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OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

You have no doubt seen or heard the commercials: "Where does depression hurt? EVERYWHERE. Who does depression hurt? EVERYONE." Mental illnesses can consume you, take over your entire life and hurt everyone around you if you let it. I am no exception.

My life feels like I am stuck riding on a rollercoaster in the middle of a hurricane. I have ups and downs, and I have left a path of destruction in my wake. My sanity dangles on a tiny fragile string, and through this blog I am giving the world a look into my broken mind and my unstable life.

In the end, I am just a girl trying to maintain my sanity in a candy-coated world of misery. Here you'll get a glimpse at just how true those commercials are. Keep your arms and legs inside the blog at all times, hold on tight, and prepare yourself for a very bumpy ride ...

Feel free to comment here on the blog or email me at bpdokc@yahoo.com.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

hats, shoes, and purses -- oh my

A while back I gave you guys a glimpse into my overall personal style (click here and here). This morning I decided to give an even better peek into my style concerning hats, shoes, and purses/handbags.

I'd totally wear all this stuff, but I can't even stand in high-heels. I have no inner balance and I can fall on my ass even when I'm standing completely still in sneakers. And my head is odd shaped so any hat looks ridiculous on me.

Plus, if I wear any of the stuff, it would be pretty obvious that I have a major girly side, which I hate showing. I'm not sure why I have such an issue with showing a feminine side. It's probably due to the fact that my mom wasn't girly, so I didn't grow up thinking it was okay to show off femininity.


Click here to find out where to get the hats


Click here to find out where to get the purses/handbags


Click here to find out where to get the shoes

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Pearlz post-surgery

I probably should have posted this last night, but I figured I'd wait until today so I could give a complete report on how she's doing after the dental surgery.

The vet ended up having to pull out 3 teeth. He had hoped to only have to pull one, but the other two were bad and he couldn't save them. The blood tests showed that the infection hadn't spread to her bloodstream, so that's definitely good, and the vet says he doesn't expect her other teeth to have this problem, at least not for a while.

I dropped her off at 8:30 a.m. and was able to pick her up after 5 p.m. She was still very groggy from the drugs they gave her. It was pretty funny. She would be walking and start to fall over asleep. I really shouldn't laugh at her, but it was hard not to. One time she was sitting on the couch and decided to get up. I guess hopping off the couch took all her energy because once she got to the floor she could only take a couple steps then had to prop herself up against the couch. She gave me this really sad look until I went and picked her up. There were a few times when she was lying on the back of the couch and started leaning but of course she was leaning toward the cushions, she was about to fall off the back of the couch, would be a large drop for a 5 pound dog.

She was pretty grumpy despite not being very awake. Oreo was sitting on the couch a few feet away from her (I have a huge sectional couch) and he looked at her with a concerned but funny expression. Apparently she didn't like how he looked at her because she hopped up suddenly and chased him right off the couch. She then sat back down, but when Oreo tried to get back on the couch she took off chasing him across the room. You wouldn't think a 30-pound male dog would be so afraid of a 5-pound female dog.

I would have had to pay $1,150 for all the stuff they did yesterday if I didn't have Banfield's Wellness Plan for her. I only ended up paying $272 of the total cost. The wellness plan is better than most people's health insurance.

Today she's doing fine, but still a little tired. She doesn't seem to be in much pain, and she's eating fine. I think she's more annoyed that they trimmed her toenails while she was knocked out than the fact three of her teeth are missing. I just hope the wound on her face from the rupture heals up soon.


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Meme about me

I went roaming through the blogosphere for a little while before bed tonight, and found this meme on Rantings and Ramblings and thought what the hell, I'll do it.

Instructions: Answer the questions below, do a Google Image search with your answer, take a picture from the first page of results, and do it with minimal words of explanation.

1. The age you'll be on your next birthday




2. A place you'd like to travel to




3. Your favorite place




4. Your favorite food




5. Your favorite pet




6. Your favorite color combination




7. Your favorite piece of clothing




8. Your favorite TV show




9. The town in which you live




10. Your first job




11. Your dream job



12. A bad habit you have




13. Your worst fear




14. What you'd like to do before you die



(I used the term "do" very loosely... hehe)



i'm hooked on twilight

I'd like to thank -- or possibly slap -- everyone who encouraged me to go ahead and read "Twilight." I've fallen deeply in love with Edward. He truly is the perfect boyfriend and a vampire, which makes him even more perfect to me. The books may be ruining me for men in real-life. I already have high standards for the men I'm involved with, but dear God, I'm going to compare everyone to Edward now.





I always prefer to watch a movie before reading the book it's based on. I like to be able to judge a movie based on its own merits without being biased about what should or should not have made it into the movie. I was really glad I had never read the book when I saw the movie because I heard a lot of other people say they were upset that certain things were left out of the movie.

I bought the book last week and started reading it that night. I finally had to stop reading it when it was 3:30 a.m. and I couldn't stay awake anymore. I waited to until my next day off from work to pick it up again because I knew I wouldn't be able to put it down once I started reading it.

