Self-harm post delayed

I told my Twitter followers yesterday that I was going to post more on the self-harm topic last night after work. I was actually prepared to sit down and spill out my guts. But, just my luck, when I got home last night, my laptop wouldn't connect to the internet. Then it gave me Vista's blue screen of death and crashed. Apparently, I picked up a virus trying to download an illegal copy of Photoshop (I found a good copy of the program, but downloaded two bad copies first). Somehow the virus slipped by my anti-virus software.

So I didn't get to make my blog entry. I stayed up until 4 a.m. trying to clean the computer from the virus, but I didn't have any luck getting onto the internet. I got back up at 10 a.m. and started again. I did get the virus removed and I'm back up and running... after hours of working on it, talking to four different tech support people on the phone, and spending about $90 for a new brand of anti-virus software.

I'm going to attempt to write the post tomorrow night, if nothing else happens. I'd do it now but I'm so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open.

Study for partners of bipolar sufferers

While I was roaming around Twitter tonight, I stumbled across a message about someone conducting a research study on the partners/spouses of people with bipolar disorder. It looks at how a person's bipolar affects the quality/status of a relationship.

People who meet the following qualifications are eligible to participate in the study:

• Your partner/spouse has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder by a licensed mental health worker;
• You have been living together for at least 6 months;
• You are at least 18 years of age.

You can participate in the study about your relationship experiences either online or by postal mail. Responses to the research forms are confidential. If you wish to participate in the study online, here is the link -- http://psyresearch.org/bipolar and the password is bipolar3.

If you wish to participate in the study by mail, e-mail your postal address to bipolarstudy17@gmail.com and you should receive a packet shortly.

Twilight makes me want to cut

I've talked a bunch of times on here about how much I like "Twilight" and about how I love anything dealing with vampires.

Today I responded to a comment on a previous post and said that I normally don't get triggered by images that other former/current self-harmers get triggered by, but the scene of Twilight where Bella has been bitten on the wrist really triggers me. (yeah that's a screen grab of her wrist to the right. i know it's horribly difficult to make out)

It's not really the cut or the blood that does it. It's the mix of pleasure and pain on her face that reminds me of cutting. It's really hard for me to watch that scene because it makes me remember how much I used to love the pain and pleasure that came from cutting. I've watched the movie a bunch of times since I picked up my copy on the 21st, and it doesn't really get any easier with each time.

It also reminds me of how my ex-husband cut my left wrist on the night in 2006 that led to me getting him arrested for domestic violence. The physical scar on my wrist faded a long time ago, but that emotional scar is still there. Whenever I see a bloody wrist it makes me think about that, and for some reason my mind still wants to finish the cut he started.

Has the scene triggered anyone else? Or is it just me?

I just really don't get why watching this specific scene triggers me when nothing else ever really does.

Along the line of the abuse, another one of the Post Secret cards this week grabbed my attention ...

when boredom takes over

I was bored tonight so I started playing around with photos and started making mosaics. Sometime when I'm bored I'm going to get myself to sit down and write a serious blog entry, I promise...

More post secret cards

I found a Tumblr page called The Secret Postcards that posts old post cards from Post Secret. Since I've only been following Post Secret for a short amount of time, I've missed a lot of the good ones, so this Tumblr page is awesome for me. Here are some ones I found that really spoke to me...

2009 State-by-State Teen Dating Violence Report Card

By the Associated Press

NEW YORK — Only a handful of states have responded to teen dating violence with laws enabling the youthful victims to obtain protection orders on equal terms with adults, an advocacy group says in a new national survey.

The report on state laws by Break the Cycle, a teen-violence prevention organization that has worked with the Justice Department, gave A grades to only five states. Twelve states got D's and 11 failed.

Grades were based on various comparisons between the legal treatment of adult victims of domestic violence and teen victims of dating violence. Failure was automatic for states where protective orders are unavailable for minors, or where dating relationships are not explicitly recognized as valid for obtaining such orders.

