After almost five years of abuse from my ex-husband, I had a lot of post-traumatic stress related issues, but it's been months since I had any of the problems. But last night I had a PTSD-related anxiety attack in the middle of the night. I think it was probably due to all the stress going on in my life right now. Everything keeps building up and it's putting me completely on edge.
Around 4:45 a.m. I woke up when I heard a weird noise that sounded like a cell phone beeping. My phone showed no indication that it had beeped, so I don't know if I actually dreamed the noise or if I really did hear something.
Regardless if I really heard a beep or not, it sent me into a complete panic that someone may be in the house. My ex-husband used to drink all night and would burst into the bedroom, wake me up, and abuse me. The beep brought back all those horribly painful memories. It brought back all the images of being pinned down with my ex-husband holding a knife to my throat and of him cutting my wrist.
I started freaking out about every single noise I heard after I woke up. I curled up in the fetus position shaking with my heart pounding as fast and hard as it possibly could. I really felt like I was going to have a heart attack there for a while. It took about 30 minutes to calm myself down, but I was able to talk myself down from the anxiety attack.
I wish I could've called a friend to help talk me through it, but I've discovered in the last several months that all my good friends turn off their phones when they go to bed or just ignore it when I call in the middle of the night. It makes me mad... what if I was about to kill myself and they would just ignore my call? What kind of friend is that???
I sometimes call my mom in the middle of the night when something like that happens, but I always feel bad about waking her up, especially when something else is bothering her, and since her friend just died, I figured I wouldn't put extra stress on her this time.
I really thought I was passed all the PTSD stuff, but I guess there is bound to be some lingering effects. It may take years to overcome it completely.
Photo courtesy of Flickr
5 comments:
I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone. That's rough to deal with and I know how it feels to not have someone to call while that's happening.
I also have PTSD and one of my biggest triggers is someone knocking on the front door. Instant anxiety attack. If I'm alone, even worse. If they're insistent - full blown panic attack. That's just ONE of the things that causes my panic/anxiety to blow a fuse. I know how it feels.
You can call me anytime. I can't promise I'll hear the phone but I never ignore calls. Specially not middle of the night ones. Usually those are the important ones. Contact me for my number.
Scientifically speaking, it only takes 90 seconds for our biochemistry to capture and then release us, which means after the first minute and a half everything we experience in this sort of anxiety attack is, technically, our emotions going haywire.
Not that that's a huge comfort, but when that used to happen to me I wish I'd known that the thoughts causing the prolonged attack were all that were at fault, and, more importantly, were something I could control.
For myself, I found that in those instances it really helped me to DO something. i.e. Put on all the lights and play some music that I love. Watch some TV. Essentially, anything that would distract me from the thoughts that were continuing to affect me.
Ah, PTSD is such a trip, isn't it?? Caused by the extreme power of our mind, continued by that power, only healed by that power, too.
What an awful experience to go through. With your history of abuse it's understandable that you reacted the way you did. If you need anyone to contact in the middle of the night I'd be more than willing to take that call. You can contact me through my e-mail if you want. I'm glad you were able to make it through that terrifying time.
Wow that is scary! I would have done the same thing. With my PSTD I have bouts where I get full fledged panic attacks (when things trigger my anxiety), and then periods of depressions. When I start feeling the depression coming on I start blog hopping around to try to find others who share my same experiences. It really does help to know that I am not alone. I have found some great people online who have the same issues happening in their lives. I have found them to be the best resources for me during these times- my friends who do not have PSTD do not completely understand what I am going through. I also like to read books on the subject of PTDS and have found Dr. Bray's latest book, "No Open Wounds" to be very helpful. He offers some great coping techniques that have been extremely beneficial to me.
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