Weird week for friends

I've had a very unusual week when it comes to my friends. One of my current best friends made a shocking announcement yesterday, I caught up with two friends from my past, and I found out that an ex-friend was still alive. Let's start with the current friend...

Friend #1

Yesterday I was talking to the friend and told her about how my divorce went through Thursday. Suddenly she told me she was going to leave her live-in boyfriend who she's been with forever. They bought a house last year together. I knew that he was out of work right now, but I really thought was their only real problem. Apparently they've been fighting like crazy for a while and he treats her like crap. When she told me that yesterday, I thought she wasn't going to do it immediately, but she told him last night that she was leaving him. Of course, he didn't take it very well, and today she's rattled. I told her that no matter how bad it feels right now, at least he isn't like my ex-husband. Almost every time I tried to end the marriage, he'd put a knife to my neck and would kick/punch holes in the walls.

Friend #2

The ex-friend who I found out is alive was one of my best friends in elementary school and the beginning of our 7th grade year. Suddenly one week she was there and the next week she wasn't in school anymore and no one knew where she went. There were a few rumors but no one knew anything for sure. Her four younger brothers were all still in school, but they were too young to really know what was going on. I hadn't heard anything from her since before she left, and no one I knew had heard anything either. Finally this week I saw that her older brother had made a myspace page, so I added him even though I never really knew him too well. I looked in his photos and there were photos of her, so I at least know she's still alive now. I may get brave enough to ask him about her, but I don't know how well that would go over. He always hated my father with a great passion so I'm shocked he'd even add me as a friend.

Friend #3

A couple weeks ago I mentioned that I found the myspace page of the brother of my best friend from junior high. I found her page this week, not by looking at his page directly. He had one of the other sisters on his friends list, so I looked at her page, which had my friend. My friend had her mother's page which the other two didn't have. Anyways, I've added them all to my list.

I sent a message to my friend a few days ago, and we've exchanged a few messages. She said that she's still married but now with two kids (last I had known she only had one), and she works as a home health nurse for 5 elderly women.

A little background on her... She moved into my town when we were 13 with her mom, grandparents, and three siblings. We were both tomboy-ish so we were instantly drawn together cuz most tomboys don't want to hang out with the girly-girls. Acutally calling her a tomboy is an understatement. She was a boy in a girl's body. We spent all the time we possibly could together hanging out. Our younger brothers even became best friends, and one of her younger sisters had a major crush on my brother.

When we were almost 16, her grandparents and mom decided to move to run from massive debts they had built up. I kept in touch with her until we were 18. She got pregnant at 17 (or maybe she was already 18), and after giving birth, she and the guy got married. I went to her wedding, but after that we had less and less contact. Once I was almost 20, we had no contact whatsoever because we both got so involved in our own lives.

After a while I got curious about her, so I started trying to search for her. I looked at online court documents, did every possible free people search, and searched myspace and facebook, but I could never find out where she or her family were. She apparently made her myspace account several months ago, but I have no idea what name she used. I checked her maiden name and married name and her page never come up.

Friend #4

The other long-lost friend I found this week is the strangest thing out of all four. She was my roommate during my first year of college. We would have remained roommates during our second year, but I decided to transfer to a school closer to home (which is a whole different story). I talked to her once or twice near the end of our second year, and she told me that she was working as a stripper, which blew me away because when I lived with her she was a very Christian virgin. In the year after I left the college, she transformed into a stripper. I still can't believe it.

I've also spent years trying to find her. I found a couple speeding tickets on her, but never really found any real information. I've been on her sister's facebook list for quite a while. I asked her sister about her a couple years ago and I got a very vague response from the sister about how she really didn't know where she was.

This week suddenly the ex-roommate showed up in the "People you may know" thing on facebook. I was so happy, so I added her. Yesterday I sent her a message asking how she's been and I said I hope her life has been better than mine has been in the last 5 years. She replied by saying, "It's been mad, that's how. F***ing mad! I've got stories that would curl your hair. Take your most outrageous soap opera and multiply the drama by an exponent of 253. Such are the plot twists that have been." I sent another message saying that I wasn't so sure about that 'cuz I've had a lot of drama and I explained a little of what's happened. She was then like "yeah you win in the drama department." She then typed up a message detailing her life since I last talked to her. I copy and pasted it into Word so I could exactly how long it was and it was over 1,000 words so it was a massive note.

In her note she said that she had gotten together with a guy right after I left the college, she quit school after a while and moved in with him. She started stripping and he was waiting tables, and they were barely making it by financially. The both sank into a deep depression. Her super Christian parents found out that she was living with the guy and stripping, and they showed up to drag her out of the apartment but she stayed with the guy and stopped talking to her family which explains the weird conversation I had with her sister. The guy quit college, but pretended he was still going to school so she wouldn't know he quit.

When things were at their worst, she met an attorney and fell in love immediately. She and the first guy split up, and then she found out that the attorney was actually married and had been lying to her. Surprisingly he left his wife for her, but that relationship was really bad also. Then one day she found out the first guy committed suicide mainly because he had never gotten over her. That basically broke her mentally. The attorney dumped her when she got really bad. After trying to kill herself, someone (not sure exactly who) had her committed for a little while.