I picked it up about 1:30 p.m. yesterday and read it for over 4 hours straight. When I got down to the last 40 pages or so, I asked myself if I could really just stop at the end of the book when I was that far into the story.

I couldn't stand the idea of running out of book, so I hopped in my car and went out and bought "New Moon" right away. I finished "Twilight" this morning and began "New Moon" as soon as I was done with the first one. Once I started the second one, again I couldn't stop. I'm sure as soon as I get finished with it, I'll move onto the third, then the fourth, and I'll end up finishing all four before the "New Moon" movie even wraps up filming.

I'm now completely screwed on my rule about watching movies first before reading the books. I hope I don't get disappointed in the movies to come. Also I was so happy to find out this week that "Eclipse" is now in the works to be a movie also.


New Moon Movie


Today I also did something else that goes against my normal nature. I decided to pre-order a copy of the "Twilight" DVD because I figured if I didn't that I wouldn't be able find a copy the week it comes out. Plus, I didn't want to be one of the people who will camp out in Walmart waiting for them to go on sale. I assume with how insane the "Twilight" mania has been that people will go crazy the day it comes out on DVD. Of course, I could be wrong.

I have never ever pre-ordered anything in my life. It's completely against my nature to pay full price for anything or to go crazy to buy something as soon as it comes out. I always buy my books or movies on sale, either online or in a store. I feel like "Twilight" has me going insane ... buying books at full price, ordering a DVD before it even goes on sale.

Just like Belle, I'm under Edward's spell.


So much like us

I saw this cartoon and it reminded me so much of my marriage. (http://www.everydaypeoplecartoons.com)




Monday, February 23, 2009

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week

This is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. I suffered through eating disorders through my teen and college years, so it's yet another issue I feel strongly about raising awareness of.

Bulimia, anorexia, binge eating... you name it, I've done it. I would go from one disorder to another and back again.

Unfortunately there weren't any events planned in Oklahoma City according to the organization's website. I had thought about trying to organize something myself, but I'm not much of a planner, not like I used to be before the ex-husband sucked the life out of me. I am planning to start volunteering at the YWCA's domestic violence center soon and go from there on what other organizations/causes I volunteer with/for.

Click here for some information on eating disorders. Also, there are some blogs in my blogroll that tell the personal stories of people who are living with or have recovered from eating disorders. Please check them out this week and offer them support.



Sunday, February 22, 2009

I had Stockholm Syndrome

A while back my best friend's boyfriend asked her why I'd stay married to my ex-husband for so long when he was abusing me. She couldn't give him an answer, so she just said "it's complicated." He then went onto say that if he was with a person who became abusive, it would be over the first time the abuse happened. He asked her if I just loved my ex-husband so much that I didn't want to leave, and she said that I've always said that I didn't ever really love him, so her boyfriend was just baffled.

That's a very common thing. No one can ever understand why I didn't get divorced back in 2005 when the physical abuse started, and I can't give them any real explanation. Normally I say that I felt brain-washed. Sometimes I excuse it as being Borderline and Bipolar and being so messed up myself that I couldn't get myself together enough to leave. Other times I say that I was more afraid to try to leave him than stay with him. All of that is true, but I've always known it was more than just that. One of the things that bothers me the most is how I had plenty of opportunities to turn him in before I did, but I never did. I even hid the abuse and lied to cops on more than one occasion.

I don't feel like I owe anyone an explanation, but I do want to explain what happens in an abusive relationship to people so they know what to look for if someone they know gets into an abusive situation in the future. I want to help everyone in my life know how to help people in abusive relationships. I want to help prevent other people from going through everything I've went through.


Back in 2006 after my ex-husband cut my wrist and was arrested and after I left him, I told my counselor and later a psychologist that I wanted to know why I let the abuse happen for so long. Both of them asked me why it mattered to me to know why I stayed with him when I had gotten out of the relationship and was safe. I told them that I felt I had to understand why it happened in the first place so I wouldn't get into the same situation again, but neither of them would work with me on understanding it... and wouldn't you know it... i got back together with him and the same abuse started again.

Two nights ago I was stumbling through some websites like I do almost every night now that I'm addicted to StumbleUpon, and a webpage about Stockholm Syndrome in relation to domestic abuse. I've heard about it dealing with abduction cases, but I never pieced it together that someone who's being abused could also go through it.

I found an article by Joseph M. Carver that talks about the syndrome and abuse: "Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser." It explains so much of what I went through. I'm definitely going to be bringing this up in counseling. It's definitely a "must read" article for anyone who is in or has been in an abusive relationship and for anyone who wants to understand the type of situation I was in.


Here's some points from the article that stuck out to me....

While the situation doesn't make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is - Yes!

It's important to understand the components of Stockholm Syndrome as they relate to abusive and controlling relationships. Once the syndrome is understood, it's easier to understand why victims support, love, and even defend their abusers and controllers.