“It is essential that dating violence and the needs of minor victims be specifically addressed within state domestic violence statutes,” said Marjorie Gilberg, executive director of Break the Cycle. “Lawmakers have a responsibility … to propose legislation that will ensure the protection of all victims of domestic violence — regardless of their age.”

National surveys have estimated that one in three youths experiences dating abuse at some point during their teens — incidents ranging from a slap on the cheek to homicide. Despite the high rate of abuse, Break the Cycle and other advocacy groups say too many states do not treat dating violence with appropriate seriousness.

“Some states feel that if have they good child abuse laws, minors are protected,” Gilberg said in a telephone interview. “There's definitely a lack of awareness about the prevalence of abuse among teens in their relationships.”

Break the Cycle contends that all young people over 12 should have the right to petition for protection on their own behalf and that domestic violence protection orders should be available even against abusers who are minors.

The new report gives states lower grades if their laws block minors from seeking protective orders on their own, without parental involvement.

Sheryl Cates, CEO of the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, said parental involvement is a challenging issue.

“If you're a parent, you want to know if your child is in danger, but on other hand, teens want the anonymity, to not have to tell their parents,” she said. “It's very complicated, trying to find a balance between a victim's rights and parents' right to know.”

Kristina Korobov, an attorney with National Center for the Prosecution of Violence Against Women, said it's sometimes crucial for teens to be able to seek protective orders on their own. They may have strained relations with their parents or come from a home where domestic violence already is occurring.

Korobov, a former prosecutor in Indianapolis and Loudoun County, Va., said it's important in such instances for courts to provide an attorney or other expert to guide the youth through the legal process.

The report commended New Hampshire as the only state where the law specifically allows minors of any age to go to court by themselves to request a protection order. It received an A along with California, Illinois, Minnesota and Oklahoma.

Getting F's were Alabama, Arizona, Georgia, Kentucky, Missouri, North Carolina, Ohio, South Carolina, South Dakota, Utah and Virginia.

Korobov said the law in Virginia, where she is based, makes it hard for many teens to get protective orders because it generally limits them to cases where the victim and the perpetrator have been married or lived together — circumstances which often don't apply to dating violence.

“A lot of people tend to see crimes being committed by juveniles as ‘kids being kids,“’ Korobov said. “They think, ‘Oh, this person is lovesick. It's not as serious as domestic violence.“’

Gilberg said some legislators are wary of the changes advocated by Break the Cycle because they fear creating a “litigious group of minors” who might misuse expanded access to the justice system. But she said awareness-raising efforts were making headway in several states.

For example, in Ohio, which got a failing grade, Attorney General Richard Cordray and some lawmakers have been promoting a bill this year that would allow juvenile courts to issue protection orders for minors in dating relationships.

The bill was inspired in part by the plight of Johanna Orozco, a Cleveland teenager who was shot in the face by her 17-year-old ex-boyfriend in 2007 and has had numerous operations. Orozco wanted to get a protection order, but Ohio juvenile courts cannot issue them against minors.

State-by-state grades

Grades given to the states in a report by the advocacy group Break the Cycle assessing whether state laws provide adequate protection to minors who are the victims of dating violence:

A: California, Illinois, Minnesota, New Hampshire, Oklahoma.

B: Arkansas, Florida, Indiana, Louisiana, Mississippi, Pennsylvania, Texas, Washington, Wisconsin.

C: Alaska, Delaware, District of Columbia, Hawaii, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Rhode Island, Tennessee, Vermont, West Virginia, Wyoming.

D: Colorado, Connecticut, Idaho, Iowa, Kansas, Massachusetts, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Mexico, North Dakota, Oregon.

F: Alabama, Arizona, Georgia, Kentucky, Missouri, North Carolina, Ohio, South Carolina, South Dakota, Utah, Virginia.

http://www.breakthecycle.org/

new collage - March 22

Out of boredom I made this new collage Sunday afternoon. This time the images came from all over the internet ... Tumblr, flickr, myspace, and so on.