Now she's living with her sister whose husband is in the military and gone until May. She's dating a new guy who's a ... in her own words ... "dirt poor musician/actor whose death wish both fascinates and horrifies me. Sometimes I have to fight not to scream, upon listening to his darker music, his confessions of self-hatred, or catching glimpses of past and present substance abuse." She said she realizes it's probably not the best thing for her because he's really similar to the ex who killed himself, but you can never help who you love.

After reading that, I couldn't believe any of it. She was always so secure, so stable when I lived with her. I think her Christian faith was strong enough until she was 20 that it kept her together, but something changed, maybe when she met the guy.

It all sounded so much like me. I went through a similar transformation when I was 19-20. I was a super Christian virgin also until I left that college. I lost my faith in God and slowly began to crumble. Once I met my ex-husband, everything crashed in. The moral of her and my stories I guess is that no matter what religion you are, that belief in a higher power helps a lot. Not having faith in anything makes you very breakable, for a lack of a better word.

So anyways after reading her long-ass message, I sent her an even longer one telling her all about my life including the fact that I spent a month going to a mental health facility myself. I thought maybe if I told her about that and my struggles with depression that she might not feel quite so alone in her problems.

Best divorce cake so far

I found my favorite divorce cake so far. Very violent, but so awesome...

she's in love with a draq queen?

I've been having an intense craving for a Taco Bell crunchwrap supreme and chicken quesadilla for the last several weeks. I finally caved today, even though I know my doctors would give me a lecture about it since I really need to eat healthier than that right now.

When I was standing at the little island with the sauces, napkins, etc., I overheard two women who were probably in their mid-60s talking at the table next to the island. I couldn't believe what I heard:

"I know you're heartbroken. I know you were physically in love with him because he was a drag queen, but it would have never worked out between you mentally."

I was stunned. I just froze and I'm sure my eyes were wide open. I've said this plenty of times before ... I'm extremely open-minded about people's lifestyles. I don't judge people, but I do think people should have some restraint on what they say in public. They could have at least whispered it if they really wanted to have the conversation in a packed restaurant with kids nearby. (Just for the record, I don't have any problem with drag queens and I don't have a problem with someone finding them attractive.)

When I heard the comment, a ton of thoughts raced through my head:
"Did I really just hear her say that?"
"I can't believe she'd say that in public"
"I can't believe ANYONE would say that in public"
"I'd at least whisper it"
"Those women are almost old enough to be my grandma"
"What if it was my grandmother having that conversation?"
"What would these women's grandkids think if they heard it?"
"I hope those kids who are 5 feet away from them didn't hear her say dragqueen"
"Should I think it's funny or be a little weirded out?"

The only table open was next to theirs, so I sat next to them trying to zone out because I didn't want to know what would come up in the conversation after her mentioning being physically attracted to a drag queen.

I called my mom a little while after leaving Taco Bell and she laughed really hard at the thought. I think she was having the same thought as me: What if it was her mother talking about it?


P.S. For some reason I thought a photo of a drag queen monkey would benefit this post. I'm not sure why. Plus, I think the monkey looks a lot like the grandmother on my father's side. She has almost the same bone structure in her face as this monkey and looks that ridiculous when she wears makeup.

Slightly less violent divorce cakes

Two more cakes to ponder (click to make larger)

Thursday was a wonderful day

Wonderful day

It's 2 a.m. Friday. Yesterday was an interesting day. As I said in the last post, I went down to the courthouse and had my divorce granted. It was a default divorce because my ex-husband never responded to the divorce petition. More on that later.


BOOK GRAB

Right after I got to work yesterday, we had one of our "book grabs." One of the benefits of working for a media outlet is that book/cd/movie companies send us books, cds, and movies to review. After they're reviewed instead of trashing them or letting them sit around collecting dust, they let us take some home. They put them all in a conference room and let us run wild. I got 8 cds, which I left at work, one dvd, and 16 books. Normally I find all sorts of mental health books, but this time there weren't too many of them. The dvd was "Senior Skip Day," which I've never heard of but it has Tara Reid and is a comedy, so I'm sure it was worth grabbing. Here's the books I got and their topics:

• The Art of Confident Living (self-esteem)
• Refusing Despair (poetry)
• Shaken to the Core (abuse)
• Building Sand Castles (addictions)
• The Purity Test (book of 2,000 personal questions)
• The disorganized mind (ADHD)
• Fitting in is Overrated (Survival guide for "outsiders")
• Weary Souls, Shattered by Life (poetry)
• The Addict (addictions, of course)
• The Love Response (relationships)
• America Anonymous (addictions)
• Why Him? Why Her? (relationships)
• Getting Naked Again (relationships/self-esteem)
• The Kosher Sutra (sex)
• The Bride of Casa Dracula (vampire novel)
• Big Juicy Lips (romance novel)

TAXES

Right after the book grab, they handed out the W-2s. I was so happy to get it. I love doing taxes, which most people think is bizarre. I started doing my parents taxes when I was 13 or 14. I have a knack for numbers. I started estimating my taxes a few weeks ago, but without the W-2, I couldn't get an exact amount of return.