Every syndrome has symptoms or behaviors and Stockholm Syndrome is no exception. While a clear-cut list has not been established due to varying opinions by researchers and experts, several of these features will be present:

  • Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
  • Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue/support them or win their release
  • Support of the abuser's reasons and behaviors
  • Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim
  • Supportive behaviors by the victim, at times helping the abuser
  • Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or detachment
In threatening and survival situations, we look for evidence of hope – a small sign that the situation may improve. When an abuser/controller shows the victim some small kindness, even though it is to the abusers benefit as well, the victim interprets that small kindness as a positive trait of the captor.

During the relationship, the abuser/controller may share information about their past – how they were mistreated, abused, neglected, or wronged. The victim begins to feel the abuser/controller may be capable of fixing their behavior or worse yet, that they (abuser) may also be a "victim". Sympathy may develop toward the abuser and we often hear the victim of Stockholm Syndrome defending their abuser with "I know he fractured my jaw and ribs…but he's troubled. He had a rough childhood!" Losers and abusers may admit they need psychiatric help or acknowledge they are mentally disturbed, however, it's almost always after they have already abused or intimidated the victim. The admission is a way of denying responsibility for the abuse.

In abusive and controlling relationships, the victim has the sense they are always "walking on eggshells" – fearful of saying or doing anything that might prompt a violent/intimidating outburst. For their survival, they begin to see the world through the abuser's perspective. They begin to fix things that might prompt an outburst, act in ways they know makes the abuser happy, or avoid aspects of their own life that may prompt a problem. If we only have a dollar in our pocket, then most of our decisions become financial decisions. If our partner is an abuser or controller, then the majority of our decisions are based on our perception of the abuser's potential reaction. We become preoccupied with the needs, desires, and habits of the abuser/controller.

Taking the abuser's perspective as a survival technique can become so intense that the victim actually develops anger toward those trying to help them. The abuser is already angry and resentful toward anyone who would provide the victim support, typically using multiple methods and manipulations to isolate the victim from others. Any contact the victim has with supportive people in the community is met with accusations, threats, and/or violent outbursts. Victims then turn on their family – fearing family contact will cause additional violence and abuse in the home. At this point, victims curse their parents and friends, tell them not to call and stop interfering, and break off communication with others. Agreeing with the abuser/controller, supportive others are now viewed as "causing trouble" and must be avoided. Many victims threaten their family and friends with restraining orders if they continue to "interfere" or try to help the victim in their situation. On the surface it would appear that they have sided with the abuser/controller. In truth, they are trying to minimize contact situation that might make them a target of additional verbal abuse or intimidation. If a casual phone call from Mom prompts a two-hour temper outburst with threats and accusations – the victim quickly realizes it's safer if Mom stops calling. If simply telling Mom to stop calling doesn't work, for his or her own safety the victim may accuse Mom of attempting to ruin the relationship and demand that she stop calling.

In severe cases of Stockholm Syndrome in relationships, the victim may have difficulty leaving the abuser and may actually feel the abusive situation is their fault. In law enforcement situations, the victim may actually feel the arrest of their partner for physical abuse or battering is their fault.

In unhealthy relationships and definitely in Stockholm Syndrome there is a daily preoccupation with "trouble". Trouble is any individual, group, situation, comment, casual glance, or cold meal that may produce a temper tantrum or verbal abuse from the controller or abuser. To survive, "trouble" is to be avoided at all costs. The victim must control situations that produce trouble. That may include avoiding family, friends, co-workers, and anyone who may create "trouble" in the abusive relationship. The victim does not hate family and friends; they are only avoiding "trouble"! The victim also cleans the house, calms the children, scans the mail, avoids certain topics, and anticipates every issue of the controller or abuse in an effort to avoid "trouble".

Stockholm Syndrome produces an unhealthy bond with the controller and abuser. It is the reason many victims continue to support an abuser after the relationship is over. It's also the reason they continue to see "the good side" of an abusive individual and appear sympathetic to someone who has mentally and sometimes physically abused them.

My views on abortion

I need to quit procrastinating and post this entry. Something has been bothering me for almost a week. I don't want to offend anyone with this, but I do have strong opinions on the subject.

One of my friends has been going through her very first pregnancy scare. One day last week we were talking online and she said, "I always thought I was pro-choice, but I wasn't sure. I think if I am, I'll just take care of it and never tell him." I was floored. I didn't know what to say, so I just said "I don't want to talk about that."

Then she said something about how she thought I was totally pro-choice and would be okay with it. Then she said, "Well I guess you never had to think about it for yourself. You wouldn't have done that yourself." I again said "I don't want to talk about it."

Yes, I support abortion, but only in severe cases... like rape, incest, when the pregnancy endangers the woman, when it's a girl younger than 15 who's pregnant, or when the baby will be born with extreme disabilities that would prevent him/her from living anyway.