Very important BPD survey

This evening Amanda Smith of the Florida Borderline Personality Disorder Association posted a link to an anonymous survey being conducted by the Mount Sinai School of Medicine about what borderline patients want included in the upcoming edition of DSM-V which will be completed in 2012.

The survey basically goes through the BPD criteria and you answer if you think it should stay in the DSM-V or be taken out. They're hoping to get 300 surveys.

If you've been officially diagnosed with borderline, click here to complete the survey.

anti-depressant postcard

Once again a postcard on this week's PostSecret blog entry really spoke to me. I've said this hundreds of times since I was 16.

so stupid...

These are funny/stupid police calls printed in my hometown newspaper. Why do they bother printing these? And how does a phone even make calls if it’s really “inactive” or “deactivated?” My favorite one is the one about a fraud with pennies.


March 17:

9:16 a.m. - 9-1-1 hangup call from inactive cell phone
9:36 a.m. - 9-1-1 call from inactive cell phone
10:40 a.m. - Report of reckless driver heading toward town
Noon - Report of reckless driver coming into town
3:42 p.m. - 9-1-1 call from inactive cell phone
4:35 p.m. - Report of small child walking around with no clothes on.
4:52 p.m. - Report of dog in a car barking because it was hot.
5:55 p.m. - Report of suspicious vehicle.
7:47 p.m. - Animal call, dog tearing up trash
8:27 p.m. - Possible disturbance, daughter took swing at mother


March 18:

12:39 a.m. - Report of skateboarders
1:27 p.m. - Report of people working on vehicles that do not belong to them
2:07 p.m. - Woman found abandoned bike
6:04 p.m. - Man found a stray dog with some puppies
6:04 p.m. - Report of dog eating people’s trash
6:20 p.m. - Report of dog standing in middle of highway
7:09 p.m. - Call about person wanting to drop off dog at pound
8:15 p.m. - Report of fraud, someone dropped off role of coins said they were nickles and dimes but instead were pennies


March 19:

12:34 a.m. - 9-1-1 call from deactivated cell phone
12:53 p.m. - 9-1-1 call from inactive cell phone
1:41 p.m. - 9-1-1 call from inactive cell phone
4:04 a.m. - 9-1-1 call from deactivated cell phone
5:44 a.m. - Call about person staying at emergency room and wouldn’t leave
9:36 a.m. - Report of cow and two calves roaming streets in housing addition.
2:15 p.m. - 9-1-1 call from inactive cell phone
3:56 p.m. - 9-1-1 call from deactivated cell phone
5:47 p.m. - Person needs dead bird picked up
11:38 p.m. - 9-1-1 call from deactivated cell phone

PSA re-enacts details from alleged Rihanna beating

The Associated Press

NEW YORK — The alleged beating of Rihanna has inspired an online public service announcement about dating violence.

A new video by the teen organization DoSomething.org features actors recreating the pop star's grim, highly publicized confrontation with her boyfriend, singer Chris Brown.

A young man and woman re-enact details from a Los Angeles police affidavit alleging that on Feb. 8, Brown punched, bit and choked Rihanna until she nearly lost consciousness.

A narrator describes the scene in a deadpan voice.

“We didn't want to be overdramatic,” said Nancy Lublin, chief executive officer of DoSomething.org. “Our goal was not to shoot a Lifetime TV movie. … There was no need to sensationalize things. It was bad enough.”

The brief clip can be viewed on YouTube. It closes with the statistic that one in three teenagers is abused in a relationship, and promotes free bracelets — one blue, two black — that spread awareness about dating abuse.

Lublin said the goal is to make people think and change their behavior. The organization used white actors on purpose to shift the conversation away from the celebrity singers.

“The public is very focused right now on Chris and Rihanna,” she said. “I think people need to realize that this is an issue that goes beyond those particular people, and it affects everybody of every race. And so we wanted this to not be an exact re-enactment. We wanted instead to say: Could this be you?”