Filing was difficult this year because when my computer crashed a few months ago I lost the tax document files I had saved. There were printed copies at one point, but I've looked through all the paperwork in the house and haven't been able to find them. I found 2005 and 2006, but not 2007. I found the amount of last year's refund from old bank statements, and I've talked to the IRS a few times on the phone.

My ex-husband demanded that we file taxes separately instead of jointly, which was fine with me because I knew the refund would be at least three times of what it was in the past few years. First I estimated our taxes if we filed jointly (I had to guess at his yearly income since I don't know if he's had any income after I kicked him out on Sept. 3 or not... I doubt he has, but I estimated two months of income in case he miraculously has a job). Then I estimated the taxes with us filing separately.

Last year we only got $393 back from federal and we had to pay money to the state. My estimate for 2007's returns (federal and state combined) if we filed jointly was about $1,600, meaning that we'd both get about $800.

Why so much higher? Since we bought a house last January, I got the benefit of claiming mortgage interest and of claiming a home office for my mystery shopping business, which on paper always appears to be a loss anyways. Plus, I could claim my student loan interest and medical expenses. When I estimated my ex-husband's taxes if he filed separately, it appeared like he'd barely get any money back, if he even got anything back.

So what's the final totals for my tax returns? ... drum roll please ... $1,071 for federal and $346 for state, so $1,417 total. And I get to keep that all for myself! He doesn't get a penny of it ... and that was his own stupidity.


DIVORCE

When my lawyer and I were sitting in the courtroom waiting to go talk to the judge, I got to listen to a very funny conversation between two other lawyers. One represented a husband and the other represented his wife. Apparently the husband had filed for divorce in 2003, but they dismissed it and got back together. Then in 2006, the wife filed for a legal separation, which they dismissed. And now they've filed for divorce again. The lawyers were talking about how crazy their clients were. Thank God the couple wasn't there with them. My ex-husband and I split up a bunch of times, but we never filed anything before this time, so at least we're not as crazy as the couple they were talking about.

A bunch of my friends have told me to have a divorce party, and I'm considering it, but of course, I can't drink so I don't know how much fun it would be fun for me. On Twitter, Miss Lola Snow of Marine Snow suggested I have a cake like the one to above at my party. That's an awesome idea. I love that cake, especially the blood running down the cake. Considering that my aunt is a professional cake baker/decorator in her free-time, I could get a cake like that made so easily and for free.

I'm dying to go into details about the divorce. Hell, I've been dying to for months now, but I still can't say too much until some certain things get worked out. As soon as I can talk about it, I promise to get on here and tell you guys everything. Here's what I can tell you at this point:

I got the sole ownership of the house and everything in it. I offered to give him the house so I could move up to where my fiancee R. lives, but he said he didn't want it. In the end, I'm happy about having the house. R will move down here when he can. I got my car, but it was in my name only anyway.

I was granted all the money that was in our joint banking account, which was all my money anyways. My ex-husband accused me of breaking the law by closing the account back in September without his knowledge. There is nothing illegal with that. He could have done the same thing. He could have walked into the bank, closed the account, and taken all the money. Of course, he would have been stealing my money.

When I first met with my lawyer back in August (a few weeks before I kicked my ex-husband out), he asked me if there was anything I knew of that would make my ex-husband cause problems during the divorce. I told him about a couple things -- my relationship with R. and the fact that I was about to start a family -- and he said I should probably hide that stuff until after the divorce was final, but he said it was up to me on if I revealed it or not. He advised me to be a "model citizen" until the divorce was granted. But I couldn't wait until the divorce was final to tell people what all was going on. Frankly, I never cared if he caused problems or not. He's not worth my time.


BATTLE OF THE BLOGS

My ex-husband has a blog on his myspace page. I used to look at it until the middle of November, when I decided I just didn't give a shit what he said. But that hasn't stopped my fiancee, co-workers, friends, and a few cousins from looking at it. At least three of my co-workers read it all the time. My best friend, my tattoo artist friend, and a guy friend who lives a few blocks away look at it some times. A few of my cousins went searching for his myspace page after I announced that I filed for divorce.

Everyone seems to think it's funny that I'll post something in my blog and he'll go off about it in his blog. They'll email me or call me telling me what he says. Basically I don't have any need to look at it myself because they tell me everything it says anyways.

The comments everyone has about his blog are pretty funny. I can't count how many times I've been asked, "What kind of crack is he smoking?" or "Is he really that stupid?" Actually, you can't even imagine how many people refer to him as "stupid," "moron," "idiot," "crackhead," etc.

It's now almost 4 a.m. Took about 2 hours to write this entry.

Is your partner cheating?

Relationship 911: Is your partner cheating?

Relationship911.com

The suspicion that your relationship partner may be cheating on you is usually linked to one or more of the following factors: Insecurity, projection, intuition, noticeable changes in your partner's behavior, or objective facts and circumstances. Consider the following:

INSECURITY

If you suspect your partner is cheating, and yet there is absolutely no objective evidence or behavioral changes in your partner to support your suspicion, then it's very possible you may be experiencing a bout of insecurity. This might be stemming from feelings of low self-esteem, depression, anxiety or a general inability to trust. Therefore, exploring your feelings in more detail is a good idea before confronting your partner with your unfounded suspicions.