I do not support it in normal situations. She's 26, so she's not some young teenage girl ... a baby most likely would not harm her ... it wasn't rape or incest. I just honestly can't support an abortion in her case. If she is pregnant and she goes through with an abortion, I will try to accept the decision and get passed it, but I will never be able to support it. There are so many people in the world who want babies but can't have them, and if she had the baby and gave it up for adoption, she'd be giving some loving couple a child.

I've known several women over the years who used abortion as a form of birth control. They'd sleep around, get pregnant, get an abortion, sleep around again, get pregnant again, and get another abortion. Not only are they aborting one baby, they're aborting multiple babies. (No, I don't think my friend would turn into one of those women.)

I never could have had an abortion. I've wanted a child for so long that I can't even stand the idea of "taking care" of the baby. My baby is going to be my life. I can't wait to bring my baby into the world.

It also bothers me that she would plan to abort the baby without even considering telling her boyfriend. Maybe he doesn't seem like he'd want kids, but he's a really good guy and in my opinion he really should have a say in whether the baby lives or dies. Now if he was abusive and into drugs and she was afraid of that he'd harm her if he knew she was pregnant or harm the baby once it's born, then I'm all for hiding a pregnancy and protecting the baby and the mother no matter what.


777

A few days ago I mentioned how I secretly love when Oklahoma's Pick Three lottery drawing comes out with the numbers 6-6-6. Tonight it was 7-7-7. It seems odd to me that those drawings would only happen a few days apart. I'm really sure other people are less bothered with 7-7-7 than 6-6-6.



Blackout poems

The other day I found Austin Kleon's website (http://www.austinkleon.com/) . He's a young poet (he's two years younger than me) who has created a very unique form of poetry where you take a newspaper article (a magazine would work too) and a sharpie and create a poem out of words within the article. You use the sharpie to black out all the words you don't want in your poem.

Austin's creativity far exceeds mine. I am a creative person, but I don't think I'd ever be able to create a whole new method to writing poetry. His style of blackout poetry is pure genius, especially if you're experiencing writer's block. I'm amazed by the poems he has created using the blackout method. I'm in awe of his brilliance.

I decided to try my hands at it with a newsy article about filing for bankruptcy. I like the poem I ended up with. It's crazy that I could write a poem about breaking up with someone from an article about bankruptcy.

Honestly, it was a challenge for me even though I've been writing poetry since I was 11 or 12 years old. It was a struggle to find just the right words to write a poem that I was proud of. I hope it gets easier the more times I do it.

(The image below is altered to make it easier to post here. It was a long article, so taking a single image of it was a difficult task, so I took multiple photos and pieced them together in the most presentable form)

"I was naive"

Hands dab away tears
I believe it's our only choice
I cannot be altered
We just didn't last
Looking back I was naive
I don't want to be tied down
I don't need it that bad



How adult am I?

I found another interesting questionnaire via StumbleUpon today. It tests you to see how "adult" you are.

Click here to test yourself.

Here is what the test says about me ...

Your Total "Adultness" Competency Score is 87%


Love: 100%
Adults are supposed to know the difference between sex and love. They're supposed to have experienced love, or at least to have some idea about what it means to experience love. They're supposed to know the difference between parental and romantic love, and to know that there are many different ways of expressing love.

Sex: 89%
In theory, adults know a great deal about contraception, homosexuality, how to please a partner, and how to make babies. They're supposed to know that condoms often fail, for example, and that masturbation is common among both males and females (somewhat less so among females).

Leadership: 100%
Adults are supposed to know about leaders and, to some extent, to be able to act as leaders — as leaders of other adults, of children, or at least of pets. They're supposed to know that leaders must sometimes make tough decisions, that leaders are in some sense servants of their followers, and that leaders almost always must report to other leaders higher up a chain of command. Adults are also supposed to be somewhat brave — at least in defending their loved ones or in killing harmless insects — and they're supposed to be able to defend their rights.

Problem Solving: 89%
Adults are supposed to be able to solve a wide variety of problems — financial, work-related, plumbing-related, and personal — and they're supposed to know where to go for help when they need it. They're also supposed to know the difference between right and wrong and to be cognizant of the consequences of their actions. They're supposed to be able to think independently and even to be aware of their own faulty beliefs.

Physical Abilities: 22%
Adults, or at least healthy adults, are supposed to be physically self-sufficient. We make allowances when people are sick or injured. The infirmities of old age are handled variously: when elderly people become weak, incontinent, or otherwise impaired, we often revert to treating them like children, even though, in some sense, we still recognize the elderly as “adults.” In general, adults are supposed to be physically strong, to have intact senses, to be able to climb stairs without assistance, and so on. We expect far less of children.

Verbal and Math Skills: 89%
Adults in our society are supposed to have mastered the proverbial Three R's (reading, ‘riting, and ‘rithmetic), and they're supposed to know basic things like the days of the week, the number of days of the year, the number of days in February (even in leap years), the number of hours in a day, and so on.