Teens explore their thoughts on relationship violence

By Debbie Cafazzo
McClatchy Newspapers

After 19-year-old singer Chris Brown was accused last month of beating his girlfriend, singer Rihanna, 21, anonymous opinions about the superstars spread across the Internet.

Some commenters refused to believe the clean-cut Brown could have done it. Earlier this month, Brown was charged by Los Angeles prosecutors with felony assault and making criminal threats. And despite the police photos of a battered Rihanna leaked online, some people accused her of faking her injuries to get attention.

Others said Rihanna must have enjoyed the abuse, because she seemed willing to get back together with Brown. Indeed, celebrity gossip Web site TMZ.com reports that the couple recently sneaked into the studio together to record a duet a love song.

So what's up with that?

It's Charhys Bailey's job to help confused teens understand.

Bailey, youth program coordinator of the YWCA Pierce County in Washington state, teaches classes on healthy relationships and teen dating violence. She has taken her message of prevention to high schools in Pierce County.

And recent Bailey led a discussion of the Brown-Rihanna incident with 10 teen boys and girls at a meeting of the Sisters of Vision, a youth group sponsored by Allen A.M.E. Church in Tacoma, Wash.

Several of the teens reported the gossip they'd heard through the news media and online: Rihanna hit Brown first. He was angry because she was cheating on him, or he blamed her for giving him a sexually transmitted disease.

“Why are people focusing on what Rihanna has done?” Bailey asked the teens.

“Because people like Chris Brown so much, so they blame it all on the woman,” answered 12-year-old Timiki McGee.

Cheryl Jones, Sisters of Vision leader, posed another question to the teens: “Does it matter if she gave him herpes, if she slapped him or if she started it?”

“No,” everyone answered in unison.

Trennesia Jackson, 16, said she thought everyone was talking about Rihanna “to add more interest, more flames to the fire, to keep a spotlight on the issue.”

Bailey explained that blaming the victim is a typical reaction to domestic violence episodes. But, she added, victims shouldn't make the mistake of blaming themselves. “It's not about you, it's about the abuser,” she told the teens.

Sometimes it is difficult for teenagers to recognize what's abusive behavior. While physical abuse can leave bruises or other marks, verbal or emotional abuse may be more subtle.

Teenagers who say they're friends may hurl insults at each other and insist it's all in fun. “Sometimes people think it's just joking,” says Jackson. “But then one person gets serious, and it's not funny any more.”

One of the warning signs of abuse is jealousy that borders on possessiveness. And with technology such as texting and cell phones, jealous behavior can take on new dimensions.

“There's a difference between someone calling to say they love you, or that they're concerned about you, and someone constantly texting you, calling you or accusing you of being with someone else,” Bailey says.

Teens, especially, may misinterpret possessiveness. “A young woman may see it as attention — he loves me, or he wouldn't be so jealous,” Bailey says.

Abusers often appear on the surface as the perfect partner — loveable, talented, charming and romantic, but their real goal is to exercise power over their partners. Their tools are manipulation and isolation. “They try to control your actions, your thoughts, your family and friends,” Bailey says. “They try to change your whole outlook, to keep you confined to their world.”

For example, a teen abuser may force a partner to drop out of sports or other school activities, arguing that the couple needs to spend every minute together.

One in five teens in a serious relationship report being hit, slapped or pushed by a partner, according to the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline. And while the preponderance of abuse among teens is male on female, Bailey says that the reverse can also occur. She's heard young men complain that they feel helpless when their girlfriends “fight like a man.”

“The components are the same,” she says.

Many people make the mistake of thinking that domestic abuse is about anger. But, Bailey says, it's really about someone using anger to control someone else.