PROJECTION

Projection is a classic psychological manifestation wherein a person projects onto others his or her own feelings about certain thought or actions which he or she is engaged in, or maybe contemplating. For example, if you are cheating or thinking of cheating, then it would not be out of the ordinary for you to project your feelings about this onto your partner, such that you might begin to suspect that he or she is cheating. Projection serves the purpose of blinding us to our own unresolved or uncomfortable feelings, particularly guilt, by transposing them onto others. Therefore, if you are cheating or thinking of doing so, and you suspect that your partner is cheating, you might try stopping for awhile to see if your suspicions disappear. If they do, then clearly you are projecting. In any event, if you are cheating, or contemplating doing so, you need to explore this issue independent of what you partner may or may not be doing.

INTUITION

Intuition is sometimes referred to as a gift. Perhaps what best describes intuition is that it is a way of knowing things which are below the level of consciousness, and which are not represented by observable facts or circumstances. If you get a “gut” feeling that your partner may be cheating, and you can rule out insecurity and projection, then you should probably honor your intuition and explore a bit further. It's not a good idea, however, to confront your partner solely on the basis of your intuitive feelings. Rather you should wait to gather more concrete evidence.

BEHAVIORAL CHANGES

Changes in your partner's behavior or habits can be due to any number of circumstances, stressors, and events. However, if your partner starts exhibiting any of the following changed behaviors, then perhaps more exploration is called for:

— Taking extra ordinary care with physical appearance, clothing, hair, weight etc.

— Working later than usual, or taking more “business” trips than usual.

— Presenting you with gifts and flowers more often than what is usual.

— Discernible lack of interest in sex, or a sudden interest in uncharacteristic, kinky or aggressive sex.

— Sudden change in his or her availability to be contacted by phone when at work or away.

— Not wearing his/her wedding or engagement ring.

— Jumps up to answer incoming phone calls before you do.

— Begins taking showers upon returning home.

— Returns home with wet hair or smells or appears as if he/she may have bathed prior to returning home.

— Has a new key or keys on his/her key ring, yet claims not to remember what the key or keys are for.

— Is picking fights with you as a pretext to leave the house for long periods of time.

— Seems overly defensive when asked to account for his/her time or whereabouts.

OBJECTIVE FACTS OR CIRCUMSTANCES

If your suspicion is based on an objective fact or circumstance such as finding a love letter, finding lipstick or makeup stains, smelling perfume or cologne on him or her that is unfamiliar, or being told by a reliable source that “something may be going on,” then clearly your suspicions are well-founded and deserve further exploration.

Though it should be obvious, it is probably necessary to point out that concerns over whether your partner is cheating on you are only valid if you are in a professed exclusive relationship. If you are not in an exclusive relationship, but are simply dating non-exclusively, then your partner's other involvements are his or her own business, and frankly, you have no basis for pursuing theories about his or her fidelity or lack thereof.

On the other hand, if you are in a professed exclusive relationship, then certainly you have the right to ascertain your partner's fidelity or lack thereof, whenever it is warranted.

But remember, there is a big difference between being insecure or paranoid, and relying on justifiable hunches and objective facts. Therefore, before you go invading your partner's privacy and leveling accusations, you need to be completely clear that you are not imagining things or engaging in projection. If you are doing so, and you proceed to accuse your partner of betrayal, then you may unwittingly put your relationship on shaky ground, particularly if your partner discovers that you have invaded his or her privacy simply because you are acting irrationally. So before jumping to conclusions, be sure to explore your feelings completely, deal with the facts as they become available, and only confront your partner when you are absolutely certain that there is infidelity taking place.

My divorce is finally final !!!!

777th post

It's only fitting that my 777th post is the one which is announcing major news (since 777 is supposed to be lucky) ...

My divorce was finally finalized today. It was supposed to be granted Monday, but with our ice/snow storm, the courthouse was closed Monday through Wednesday morning. I've had the divorce decree since before Christmas, but it took a while to get the court date.

I called my mom immediately after I left the courthouse, and she asked if I was ok with it all. I said, "Are you kidding? I'm thrilled to get rid of the jackass." Those were my exact words. She was afraid it would instantly bring back some depression.

Should I be at all sad? Should I be upset that my marriage of over 4 years just officially ended?

Every time I tell someone that I was getting divorced, they'd say "I'm sorry." I always respond by saying, "Don't apologize. The divorce is the easy part. It was the 5 years of abuse that was horrible." I always get a funny look after saying that.

Frankly, I couldn't be happier. It's probably the best day of my life thus far. I'm moving on and starting the next chapter of my life, and I'm excited. No more of his abuse.

I'll post more later. I got to get to work.

I'll end this post by asking you guys... How should I celebrate getting divorced? Leave me comments with some ideas!

How did I get 220 hits?

How did I get double my normal hits on Wednesday?

This is my 776th entry. I'm up to 30,300 hits total, which averages 39 hits per post overall. It would be more hits overall if I didn't take my two-month hiatus over the summer when I left my ex-husband and moved in with my mom for a while.