Interpersonal Skills: 56%
Adults are supposed to know how to converse with, show respect for, forgive, apologize to, get along with, and assist other people. With children, we give basic reminders like “Remember to share,” but adults are supposed to have mastered such lessons in basic civility. Adults are also supposed to be honest in their dealings with other people, and they're supposed to have the good sense to follow the instructions of police officers — in other words to recognize that people play different roles in society.

Handling Responsibility: 100%
Adults are supposed to be able to accept blame for their wrongdoing. They're supposed to be able to make commitments and then honor them. When they begin tasks worthy of completion, they're supposed to persist in completing them.

Managing High-Risk Behaviors: 100%
We try to keep children away from cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, guns, and cars, because, presumably, they'll damage themselves or others if they have access to such things. Adults, on the other hand, are supposed to be ready to handle risky items and activities responsibly. Among other things, they're supposed to know that driving under the influence of alcohol is extremely dangerous, that the heavier one is the more alcohol one can tolerate without ill effect, that mixing alcohol with certain drugs can be fatal, that smoking can ruin one's health, that the safe use of guns involves considerable skill, that improper use of prescription medication is dangerous, and so on.

Managing Work and Money: 100%
Adults are supposed to be able to get and keep jobs. They're supposed to know that it's important to be on time, that “a job worth doing is worth doing well,” that we're supposed to persevere when the going gets tough, and that it's important to prioritize and complete the most important tasks first. Adults are supposed to know how to spend money wisely, how to save, how to invest for the future, how to plan for emergencies, how to manage debts, how to write checks, and how to balance a checkbook.

Education: 100%
Adults are supposed to have obtained at least a basic education, and they're supposed to appreciate the value of education. They're also supposed to know basic education laws — for example, that young people are required to attend school until at least age sixteen or so (depending on one's state of residency).

Personal Care: 100%
Adults, unlike children, are supposed to practice basic hygiene, to comb their hair, to wear clean clothes, and so on. They're also supposed to eat three nutritionally-balanced meals a day, to avoid between-meal snacks, to brush and floss their teeth, to get a good night's sleep, to maintain a healthful weight, and to avoid too much salt or sugar or fat in their diets. They're also supposed to be able to recognize a variety of medical and psychological problems — signs of cancer, asthma, sleep apnea, depression, bipolar disorder, and so on — and to know when and where to get help if they or their loved ones need it.

Self Management: 78%
Adults are supposed to be able to manage their own behavior — to use an alarm clock to make sure they awaken on time, to keep an appointment book to make sure they know why they set their alarm clock, to keep a list of things to do so they know what they're supposed to pick up on the way back from the appointment, and so on. They're also supposed to know basic techniques of “self-control” — counting to ten, for example, as a way of preventing their anger from getting out of hand.

Citizenship: 89%
Finally, adults are supposed to know some basic things about government and about how to be good citizens. They're supposed to register to vote and to participate in elections, to pay taxes, to serve on juries, and so on, and they're supposed to know most basic laws and to obey them.


EDITED TO ADD: This "cool card" reminds me of how I feel about being an adult:



Saturday, February 21, 2009

i'm sexually below average

When I was stumbling on StumbleUpon Saturday, a website came up that asks you questions about how old you are, how many people you've slept with, and where you're from. It compares your experience to people your age and people in your city.

I was shocked to find out that I come in under the average for a lot of the categories. A few are the same as average, and I'm one more than the average for men in Oklahoma City.

http://mingle2.com/sex_quiz/index2

Mingle2 - How Sexually Experienced Are You?10

Friday, February 20, 2009

Yes, I did break the law

Like I said last week, I've started talking to my ex-boyfriend J. again. He's a prison guard and in the National Guard reserves, so he's really straight-laced, is all about following the rules, and not breaking laws.

The other day we got into conversation about all the abuse in my marriage. He apologized for it all, and I said that he didn't need to say he was sorry because I have gotten quite a bit of revenge. He made me explain that to him. It made me worry because I figured he'd judge me badly for some of what has happened. I told him about how I found some loopholes in the law concerning our divorce and I told him about the thing I've done that's technically against the law. When I explained the thing that was against the law (I wish I could specifically talk about it on here, but I can't to protect myself), I was waiting for him to say that it was wrong of me to do that, but instead he started laughing.

Some of the stuff I told him shocked the hell out of him. He apparently didn't think I had it in me to be that much of a heartless vengeful bitch. He was quite impressed with me. I told him, "Anyone who pisses me off that much deserves whatever shit is coming his way." I then said what I tell everyone anymore -- "Hell hath no fury like a female journalist scorned."

He said that he'd remember that for the future so he wouldn't piss me off that much, and I told him that he'd never be able to piss me off that much. It's just not in him to do anything as bad as my ex-husband and his so-called friends have.


Took a big step ... with a softball bat

I took a big step -- or maybe I should say a massive leap -- on Wednesday.

Back in September after I kicked the ex-husband, I moved everything out of the spare bedroom that had been his office and threw most of it in the room that had been my home office (I moved my office into the living room). I had to get everything out of his old office to start preparing the room. It seemed fitting since the previous owners used that room for their son.

