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OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

You have no doubt seen or heard the commercials: "Where does depression hurt? EVERYWHERE. Who does depression hurt? EVERYONE." Mental illnesses can consume you, take over your entire life and hurt everyone around you if you let it. I am no exception.

My life feels like I am stuck riding on a rollercoaster in the middle of a hurricane. I have ups and downs, and I have left a path of destruction in my wake. My sanity dangles on a tiny fragile string, and through this blog I am giving the world a look into my broken mind and my unstable life.

In the end, I am just a girl trying to maintain my sanity in a candy-coated world of misery. Here you'll get a glimpse at just how true those commercials are. Keep your arms and legs inside the blog at all times, hold on tight, and prepare yourself for a very bumpy ride ...

Feel free to comment here on the blog or email me at bpdokc@yahoo.com.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Report: More teens struggling with depression

BY THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

TULSA, Okla. (AP) — The number of American youths ages 12 to 17 who experienced at least one major depressive episode in the last year reached 8.2 percent, a new report shows.

Of the nearly 2 million kids who did experience such a bout with depression, only about 39 percent received treatment, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.

“It's pretty shocking stuff,” said Beverly Moore, a spokeswoman with Associated Centers for Therapy, a nonprofit community mental health center.

In Oklahoma, one in five children is struggling with mental illness or substance abuse, according to a report released by the Oklahoma Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services in September.

The report also points out that 40 percent needing mental health and 80 percent needing substance abuse help are not receiving treatment.

“Part of it is the stigma,” Moore said. “Part of it is physical health and mental health aren't looked at on the same level. A lot of it is parents don't see the problem until it reaches a crisis.”

A major depressive episode is two weeks or longer with either a depressed mood or a loss of interest or sense of pleasure and at least four other symptoms that reflect a change in functioning, including problems with sleep, eating, energy, concentration and self-image.

Mike Brose, executive director of the Mental Health Association of Tulsa, said his agency offers screenings at schools for mental health disorders and substance abuse. The problem is only 15 to 20 percent of the parents give written permission.

“The data shows that if left untreated, mental health problems don't just spontaneously go away,” Brose said.

Left untreated, mental illness and depression can lead to self medication with alcohol and illegal substances that can turn into addiction.

“There are still a lot of people that won't seek treatment because of the stigma. It's still out there and is alive and well and kicking,” Brose said. “Through education, we have a chance to overcome that stigma.”

It can be difficult for parents to identify what could be normal adolescent behavior and when that line gets crossed and becomes something more serious.

“Parents tend to err on the side of minimizing or denial. They don't seem to err on the side of ‘What's going on? Maybe I need to talk to someone,“’ Brose said. “In our culture, it's because of the stigma or the human nature of parents not wanting to think anything is wrong with children.”


Maybe I have fibromyalgia

For as long as I can remember, I've had chronic pain and fatigue issues, and none of my doctors have ever been able to figure out what causes it. Each doctor has had his own theories, but none of them have ever really held up. They've thought that my thyroid was messed up, but it always tests fine. They've thought it was just depression. Some of suggested chronic fatigue syndrome. Most of them have said that it could be because I'm overweight, but that didn't hold up because I lost 115 pounds, which made me no longer overweight, and I kept the weight off for quite a while, and I still had all the same issues.

For a couple years, I've seen TV commercials about fibromyalgia medicines, and it's crossed my mind that it sounded like me, but I never looked into it. But since I've been on Twitter, I've started talking to several people who have it, and the majority of their problems are the same as mine.

I just took a quiz on WebMD to see how likely my symptoms are to be fibromyalgia, and the results say that there is a "high probability" that I have it. I have all but one of the symptoms that WebMD lists. The only one I've never had problems with is the discoloration of hands and feet.

Symptoms:
  • Anxiety
  • Concentration and memory problems
  • Depression
  • Digestive disorders
  • Discoloration of hands and feet
  • Dryness in mouth, nose, and eyes
  • Fatigue
  • Headaches
  • Irritable bowel syndrome
  • Morning stiffness
  • Pain
  • Painful menstrual cramps
  • Restless legs syndrome
  • Sleep problems
  • Swelling, numbness, and tingling in hands, arms, feet, and legs
  • Trigger points
  • Urinary symptoms

The worst of my pains is hard to really explain. It sort of feels like electrical shocks shooting through my muscle tissues. That doesn't really explain it great, but I can't think of a better way to say it. It happens all the time. I also have cramping-type pains all the time (of course it's worse based on my menstrual cycle, but it happens all the time). I quite often get cramps in my calves that hurt like hell, sometimes to the point I start crying. I'll just barely move my leg and it will cramp. Sometimes I do it in my sleep and I wake up screaming in pain. I also get the cramps in my stomach region and on my sides. Those cramps don't happen as often as the calf ones, but when they do happen it's the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.