Lately I've been averaging about 110 hits per day, but suddenly I got over 220 on Wednesday, so double the normal amount. I got looking at the details on my site tracker. One person in Europe looked at 41 pages of my blog on Wednesday and a different person in Maine looked at 34 pages. Why would someone look at that many pages in one day? Those are some dedicated people. They must really want to learn about me or I fascinated them for at least one day. I really appreciate the hits, but I just don't understand it. I wouldn't look at over 30 pages on a blog in one day, but I don't have much of an attention span.

My friend Seaneen over at The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive posted an entry about how she reached 500,000 hits this week. She's had the blog since February 2007. I will be shocked when I reach 500,000, but I've had my blog since July 2007, so I guess I'm really not that far behind her.

Zoloft and Cipralex better than other drugs

Study: Zoloft and Cipralex better than other drugs

By associated press


Doctors have long assumed that most antidepressants are interchangeable.

But according to a new study, Zoloft and Cipralex work slightly better than 10 other popular drugs, and should be psychiatrists’ first choice for patients with moderate to severe depression.

Previous research found few differences between antidepressants. A U.S. government study in 2006 concluded that patients with major depression did equally well on different drugs.

But in a paper published online Thursday in the Lancet medical journal, two antidepressants came out on top, though only marginally.

International doctors examined more than 100 previous studies on a dozen antidepressants, which included nearly 26,000 patients from 1991 to 2007.

They found that Zoloft, developed by Pfizer Inc., and Cipralex, developed by Forest Laboratories in the U.S. and Danish drugmaker H. Lundbeck A/S in Europe, were the best options when considering benefits, side effects, and cost. In contrast, Pfizer’s Edronax was the least effective.

All three drugs are now available generically.

The other drugs tested were Celexa, Cymbalta, Efexor, Ixel, Luvox, Prozac, Seroxat, Remeron, and Zyban.

“The bottom line is that there is a rational hierarchy when prescribing antidepressants,” said Dr. Andrea Cipriani, the study’s lead author, of the University of Verona in Italy.

The experts judged a drug to be successful if it reduced patients’ baseline depression scores on two standardized tests by at least half and if patients had not stopped taking it within two months.

Side effects for the various drugs include nausea, sleeplessness, and sexual dysfunction.

Cipriani said all the antidepressants were effective, and that the differences between them were not huge. “If a patient is taking a drug and doing well, he should not stop and switch drugs,” he said.

Irving Kirsch, a professor of psychology at Britain’s University of Hull, predicted the study would affect doctors more than patients.

“Doctors will probably prescribe (Zoloft and Cipralex) more often, but patients may not see a big difference between one drug versus another,” he said. Psychiatrists should consider other ways to help patients, like behavioral therapy, Kirsch said.

The study was paid for by the authors’ academic institutions in Britain, Greece, Italy, and Japan.

Cipriani has not received any grants from pharmaceuticals. Several of his co-authors reported receiving funding from various makers of antidepressants.

Awesome messenger site

Chat website

Thanks to the Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness page on myspace, I found out about a new chat for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Go to meebo.com and register, then search for bpdchat. once you find it, the password is: bpd

On meebo.com, you can also sign into myspace, yahoo, msn, aim, google talk, icq, jabber, flixster, wadja, and zorpia messengers no matter where you're at, all at the same time. How else could I sign into all 12 of my messenger accounts (3 yahoo, 3 msn, 4 AIM, and 2 myspace) at once without downloading software? It's so awesome! Also you can send files and do video/audio chats. I'm all about video chatting. Another thing I think is cool is that on certain ones of the messengers, you can see if you're on a certain person's friends and if it's blocked.

My dad looked at my myspace

Haha

I was looking at my site tracker that is on my personal myspace page (not the blog page), and I noticed a visit from my hometown. I clicked it just to check it out, and it was from the high school during a break between classes.

Since it was a break, I can assume it was a teacher and wasn't a student. My dad is a teacher there, so I assume it was him. It's so like him to try to spy on me. I haven't really spoken to him in 5 years since my parents got divorced. There hasn't been one word between us in almost 3 years. After he got caught looking at porn on the school computer, you'd think he'd avoid looking at anything questionable, and my profile is definitely questionable.

If he didn't realize I was bisexual before, he knows now. LOL

Funny dog picture

Haha

One of my Facebook friends posted this photo today. I so want this dog...

Secrets make me happy

Reading secrets

I've talked several times about loving Post Secret. I enjoy seeing the postcards everyone sends with their secrets. Sometimes they make me laugh and sometimes they make me sad.

I've become so addicted to Twitter lately, and today I discovered Secret Tweet that is also an anonymous way for people to submit their secrets. I spent about 30 minutes reading them. Like Post Secret I found some that made me laugh and a few that made me want to cry.

There were two that really stood out to me because they really relate to how I've felt in the last several years.

• sometimes when the phone rings i secretly hope its someone telling me my wife was killed in a car accident. i am ashamed of this.
• I wish people would realize that I'm comfortable with silence. If I don't talk, it doesn't mean I'm upset.

I don't enjoy talking much, so I really prefer the silence. People can't seem to understand that. Sometimes I like to just sit in silence and not have conversations with anyone all day.