Even after I had entered recovery for Borderline and the depression, I couldn't bring myself to clean out my old office and deal with all his stuff and the junk he destroyed. Every time I walked in the room, visions of him having me pinned to the futon in there with a knife to my throat come up. I didn't want to risk my recovery by bringing up the painful memories until I knew for sure that my mind was stable enough to handle it.

In the last few weeks, I've felt extremely strong, so I felt it was time to do it. But unfortunately I had to wait until I had some help since my doctors won't let me lift anything of any real weight.

So Wednesday one of my guy friends came over, and we started going through everything. A ton of stuff was torn to shreds and trashed. We filled up not only two large trash cans that the city trash department provides us, but also the four trashcans in the house, and then four other trash bags that weren't in cans. He had to stop me when I took out one of my softball bats and started bashing stuff to bits. I was a little annoyed that he stopped me because I was having fun and taking out some frustration, but I know I can't be doing something that could endanger the two of us at this stage. There were a few things that I have to put out at the curb on "big trash day," and some other things I saved out to take with me the next time I go up to my mom's house to burn in a fire out on the farm.

It was so nice to get rid of all of that stuff. I'm so glad there's nothing of his left in the house. It was about time I did it.

And no, I didn't have any sort of breakdown or anything like that because of the memories while cleaning. I think it actually helped me emotionally.

I'm very proud of myself.


Thursday, February 19, 2009

Anna got a makeover

A few of you may remember me posting about Anna, my body form/mannequin, back in 2007/2008. A few weeks ago, I decided it was time for Anna to get a makeover since it had been almost 2 years since I dressed her in her pink/black outfit.

Background: I found the body form at a random garage sale I stopped at one day back in 2007. I bought it for $15. The two women who I bought it from told me that they had nicknamed her "Anna" after Anna Nicole Smith because she constantly changes her size. It starts at a size 12 but you can expand it up several sizes, then shrink it back to a size 12. They said it reminded them about how Anna Nicole would go up and down in weight. They made me promise to make the body form live up to the nickname.

When I started creating an outfit for her back in 2007, I decided to go for a neon pink and black theme. I decided she'd be part glamorous, part slutty, and all cheesy just like Anna Nicole. Here's how she did look ...



About three weeks ago, I was in a thrift store looking for something completely unrelated to Anna when I happened to see a black and red feather boa. Suddenly the idea of doing a makeover on her popped in my head. I've spent the last few weeks collecting red and black items for her. I finished her yesterday. I've got a hat and mask to interchange whenever I want to change her look slightly.

Breaking her new outfit down:

Black ballroom skirt -
Skirt from my senior year prom when I was 18. My dress was in two parts, a ballroom skirt and tank-style top
Red top - Anna's top has been, is, and will always be an item of lingerie from my own personal collection of lingerie. My ex-husband would recognize this one as what I wore on our first "date" when we were trying to work out our marriage after he was arrested and we separated
Feather boa - As I already said, it was found at a thrift store
Black leather belt - Also found at a thrift store
Black velvet thing wrapped around her neck (not sure what to call it) - Also found at a thrift store
Black beaded purse - Thrift store
Mask - Thrift store
Black wig - Party store
Two mardi gras-style Valentine's Day necklaces - Party store
Red cowboy hat - Party store
Black and red bead necklaces - Claire's boutique
Red bead bracelets and black plastic bracelets - Claire's
Clip-on Rose pin - Claire's
Red charm ornament (in her left hand) - Given to me as a Christmas gift



What's up with Pearlz

I've been very quiet across the board on the Internet since very early Tuesday morning. I've been really busy and distracted and haven't taken the time to sit down and type up blog entries or even do updates on Twitter. What really sucks about that is now I have about 6 blog entries swirling around in my brain, and I am not wanting to sit here long enough to type them all up.

I'll start with what I found out Tuesday at the vet's office about Pearlz.

The vet said that what happened is not very common, and it's a pretty extreme case of a tooth infection. But he said that he has seen several cases where abscesses have ruptured out a dog's face over the years.

I have to take her in next Tuesday for big doggie dental surgery. It will be an all-day process. First they're going to knock her out and take x-rays of her entire mouth to see exactly which tooth or teeth are infected. Then they'll clean all her teeth, followed by removing whichever teeth are infected. The vet said if there's a tooth that's infected but the roots are ok, he'll basically do a doggie root canal. Lucky for me, while she's knocked out they're going to give her a pedicure, which she desperately needs but won't let me do.

When it's all done, she'll be in a lot of pain, so I'll have to give her pain killers and antibotics for a while. And of course, I'll have to watch her closely for about 24 hours after the surgery is done. I asked for Tuesday off from work. I have to drop her off by 9 a.m. and there's no guarantee I'll even get her back before 5 p.m.

The medicine she's on now is helping her quite a bit. The wound on her face is starting to heal up, but it's still fairly obvious, as you can see on her right cheek in the photo.