I've been tested and treated for almost all of the symptoms alone, but no one has ever really looked at the problems really as a whole. I've always said that I think there's an underlying problem causing everything, but no one ever really listens to me.

After I get all my dental issues resolved, I'm going to go to my general practice doctor and ask him about it. He's the one who is most likely to really listen to me.


Is Pink borderline?

I've heard Pink's song "Please Don't Leave Me" probably a hundred times, but I never took the time to really listen to the lyrics until tonight. What is it about her music that always cuts right through to the core of my borderline personality? This song is particularly borderline sounding. It sounds so much like the "I hate you/don't leave me" mentality that it really makes me wonder if Pink is borderline. Frankly most of her current CD and all of the related videos make me wonder.

On a side note ... Eric Lively is in the video for "Please Don't Leave Me." I've had a thing for him for the last 10 years ever since I saw him in "American Pie." I love him.... Oh and by the way, the audience of dolls in the video creeps me out.




"Please Don't Leave Me" lyrics

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many times I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
Da da da, da da

I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
When my heart is broken
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Da da da, da da

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Oh please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I cannot be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry

Post secret goodies

I've found some Post Secret cards lately that really speak to me. The first couple are from today's blog post. The other ones are older.








Last day of the Cartoon-A-Thon

Today is the last day of May, thus the final day for Mental Health Humor's Cartoon-A-Thon. I want to say thanks to Chato B. Stewart for his efforts to raise awareness and spread some cheer while he's doing it. If you haven't already done so, please donate at http://www.mentalhealthcartoons.com. Even a few dollars will help, probably even more than you'd think it would.

The last three cartoons are below. This first one, which is today's cartoon, is totally like me. My general practice doctor always uses me as a guinea pig to test out all the latest drugs on. I don't really mind it overall because I'm always willing to search for a better medicine, but I may be much more cautious about trying new drugs in the future since Lamictal gave me gum disease.

On a side note... my GP doctor is such a babe. I'd have his babies. I just had to share that ... ;)





Past cartoons

May 1: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon.html
May 2: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-2.html
May 3: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-3.html
May 4: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-4.html
May 5: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-5-this-one-is-so-me.html
May 6-8: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-days-6-8.html
May 9: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-9.html
May 10-12: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-days-10-12.html
May 13: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-13.html
May 14: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-14.html
May 15: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-15-borderline-barney.html
May 16: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-16.html
May 17: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-17.html
May 18: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-18.html
May 19: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-19.html
May 20-26: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-days-20-26.html
May 27: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-27.html
May 28: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-28.html


Saturday, May 30, 2009

A message to my abusive father

Today I made the most emotional and revealing photo collage that I've ever done. It visually shows how the abuse from my father throughout my childhood/teen years has affected me. It shows the depression and self-harm that have stemmed from the pain I still feel because of the abuse. I did the collage as if I would show it to my father, so it's directed directly to him, but of course, he'll never see it.

I've included a full-size version of the collage and a smaller version that may be easier to view in your internet browser (click the thumbnails to see the larger images), but
if you're someone who's triggered by images of self-harm, PLEASE DON'T look at it. I don't want my art to trigger anyone. I don't want to cause anyone any pain.

The full-size:


Smaller size:



Friday, May 29, 2009

PTSD-related anxiety attack


After almost five years of abuse from my ex-husband, I had a lot of post-traumatic stress related issues, but it's been months since I had any of the problems. But last night I had a PTSD-related anxiety attack in the middle of the night. I think it was probably due to all the stress going on in my life right now. Everything keeps building up and it's putting me completely on edge.

Around 4:45 a.m. I woke up when I heard a weird noise that sounded like a cell phone beeping. My phone showed no indication that it had beeped, so I don't know if I actually dreamed the noise or if I really did hear something.

Regardless if I really heard a beep or not, it sent me into a complete panic that someone may be in the house. My ex-husband used to drink all night and would burst into the bedroom, wake me up, and abuse me. The beep brought back all those horribly painful memories. It brought back all the images of being pinned down with my ex-husband holding a knife to my throat and of him cutting my wrist.

I started freaking out about every single noise I heard after I woke up. I curled up in the fetus position shaking with my heart pounding as fast and hard as it possibly could. I really felt like I was going to have a heart attack there for a while. It took about 30 minutes to calm myself down, but I was able to talk myself down from the anxiety attack.