I always secretly hoped that my ex-husband would die in a car accident because that would put a permanent end to the abuse, and I even told my boss that one day. He responded by saying, "That's not a nice thought." And I just said, "Yeah, well, it happens." I'm not ashamed of thinking this though; it's a pretty common thing for abuse victims to think of. I've had so many dreams in the last 4 1/2 months since I kicked my ex-husband out about officers coming to my door to tell me he had died in a wreck. The dreams make me happy.


Here are some sad ones that stood out to me...

• If I weren't bipolar I might care that ppl are heartless and selfish bastards
• People are easily drawn to me and often fall in love with me. However, when they do, they usually don't like what they find. :(
• i stopped hurting myself years ago.. but when i feel awful i still fantasize about it and it does make me feel a bit better.
• I'm kind of glad I got ignored as a child. It trained me focus my attention to serve others. Now I'm uncomfortable w/attention on me.
• if i kill myself, a few would be sad, but it would pass. if i dont, the sadness will last for years, after years.

These gave me laughs...

• Happy bubbly people make me want to buy a gun...
• I love when skinny girls with too much make-up glare at me with my boyfriend. That's right - fat girl got the hottie!!
• I won't date him because he hasn't read Harry Potter.
• i love britney spear's new CD.. i listen to it all the time, but i don't tell anyone.
• When I see a woman wearing a multiple earrings, I want to take them out and put them back in. I've never summoned the nerve to ask.
• i took a laxative today to purposefully discourage people from using my bathroom. success!
• I am DEATHLY afraid of bunnies
• Dear President Obama: Congratulations on the gig, but I don't think enough people have said: Dude, your wife is hot! Good job there!
• i always pick up my cat when i'm naked. i can't help it...it just feels so good.

Abuse survey

Survey about childhood and sexual abuse

I got contacted by a woman on myspace looking for participants for her thesis project. It's a survey on sexual abuse and childhood experiences. She asked me to pass the information on. Here's the information she sent me:

....

I am currently a Master's student at Purdue University Calumet in the Marriage and Family Therapy Program. I am conducting my thesis on sexual behaviors and experiences and I need help getting participants to contribute to my research.

The survey is available on-line and is completely ANONYMOUS, and no personally identifying information will be connected to your responses. Your contributions and involvement would be very beneficial to my research interests and hopes to contribute to the field of marriage and family therapy.

To participate in this research, you can click on the link below to go directly to the survey. The survey should take between 30-45 minutes to complete.

https://www. psychdata. com/s.asp?SID=124473

New collages

New collages

I haven't done this in a while. I created two new collages from images I found on Flickr. I'm hooked on the red, black, and white collages. They're not as good as my previous ones, but that's because I'm out of practice. Here's the two new ones and thumbnails of the previous ones for anyone who never saw them posted a while back. You can click the thumbnails to see the full-size images.

What the hell was she thinking?

What the hell was she thinking?

In my opinion, the dress Teri Hatcher wore to the SAG awards tonight was so ugly. She's such a pretty woman, why ruin that with an ugly dress?



For some reason it brought back memories of this horrible swan dress Bjork wore to an award show sometime in the past (probably because of that flippy piece of fabric over Teri's shoulder)...



Feel free to comment and disagree with me if you love the dresses...

I want to scratch her eyes out

Damn bitch

Have you ever had the urge to scratch someone's eyes out? That thought never crossed my mind until earlier today. Before I go into that, I'll mention something much more positive.

Friday afternoon I went to Walmart to do some grocery shopping before work. I ran into (almost literally with our carts) a woman that I worked with for two years at the newspaper I used to work at from 2004-2006. She was the advertising department manager. She's one of the nicest people I've ever known. She's always cheerful and smiling no matter what.

In 2006 they were going to promote me from layout designer/copy editor/reporter (yeah I had 3 titles) to the assistant manager of the ad department and head of advertorials (which means ads that contain stories). It was going to be a major raise and a much more interesting job. While my major in college was journalism, I minored in marketing/advertising and I decided too late in my college years that advertising was what I actually wanted to do. In addition to being the perfect job for me, I would have gotten to have this woman as my only direct boss.

Right after the made the job offer, I got an offer for the job I have now. I always tell everyone I took the job at the bigger paper because they offered me more money. In reality, they didn't offer me more money than what the promotion to assistant ad manager would've paid. Yeah there were some better benefits, including a 24-hour free gym and better health insurance, but I didn't want to work there (I still don't want to work there). None of the obvious benefits made it worth leaving a job that I would have loved.

So why did I change jobs? The answer is simple. The bigger newspaper had 24-hour security. I knew that the company could offer me much more protection from the abusive ex-husband than the smaller newspaper. (I got the job offer while he and I were separated from the first time we split up after he cut my wrist, among other things).

The security department has had a photo of him and his pickup, a detailed description, and all his vital information at the front desk since I started working there. I put them on alert pretty much from day one. They were told to never let him go past the front desk without me present.