I knew when I got her back at the end of September that we were in for some tough times because she's 9 years old with teeth and eye problems, but I didn't expect her teeth to get this bad this quick. My best friend who I got her from feels really bad that I have to spend a bunch of money to fix Pearlz's teeth, but I keep telling her not to worry because I love Pearlz like she was my dog since she was a puppy, and I want to do whatever I can to keep her healthy and happy.


I won the lottery

Ok, so I only won $9. I matched the Powerball in Wednesday night's drawing. I once won $27 with a $1 scratch-off ticket. The $9 win wasn't great, but at least I got this ticket for free so the $9 was straight profit.

Tonight's lottery numbers for Oklahoma's Pick 3 drawing were 6-6-6. For some reason I'm secretly pleased every time 6-6-6 comes up in the drawing. I always picture some conservative Christian woman freaking out at the sign of the devil showing up in the lottery numbers.


OCD treatment

FDA approves brain-zapping device to relieve OCD

By the Associated Press


WASHINGTON (AP) — Patients suffering from obsessive, distressing thoughts have a new treatment option: a pacemaker-like device that relieves anxiety with electrical jolts to the brain.

The Food and Drug Administration on Thursday approved Medtronic’s Reclaim device as the first implant to treat obsessive-compulsive disorder, which causes uncontrollable worries, such as fear of germs or dirt.

Patients suffering from the disorder try to relieve their anxiety with obsessive behavior, such as washing their hands or checking locks repeatedly.

“These are obtrusive thoughts that take control of people’s lives to the point that they lose their jobs, can’t have relationships and in many cases, can’t even leave their homes,” said Dr. Hooman Azmi of Hackensack University Medical Center.

While about 2.2 Americans have the disorder, the new device would only be available to a small group of patients who don’t respond to other treatments, such as antidepressant drugs and therapy.

The FDA approved the device under a program reserved for conditions that effect fewer than 4,000 people each year.

The FDA’s director for devices stressed that Reclaim provides some relief, but patients likely will have to continue taking medications as well.

“Reclaim is not a cure,” Dr. Daniel Schultz said in a statement. “Individual results will vary and patients implanted with the device are likely to continue to have some mild to moderate impairment.”

Shaped like a pacemaker, the Reclaim device is implanted under the skin of the chest and then connected to four electrodes in the brain. The electrodes deliver steady pulses of electricity that block abnormal brain signals.

Similar devices have been used since the 1990s to treat movement disorders like Parkinson’s disease and tremors. But where prior devices target areas of the brain that deal with movement, Medtronic said its product delivers electrical signals to areas that control mood and anxiety.

“What deep brain stimulation does is modulate those circuits that we believe are hyperactive in patients with obsessive compulsive disorder,” said Paul Stypulkowski, the company’s senior director of research.

Medtronic Inc., the world’s largest medical device maker, also is studying the use of the technology in patients with severe depression.

In 2005, rival Cyberonics became the first company to win FDA approval for a device to treat depression. However, the company’s Vagus Nerve Stimulator has been plagued by questions of effectiveness.

How to beat seasonal affective disorder

Beat the winter blues: 6 ways to boost mind, mood

By the Associated Press


For years, Sarah Browne couldn't figure out why, when winter started, she'd “turn into a slug.”

Living in Wisconsin at the time, Browne said the cold temperatures, heavy snow and fewer hours of sunlight would prevent her from leaving the house.

“I couldn't get out of bed, I wouldn't want to talk to anyone, I'd have crying spells. It was like my brain was wrapped in cotton batting,” says Browne.

But then when the sun returned for a few days, or in the spring, Browne says she returned to her cheerful self. At first Browne attributed her malaise to the hassles of being a working mom and living amidst lots of snow, but her therapist started seeing a pattern.

“She remembered an uncharacteristically spring-like day a few days before and asked how I'd felt on that day. It had been an awesome day for me,” Browne says. “She kept running through days that were sunny; it was really a process of elimination.”

The 40-something media consultant was diagnosed by her doctor with seasonal affective disorder, a form of depression that goes well beyond just the “winter blues.” The symptoms and effects are similar to depression but only reveal themselves in the fall and winter months.

“You'll start slowing down, have difficulty waking up, difficulty concentrating, you'll start craving sweets and starches,” says psychiatrist and SAD expert Dr. Norman E. Rosenthal, author of “Winter Blues,” one of the first books to describe seasonal affective disorder.

“You'll notice I didn't mention depression,” adds Rosenthal. “The mood thing is quite a late development in the sequence, so it's important for people to keep an eye out for these early signs so it doesn't develop into depression.”

The American Academy of Family Physicians estimates that as many as half a million people in the United States suffer from winter-onset depression and that another 10-20 percent may experience mild SAD. According to Mental Health America, women suffer from SAD three times more often then men, as do those in colder climates and people who work for extended periods without sunlight or work the night shift.

Sometimes just a change of scenery can work wonders.

Browne, who has since moved to the much sunnier Carmel Valley, Calif., recalls a work flight she used to regularly take from Chicago to Phoenix. “When I'd get off the plane I would transfer into a different human being to the point that people would actually notice and comment.”

