Sisters of Vision leader, posed another question to the teens: “Does it matter if she gave him herpes, if she slapped him or if she started it?”
“No,” everyone answered in unison.
Trennesia Jackson, 16, said she thought everyone was talking about Rihanna “to add more interest, more flames to the fire, to keep a spotlight on the issue.”
Bailey explained that blaming the victim is a typical reaction to domestic violence episodes. But, she added, victims shouldn't make the mistake of blaming themselves. “It's not about you, it's about the abuser,” she told the teens.
Sometimes it is difficult for teenagers to recognize what's abusive behavior. While physical abuse can leave bruises or other marks, verbal or emotional abuse may be more subtle.
Teenagers who say they're friends may hurl insults at each other and insist it's all in fun. “Sometimes people think it's just joking,” says Jackson. “But then one person gets serious, and it's not funny any more.”
One of the warning signs of abuse is jealousy that borders on possessiveness. And with technology such as texting and cell phones, jealous behavior can take on new dimensions.
“There's a difference between someone calling to say they love you, or that they're concerned about you, and someone constantly texting you, calling you or accusing you of being with someone else,” Bailey says.
Teens, especially, may misinterpret possessiveness. “A young woman may see it as attention — he loves me, or he wouldn't be so jealous,” Bailey says.
Abusers often appear on the surface as the perfect partner — loveable, talented, charming and romantic, but their real goal is to exercise power over their partners. Their tools are manipulation and isolation. “They try to control your actions, your thoughts, your family and friends,” Bailey says. “They try to change your whole outlook, to keep you confined to their world.”
For example, a teen abuser may force a partner to drop out of sports or other school activities, arguing that the couple needs to spend every minute together.
One in five teens in a serious relationship report being hit, slapped or pushed by a partner, according to the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline. And while the preponderance of abuse among teens is male on female, Bailey says that the reverse can also occur. She's heard young men complain that they feel helpless when their girlfriends “fight like a man.”
“The components are the same,” she says.
Many people make the mistake of thinking that domestic abuse is about anger. But, Bailey says, it's really about someone using anger to control someone else.
TEEN RELATIONSHIP ABUSE: WHAT TO WATCH FOR
In victims
- Unexplained bruises or injuries
- Drinking or drug use in an effort to cope with the abuse
- Changes in dress, aimed at pleasing the abuser
- Making excuses for a partner's bad behavior
In abusers
- Extreme jealousy
- Hitting, slapping, punching, kicking you
- Repeated texting or calling to check up on you
- Stalking, either in person or online, including tracking which Web sites you visit
- Constant name-calling or put-downs
- Telling you to give up beloved activities or friends so you can spend more time with the abuser
- Threatening to hurt or kill you if you break up
- Telling you what to wear
- Forcing you to have sex before you're ready
WHO TO TALK TO
If you are a teen who is suffering physical or emotional abuse at the hands of your partner, or you know someone who is, don't keep it a secret.
- A friend
- Your parent or a friend's parent
- A teacher, a principal or a school counselor
- A domestic violence hot line
- A pastor or a youth adviser
- A police officer or a school security officer
- A coach
HOW TO HELP A FRIEND
- Listen
- Respect her privacy
- Don't tell her what to do. She is already being controlled and you don't want to re-victimize her
- Don't make her feel stupid or embarrassed.
- Let her know you're concerned and that you're there for her when she's ready to talk
- Offer to be with her when she talks to an adult, either in person or anonymously through a telephone hot line
RESOURCES
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: www.loveisrespect.org or 1-866-331-9474
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