TEEN RELATIONSHIP ABUSE: WHAT TO WATCH FOR

In victims

• Unexplained bruises or injuries
• Drinking or drug use in an effort to cope with the abuse
• Changes in dress, aimed at pleasing the abuser
• Making excuses for a partner's bad behavior

In abusers

• Extreme jealousy
• Hitting, slapping, punching, kicking you
• Repeated texting or calling to check up on you
• Stalking, either in person or online, including tracking which Web sites you visit
• Constant name-calling or put-downs
• Telling you to give up beloved activities or friends so you can spend more time with the abuser
• Threatening to hurt or kill you if you break up
• Telling you what to wear
• Forcing you to have sex before you're ready

WHO TO TALK TO

If you are a teen who is suffering physical or emotional abuse at the hands of your partner, or you know someone who is, don't keep it a secret.

• A friend
• Your parent or a friend's parent
• A teacher, a principal or a school counselor
• A domestic violence hot line
• A pastor or a youth adviser
• A police officer or a school security officer
• A coach

HOW TO HELP A FRIEND

• Listen
• Respect her privacy
• Don't tell her what to do. She is already being controlled and you don't want to re-victimize her
• Don't make her feel stupid or embarrassed.
• Let her know you're concerned and that you're there for her when she's ready to talk
• Offer to be with her when she talks to an adult, either in person or anonymously through a telephone hot line

RESOURCES

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: www.loveisrespect.org or 1-866-331-9474

Abusers share traits that can serve as warning signs

By Brenda Della Casa
divorce360.com

The abuse of music superstar, Robyn Rihanna Fenty (known to the world as “Rihanna”) has thrust domestic violence out of the shadows and onto center stage, opening discussions, heightening concerns and even sparking heated debates as to what it might mean for the superstar's career should she stay with alleged abuser boyfriend, Chris Brown.

While the picture of a battered and bruised superstar shocked the world, statistics say that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men could relate to it in some way. While there is not a completely fail-proof way to protect yourself from entering a violent relationship, abusers often share some common personality traits that can serve as warning signs. Read below to find out what they are.

A “LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT” BEGINNING

Many victims of abuse detail a “romantic” courtship where the abuser “came on strong” and professed their love and desire to move in together or even get married within the first few months of dating. The abuser may have started discussing the future in the first few weeks of dating or demanded exclusivity soon after meeting the victim.

Protect Yourself: It takes time to get to know someone enough to love them and an instant need for a total connection stems from desperation and a desire for others to fill a need within oneself. Take your time when getting to know someone and be weary of giving up your own home or ring finger too soon.

LACK OF ACCOUNTABILITY

Whether it's getting fired or putting their hands on you, nothing an abuser says or does is their fault. If the person you are with is always “reacting” to others and using “You make me” statements such as “You make me so angry I throw things” or even “You make me whole” be aware. It shows they see themselves as totally reactive and out-of-control of their own lives.

Protect Yourself: We are all completely responsible for everything we choose to say and do in our lives. Others might make us angry or hurt our feelings but we choose how we will respond. You are never responsible for someone choosing to insult, push, punch or otherwise harm you. When someone blames you or others for their behavior, don't accept it as the truth.

THEY VERBALLY ABUSE YOU

Statistics show that most abusers don't physically hit or kick their victims during the first argument but instead their lashings with their tongues. It may begin as “jokes” that hurt and humiliate you (usually followed with a comment about your being “too sensitive”) or mentioning how they don't know how you would function on your own. Before you know it, you're being called names and grabbed. Abuse escalates over time and most verbally abusive relationships get physical at some point.

Protect Yourself: We have all said things in anger that we regret but, as a rule, healthy adults speak to one another with respect. If your partner is insulting your intelligence, putting you down or otherwise speaking to you in a manner that makes you feel insecure, belittled and disrespected, it's not OK. Ask yourself, “Do others in my life speak to me this way?” No one deserves to be a victim of vicious language.

A NEED FOR TOTAL CONTROL

Abusive men and women often seem “concerned” and loving in the beginning of a relationship. They may claim they get angry out of worry or a desire to make sure you are O.K. but as time moves on, their need to control everything from what you wear to where you go becomes suffocating and many victims find themselves walking on eggshells to please their partner. They will stop wearing “so much makeup” or avoid accepting plans that do not include the abuser just to avoid the argument. Is your spouse controlling?