Anyways, the woman now works at the paper I'm at now. She left her ad manager job for a salesperson position. I guess she saw that the bigger paper would have more advancement opportunities. I think it's been about a year since she took the job. I used to run into her in the parking garage or at the elevators. It's been months since I saw her, so I thought maybe she got axed during the layoffs a few months ago, but seeing her in Walmart I got to ask her. Apparently she's just running all over the place and we just haven't seen each other. It really cheered me up to run into her Friday.

She asked me if I was looking for a new job because she's known for a long time that I hate the job, but I told her about the divorce and the other things going on. She said, "Oh God, I'm so glad you're finally divorcing him. That loser didn't deserve your time."

So onto what you really want to read...

I go from running into a friendly happy woman I really like on Friday to running into a massive bitch that I hate on Saturday. She's such a hypocrite and so rude to everyone around her. She's one of those people who thinks everyone loves her but in reality everyone hates her. If it was up to me, I'd kick out of our circle in a heartbeat, but there's one person who is somehow under her spell so the rest of us put up with her. Of course, my friends and I all talk behind her back about how much of a evil bitch she is.

Early today we were all hanging out and she made a few comments in front of me that were so rude and completely not needed. I just stared her down and thought to myself, "God, I wish I didn't chew my fingernails so I could scratch her eyes out."

I think she gets off on being rude. And dear God... there's the lipstick. There's a color of lipstick she wears almost every time I run into her that makes her look like a dominatrix prostitute. I've had a conversation about the lipstick with a couple of my friends. They agree with me, but we all get disturbed quickly when we think about her possible dominatrix behaviors. We've talked about stealing the lipstick out of her purse when she's not looking sometime when we're all hanging out, but no one's been brave enough to do it yet.

Walmart pic on FailBlog.com

FailBlog.com

I had several people mention that I should put the Walmart picture on FailBlog.com, so I went ahead and did it.

Update on shooting

Shooting update

Here's all I know of right now:

A man caught vandalizing a car supposedly walked into the victims’ home in my neighborhood and shot at least two people inside. The man was damaging a car in the driveway when the owner came outside around midnight last night. The man shot at the people outside the house, followed them inside the home and shot at least two inside, he said.

There was a shooting outside my house

My crazy night

Those of you who follow me on Twitter probably noticed a whole shitload of updates from me on my phone in the last several hours, and I do apologize for that, but I had nothing better to do. I'm going to post all those updates here. Even if you did read the Twitter updates, this blog entry will contain photos to go along with the updates.

My day started off really normal. Shitty, stressful day at work, which was expected since it was a Friday. I was dying to go home after about 9 hours of wanting to pull my hair out because of the stress. I left the office about 12:45 a.m. It takes about 5 minutes to get home.

When I got to my road, I saw a cop car with its lights flashing. It was partially blocking the road. I drove onto the street and was quickly instructed to turn off the street. There were approximately 20 other cop cars/emergency vehicles up and down my block. I asked a cop if I could get to my house and he told me my house was too close to the crime scene, so he couldn't let me through.

Once I read a news story tomorrow, I'll post further information.


So here goes to with the Twitter updates (times are approximate):

12:50 a.m. : I cant go home. Theres 20 cops blocking off my neighborhood. crime scene is in front of my house

(Parked around the corner in a parking lot)

1 a.m.: sitting in my car freezing waiting til i can go home

(Went 1/2 block down the street to 7-11 and asked if they knew anything)

1:20 a.m.: Apparently there was a shooting in front of my house around 12:45 a.m.

(Went back to parking lot for a while. Then saw two TV news camera guys walking to their vehicles. Hopped out of car to ask them questions. They told me that a bunch of people were standing outside a house with a red Mustang when an argument started. Someone through a brick through the car window. Guns were drawn and shots were fired. Police caught one shooter, but the other shooter was not caught.)

1:50 a.m.: Tv crew told me shooter is still lose. Maybe still in neighborhood. Still cant go home

2 a.m.: Hope my dogs arent too freaked out by shots sirens and police lights

(Headed to Walmart)

2:15 a.m.: Came to walmart to get out of the cold for a lil bit. Hope i can go home when i go back

2:25 a.m.: Rollback sign in walmart: was 68 cents, now one dollar. Um i dont think so



2:30 a.m.: Walmart sells fuzzy handcuffs ?



2:35 a.m.: Walmart sells wet flavored lube ? I need to go browsing more often



2:40 a.m.: Ooh ! Bon bons nail polish. I used to LOVE those !



2:45 a.m.: Pink hunting cap ? WTF ?

2:46 a.m.: Arent u supposed to blend into nature when u hunt? Why pink?



2:55 a.m.: Tons of boxes blocking aisles. No workers in sight



3:00 a.m.: 3 a.m. Been in walmart for 30 minutes. Heading back to see if i can get to house yet

3:15 a.m.: Still blocked off

3:20 a.m.: Yeepee. They let me in the back way

3:25 a.m.: finally back home... dogs went crazy... they were locked up in their crates for almost 12 hours

Updated list

Updated list

I did a major makeover of my blog roll early this morning. I separated the blogs into categories, and I cleaned out the updated blogs.

If you don't see your blog on the list or you think your blog is in the wrong category, leave a comment to let me know. Don't take it personal if I didn't get your blog added. I may have just missed you.