Treating SAD often combines a routine of light therapy, exercise and Vitamin D; more severe sufferers may be prescribed an anti-depressant like Wellbutrin. But there are many natural remedies that can help alleviate SAD — whether you suffer from the condition or are experiencing general winter blues.


Let There Be Light

The number one therapy most doctors recommend for SAD is exposure to sunlight or full-spectrum light (which simulates bright sunlight).

“Ideally, even in the cold, you should try to find a way to get outside — even if it's snowshoeing,” says Dr. Mark Hyman, author of “The Ultramind Solution,” who has treated patients for SAD in his New York practice. Visiting a brightly lit garden store or a public atrium filed with light and live greenery can help as well.

But if you don't live in a place where you can easily soak up the rays, you can purchase full-spectrum light bulbs at your hardware store (a minimum of 2,500-lux is required for treatment). For a stronger effect, companies like Light Therapy Products sell a variety of light boxes, dawn simulators and even head visors that you can wear around the house.

Dr. Hyman says that sitting under the lights for just 20 minutes a day can make a strong impact on your mood. If you're having trouble sleeping, a common problem with SAD, try a dawn simulator, which can help establish a more regular routine.

“You should move from one illuminated space to another,” adds Dr. Rosenthal, who also suffers from SAD. “For example I have my dawn simulator come on in the morning, the light box come on before I even wake up, so it's there when I go to have breakfast.”

While these products aren't inexpensive (many of the products Light Therapy sells are in the $175 to $300 range), SAD sufferers claim great benefits. Browne says she owns three light boxes. “I'll even go to the sun-tanning booth for five minutes — dermatologists be damned. It helps.”


Your Daily Dose of D

Another way to simulate the sun's benefits is to take a regular dose of Vitamin D. Mary Sahs, a 62-year-old Michigan-based Naturopath, says she has suffered SAD for 30 years.

“This is my first winter to try a vitamin D supplement and it made a significant difference in my mood,” says Sahs.

Our bodies produce Vitamin D when the sun's rays hit our skin; it's also found in many dietary sources such as fish, eggs, fortified milk, and cod liver oil.

Dr. Hyman recommends 2000 IUs of Vitamin D a day. He also recommends taking one to three milligrams of Melatonin at night, but with both Vitamin D and Melatonin check with your doctor first about timing, dosage and whether it's right for you.


Work It Out

“To me exercise is the salvation,” says Browne, “But I need to exercise to the point of sweating.”

A study by the British Journal of Sports Medicine found that just 20 minutes of sustained, vigorous exercise a week can help reduce depression. Walking around the block, scrubbing the kitchen, dancing to your favorite songs — as long as it induces breathlessness — can elevate your endorphins and up your mood.


Watch the Carbs

Some doctors say that their SAD patients have a particular taste for carbohydrates.

“If it's a rainy day like last weekend I find myself wanting to make major casseroles,” says Browne. In the colder weather, our brain sends a “survival” signal to our body to eat and gain weight, insulating us from the chill — carbs are an easy way to load up and feel satisfied.

“But I try to make nutritious comfort food. I've learned to switch to English muffins rather than loaves of sourdough.”

Opt for healthier carbs like vegetables, whole grains, and fruits which will help keep you energized.


Mix and Mingle

Dr. Janet Taylor, a mental health community expert on BeWell.com, notes the importance of social interaction.

“You might be inclined to be socially isolated, but interacting with people, friends and family can really help create a support network,” she says.

If you can't get out and about try reconnecting with old friends on a social network like Facebook or joining online communities like BeWell or Daily Strength.org where people gather around particular health topics.


Be Good To Yourself

Rather than seeing herself as a S.A.D. sufferer, Browne calls herself a “solar-powered person” she wears hot colors like yellows and oranges.

Even her blog — blog.guruofnew.com — is designed in bright golds and oranges.

“The A No. 1 thing I've done is not to beat myself up and recognize that there are some things I can control and others I can't,” she says. “Moving to California certainly helped, and I just watch the signs. I know start getting weird around November.”

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Magnetic poetry masterpiece

I opened my magnetic poetry kits about noon yesterday and started this poem. I finished it about 3 p.m. today. It's quite obviously about my abusive ex-husband. I never would have thought I could write a 20-line poem on my fridge.

"Tequila To My Heart"

You were like tequila to my heart.
You intoxicated me at first sight.
You were a powerful snake
That squeezed the life out of me.
You fucked up over and over.
You pushed me and cut my flesh,
Put a hole in my cheek,
Pulled out my hair,
Played with my head,
Used me for money and sex
And sucked away my joy.
But I have had enough of your immature shit.
It is over for good this time.
Never again will you screw with me.
I don't need you and don't want you.
You're nothing to me.
I'm taking my life back.
Now I'm going to fuck with you.
Do you know I'd be happy if you die
Or that I'm not at all sorry for anything?

~ Jennifer, Feb. 17, 2009



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