Protect Yourself: A partner being upset that you didn't call when you were going to be running an hour late is one thing but constantly fighting to mold you into who they think you should be is unhealthy. Pay attention to how your body feels. Concern feels different than control. One is caring and loving while the other feels suffocating and even a bit scary. If you feel picked apart or living in a constant state of “not good enough as is” you're not in a healthy situation.

THEY'RE ALWAYS SORRY

After the abuser releases their anger, they are usually full of shame and regret. They will often say and do whatever they believe their victim needs them to in order to take them back and forgive them. This might include buying expensive gifts, crying, promising to change or even promise to go and get outside help. These episodes are often followed by a “Honeymoon Period” during which the abuser is on his or her “best” behavior. As time passes, the situation moves back into old patterns and the abuse happens again. How treatment for abuse works

Protect Yourself: No relationship is perfect and we all make mistakes but an apology for similar “mistakes” shouldn't be coming your way every Tuesday or even every other month. Forgiveness is something loving people do and abusers play on this theme and take advantage of their victims love. You might feel sorry for the abuser or be so in love with them that you want to believe they can change out of love for you but the fact is, their need to abuse is about something deeply embedded in them and has nothing at all to do with you or your relationship. Change takes a lot of work and a lot of time and for abusers, a lot of therapy. It does not usually happen that an abuser will simply “make a decision” and become healthy over night.

THEY DISLIKE YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM

Not every friend and loved one will become best pals with your partner but that doesn't mean you shouldn't maintain your own relationship with both, in spite of their differences or lack of connection. Abusive men and women will often demand you cut off contact or criticize your relationships with others as a way to isolate and gain more control over you. The less outside influence you have (and fewer eyes looking in to the abuse) the more power they gain over you.

Protect Yourself: Maintain your outside relationships and pay attention to the concerns of friends and loved ones. If the people who have been there for you and loved you for years before the relationship are telling you they are worried, don't brush it off as simply not liking your partner.

THEY HAVE TWO FACES

Abusers come in all shapes and sizes and most of them are not the nasty, violent town drunks but men and women who are often seen as “charming” and “kind” to outsiders. They have a keen ability to keep their abusive ways hidden which can reinforce the idea that the victim is the “reason” they become violent. Does football promote abuse?

Protect Yourself: Be aware of sudden mood changes. If your partner is happy one minute and violent another, take it as a red flag. Most people get upset gradually and do not go “from 0-60.”

OTHER WARNING SIGNS:

1. They throw, punch or otherwise destroy objects

2. They harm animals/children

3. They believe a woman “has her place.”

4. They abuse drugs, alcohol or even sex

5. They don't take no for an answer with sex and pressure you or use force

6. They show signs of extreme jealousy

7. They are or have been violent with others

If You Are Being Abused: Please contact The National Domestic Violence Coalition at 1.800.799.7233 from a secure phone or visit online at http://www.ndvh.org/

Please note: Cell phones and home computers shared with an abuser are not safe to use.

damn horoscope

The Lipstick Mystic horoscopes are too damn accurate sometimes.

Libra For March 30 to April 5:

You're going back and forth about a relationship. Maybe you're interested in two people at once and you're genuinely confused about what to do. Or maybe you've hit a road block with someone and you're wondering if this is your soulmate. Mars says you need more time.

I don't believe in coincidences

I have never believed in coincidence. I believe everything happens for a reason and that there's always a hidden meaning to everything that happens if you take the time to look at it. But sometimes things happen that make me think maybe, just maybe, there are real coincidences.

I have been in a funk lately, as I said in the last post, and this afternoon I had a mystery shopping assignment at a women's clothing store. While I was in the store, I looked over and spotted a neat looking home decor item. It was a framed quote that sits on a shelf. The quote was:

Once in a while, right in the middle of ordinary life, love gives you a Fairy Tale!