Love versus jealousy

Love versus jealousy

I found this quote in the Philadelphia Daily News. Not sure this would really be true, but I thought it was funny...

"Love is fleeting, but jealousy is forever."

Big heads

Big heads

I couldn't stop laughing at this video...

Bratz Dolls May Give Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size

An evolving view of depression

For anyone interested...

An evolving view of depression

By Carey Goldberg
The Boston Globe

In the world of therapy, Dr. Aaron T. Beck is a rock star.

Considered the father of cognitive behavioral therapy, a form of psychological treatment that has swept the country in recent decades, he has been so famous for so long that some are surprised to find out that he is still, at 87, hard at work.

Beck has recently come out with a new, overarching theory of depression, the mood darkness that in any given year afflicts an estimated 5 percent of Americans (and probably a higher percentage this year).

More than a generation ago, Beck helped overturn the classical idea that depression was ”anger turned inward,” a form of self-punishment. Instead, back then he put forth a cognitive model of depression - that it is a problem of negative bias and habits of thought. Any failure means ”I am a loser.” A rejection means ”Nobody loves me.”

Now, he has updated his cognitive model with the latest advances in brain science and genetics, and published it in the American Journal of Psychiatry. Beck, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania, cautions that much of the research he cites is still preliminary. But he sketches out a coherent overview of converging psychology and biology that goes roughly like this:

Begin with genes. Beck and others used to speculate about a ”blue gene.” Researchers are now beginning to identify specific genes that could make the brain ”hyperreactive to negative experiences,” leading to depression, he writes.

For example, a gene that affects the brain chemical serotonin appears to influence how likely it is that a major stressful event will lead to depression. Studies suggest this serotonin gene is also linked to a tendency toward negative thinking.

How could a gene lead to negative thinking? Well, to continue the example, that serotonin gene appears to make the amygdala, an emotional center of the brain, hyperactive.

Studies have found that a hyperactive amygdala is linked to extra sensitivity to negative stimuli, such as unpleasant images or events. People end up viewing the world negatively - noticing the weeds, not the flowers.

Other studies suggest a biological pathway to depression involving stress hormones that Beck summarizes this way: Stressful events trigger the hypersensitive amygdala to overact, producing a distorted negative reaction, which prompts excessive stress hormones, leading to depression.

There is also a ”top-down” piece of the puzzle: brain scans have found that in depressed people, the prefrontal cortex, known as the seat of rational thought, tends to be underactive.

They are not getting the needed reality check that says ”Things are not really so bad.” That may help explain how therapy that encourages depressed people to ”reappraise” things, to challenge their negative responses, can act to lift mood. Cognitive behavioral therapy aims to help patients by focusing on problems in their thinking and teaching them ways to improve it.

There's more. But it seemed the easiest way to sum it up was to ask Beck what he would say these days if a patient asked, ”Why am I depressed?”

His answer: ”I would say that there is an interplay of genetic, developmental, and stress factors, and the contribution of each of these factors varies from individual to individual. Some individuals, for example, are depressed only if there is overwhelming stress. Others are vulnerable because of their genetic make up and become depressed with minor stressors.”

And how does that answer differ from, say, 20 years ago? Back then, he said, he would have emphasized only the psychological factors, and left the genetic and biological factors ”up in the air.”

He believes, he said, that even a patient who is biologically vulnerable to depression can be helped by effective therapy. For severely depressed patients, he recommends cognitive therapy in conjunction with medication.

Beck's model of depression has evolved admirably, but it does not make the problem of depression simpler, said Philip Levendusky, director of the psychology department at McLean Hospital in Belmont.

The model reflects the fact that depression is complex and has many dimensions, Levendusky said.

Brain science has made amazing advances in recent years, but it is still light years away from understanding mental illness. Beck's theory is a snapshot of the state of the science - it is, Levendusky said, ”a quantum jump beyond where we were once upon a time, and probably three quantum jumps from where we'll ultimately be.”

Still, Beck ends his August 2008 American Journal of Psychiatry article, which he said brought him a far greater response than anything else he had written, with optimism.

”I have reason to hope that future research will perhaps provide a new paradigm which for the first time can integrate findings from psychological and biological studies to build a new understanding of depression,” he wrote.

And in the meanwhile, said Michael W. Otto, director of Boston University's Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders, depression can be treated even without a full understanding of its origins.

However it starts, he said, it has a life of its own. ”It's a pattern that needs to be broken,” he said, ”and the evidence is that it can be broken.”

Sex toys on TV... Yeepee!

Sex toys on TV... Yeepee!


Sex toys CEO getting reality show on TLC

By the Associated Press

CINCINNATI (AP) — A woman whose company sells sex toys through home parties will star in her own reality TV show.

Cable television's TLC says “Mother Knows Sex” chronicles the struggles faced by Patty Brisben and her family as she runs her business.

Brisben founded Pure Romance in 1993; the company's Web site says it has grown into a multimillion-dollar business with 80 full-time employees. Pure Romance relies on a sales force of independent consultants who organize in-home parties where the products are sold.

TLC plans to broadcast the one-hour program at 10 p.m. on Super Bowl Sunday, Feb. 1. It will be repeated three times in early February.