I found the quote very appropriate considering how I've been in my funk and yesterday I did get a fairy tale-type moment (or rather afternoon). It didn't last very long, but it was quite awesome. Of course, it may have made the funk worse in the end...


That wasn't the coincidental occurrence I was talking about. A couple minutes later I noticed another one of the quotes...

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breaths away.

I've heard that second quote plenty of times, but I've never really put much thought into it. I had to buy something for the shop to be valid, so I went ahead and bought them both. Then I went to Target to pick up a prescription. Before leaving the store, I checked out the dollar spot bins. I sometimes find cool things for a $1, and I've been looking for some fridge magnets to replace the ones I had that the psycho ex-husband trashed. Sure enough I saw some magnets. The first magnet I picked up said:

Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Yes, they're worded a little different, but it's the same quote overall. How weird is that? I bought the magnet mainly because there's got to be some reason I'd find two things within one hour with the same quote. I don't know what to make of it right now, but I'll put some real thought into it.


It all brings back memories of how a couple years ago, I was depressed as hell about the ex-husband and driving around Oklahoma City. In the midst of my crying, I looked up and the quote "Nothing but dreams for the dreamer" was spray painted on the side of a building. That quote has stuck with me for two years.

Cutting video

The last few weeks have been really hard. I haven't wanted to talk on here about it. Well I haven't wanted to talk about it period. Three things have happened that have given me a little set-back, but I know I'll be able to deal and get over it. I will talk about it all when I feel up to it.

Today has been especially difficult and the thoughts of cutting have crossed my mind a few times, but I know I can't do it, I won't do it. I've come too far to let myself break down like that.

Tonight one of my friends on myspace posted a bulletin with the following music video. Her rapper boyfriend created the song/video. It does a really good job explaining self-harm. Check out her myspace page here and watch the video below (WARNING IT COULD BE TRIGGERING)

Why I love Mandy

I constantly get asked why I am so in love with Mandy Moore. I normally don't take the time to spell everything out. Well today I was extremely bored, sleep-deprived, and in a weird mood so I decided to go into detail about my infatuation with her.


I remember the day I first saw her on TV. I was 17 and watching TRL on MTV. Carson Daly (who I have always hated with a great passion) introduced her "Candy" video. At first I didn't have much interest in it. I saw it as just a cheesy pop song... until she made the facial expression that's in the screenshot to the right. I can't really be sure why she caught my eye just then, but I'm sure it was the lip-biting that hooked me.

I quickly became like a crazy teeny-bopper and got obsessed with her. That was in 1999, so after almost a full decade, I still have a thing for her. It's one of my longest-lasting crushes, second only to the crush I have had for a girl from my hometown since I was 8 years old (Isn't it weird that my two longest crushes have been on females? But that's a whole other blog entry...).

In 2000, MTV gave her an afternoon talk show, and I made sure I saw every episode. In 2002, my eternal love for her hit its highest point when my mom, aunt, and I went to see "A Walk To Remember" in the tiny movie theater in their hometown. I had never read the book, so I wasn't sure what to expect. As soon as we figured out that Mandy's character was dying, all three of us started crying, which would have been more embarrassing if we weren't the only ones in the theater. And the scene of the movie in which she sings "Only Hope" is my favorite scene out of all her movies because she's so beautiful and her voice is so captivating in that song. Plus, I love her and Shane West both, so seeing them kiss on screen for the first time was awesome.



Over the years, the crush has only got stronger. Despite the fact that I never bought CDs, I actually got all her CDs (except "Coverage" which I couldn't stand) and watched every single movie she was in as soon as they came out.

So that takes me up to today. I made the graphic below to break down my attraction to Mandy into small understandable parts. When it comes to fantasies I'm very superficial, but in real life, I go for women who don't look like this. Please don't think that I'm this superficial when it comes women in real-life. But I do hope some of you can get a little chuckle from it.

New BPD forum

A new support forum has been created for people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Check it out

*sniffle, sniffle*

Last month I went off about Mandy Moore getting engaged to Ryan Adams. US Magazine has announced that the couple got married on Tuesday.

It really depresses me that my fantasy woman is now taken by a ... a... a... well... someone I can't stand. I think I'm just going to live in denial about it all. I'm going to keep pretending that one day she'll decided she likes women and I'll have a shot at getting with her. (Yeah, I know that will never happen, but a girl can dream, right?)

Rachel Getting Married

I'm stuck at home sick today, so I'm laying on the couch with nothing better to do than watch TV and blog ...

Over the last several months, I've heard a ton of good things about the movie "Rachel Getting Married." I've heard a lot of people say they think the main character is borderline, so automatically I was drawn to it.

I rented it from the RedBox Tuesday night using a code I had received to get it free, and I couldn't find a single good thing to say about the movie. To me it was so boring that I couldn't stand it. There was nothing in it to keep my attention. The movie just dragged on and on. I actually finished it but really considered just shutting it off half way through it.

I normally love Anne Hathaway in everything I watch her in, but watching this movie was like hearing fingernails on a chalkboard.

I can't recommend that anyone pay to rent it and I'm even sure I'd say to get it if you can get it free.

'Rachel Getting Married' Theatrical Trailer @ Yahoo! Video

This is hot ...

... and a little disturbing.

Hello Kitty Hell posted this last week, and I just saw it. This is a Hello Kitty product I can really get behind.

*wink wink*

Pearlz video

Another waste of tax dollars...

Another wonderfully useless idea from the same stupid Oklahoma lawmaker who wants to italicize OKLAHOMA on our state flag and add an exclamation point to the end of it. And create an official state abbreviation of OK!

A giant $100 million oil derrick that's taller than the Eiffel Tower across the Oklahoma River? Give me a break!

(I posted about the flag bill the other day ... http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/03/big-waste-of-time-and-tax-money.html)


Video found via: http://www.thelostogle.com/2009/03/09/shane-jett-is-silly/

Store flasher

Too funny not to share. I went to this convenience store all the time a couple years back. I lived on the same corner that the store is on...

Big waste of time and tax money

This man is wasting my tax dollars. I don't normally pay attention to what goes on at the state capitol, or even in Washington for that matter.... that is unless my job requires me to pay attention. Thursday night a story caught my eye, and I'm pretty peeved off about it.

Oklahoma state Rep. Shane Jett has introduced a bill to change the state flag. I admit it could use a little facelift, but that's not really what Jett wants to do. He's wanting to italicize the word OKLAHOMA on the flag and add an exclamation point. And to make matters even worse the bill would create an "official" state abbreviation. It would be OK!

What the hell? Instead of spending his time focusing on the state's unemployment rate, or decrepit roads and bridges, or the education system, or ANYTHING with some real importance, he's wasting tax dollars on a stupid bill. He wasted time writing the bill. He's wasting the time of a House committee and the entire House if it passes through a committee.

What are we ... 12-year-old girls who love putting exclamation points on everything? It makes me wonder if Jett uses little happy faces to dot his I's when he writes or uses the word "extreme" to describe everything. (Remember a few years ago when tons of marketers/advertisers thought they could add "extreme" to everything to make it sound more interesting? ... extreme toothpaste, extreme deodorant, and so on).

Here's an idea of what the new flag would look like compared to the original (via the Tulsa World)...

The abbreviation may bother me more than redoing the flag. It's not OK or Okla. It's OK! If the bill passes, the state would have the same abbreviation as the name of OK! Magazine. Maybe Jett loves to read the magazine in the check-out stand every time he goes to a grocery store. Maybe he's as obsessed about celebrity gossip as I am. Maybe he's hooked on reading about Britney Spears and the Chris Brown/Rihanna drama.

But should we really use the name of a celebrity magazine as our "official" abbreviation? Absolutely not.

If you want to read more on the flag bill on the Tulsa World site, click here.