I wish I could've called a friend to help talk me through it, but I've discovered in the last several months that all my good friends turn off their phones when they go to bed or just ignore it when I call in the middle of the night. It makes me mad... what if I was about to kill myself and they would just ignore my call? What kind of friend is that???

I sometimes call my mom in the middle of the night when something like that happens, but I always feel bad about waking her up, especially when something else is bothering her, and since her friend just died, I figured I wouldn't put extra stress on her this time.

I really thought I was passed all the PTSD stuff, but I guess there is bound to be some lingering effects. It may take years to overcome it completely.


Photo courtesy of Flickr


Thursday, May 28, 2009

Cartoon-a-thon Day 28

There's only a few days left in the month, so there's not much time left to donate to Mental Health Humor's Cartoon-A-Thon if you were putting it off to the end of the month. Please go to http://www.mentalhealthcartoons.com/ to donate. Here's today's cartoon:


Past cartoons

May 1: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon.html
May 2: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-2.html
May 3: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-3.html
May 4: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-4.html
May 5: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-5-this-one-is-so-me.html
May 6-8: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-days-6-8.html
May 9: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-9.html
May 10-12: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-days-10-12.html
May 13: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-13.html
May 14: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-14.html
May 15: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-15-borderline-barney.html
May 16: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-16.html
May 17: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-17.html
May 18: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-18.html
May 19: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-19.html
May 20-26: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-days-20-26.html
May 27: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-27.html


My mom's friend died

I don't think this month could get much worse. After everything else that's happened lately, my mom called me about an hour ago from her job crying to tell me that she just found out that one of her best friends has died. She had just got off the phone with a relative of the friend.

My family lived next door to the woman for about 10 years. She and my mom used to walk several miles together every day. My older brother always mowed her lawn for her. We used to house-sit for her when she went on vacation. She was the only person in Oklahoma that I knew who grew grapes in her back yard.

She apparently fell down some stairs and hit her head, then she had a stroke.

I am doing ok, but I'm worried about my mom. She's had such a difficult time in the last year, so I'm worried about how she's going to handle this. I really wish I could go stay with her for a couple days, but I can't.


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Cartoon-a-thon Day 27

I don't have an iPhone, but if I did, I'd want the type of application that Chato drew about in today's cartoon for the Cartoon-A-Thon. It would be awesome if you could have a device that would tell you when your medicine isn't working properly or if, for example, a medicine is starting to give you freakin gum disease! (Ok, I'm not over the anger stage of grieving my healthy mouth yet)

There's only a few days left in the month, so there's not much time left to donate if you were putting it off to the end of the month. Please go to http://www.mentalhealthcartoons.com/ to donate.


Past cartoons

May 1: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon.html
May 2: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-2.html
May 3: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-3.html
May 4: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-4.html
May 5: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-5-this-one-is-so-me.html
May 6-8: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-days-6-8.html
May 9: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-9.html
May 10-12: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-days-10-12.html
May 13: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-13.html
May 14: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-14.html
May 15: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-15-borderline-barney.html
May 16: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-16.html
May 17: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-17.html
May 18: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-18.html
May 19: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-19.html
May 20-26: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-days-20-26.html


I have gum disease

The last several weeks I've been having problems with my teeth. Basically my entire mouth has been hurting like hell. I'm 27, and I've never had any real problems with my teeth. I've never even had a cavity, so when the pain kept getting worse each day during the last few weeks, I got afraid that I had my first cavity or that I had wisdom teeth coming in.

I broke down and went to a dentist today. They did tons of x-rays, which was difficult because apparently I have a tiny mouth (the x-ray person, the dentist, and the hygienist all told me that). The dentist couldn't find any cavities, and he said the two wisdom teeth I have are so far up into my bone (whatever that means) that they probably won't ever cause me problems.

What they did find is gum disease. They couldn't give me an explanation of why I would have it. I brush at least four times a day, and apparently my teeth are in great condition.

This afternoon I was doing some research into gum disease, and I found out that it can be a side effect of anti-seizure medications. I never knew that, so I never thought to mention to the dentist that I've taken them for years. Since I'm not currently on one, I didn't even write anything on the paperwork about them. I wish I would've known about that side effect so I could've said something.

It is well beyond the gingivitis stage and is far into the periodontal disease stage. Apparently, we've caught it early enough that it hasn't infected my bone structure, so that's definitely good, but it was barely in time.

I have to go back in next Wednesday and get a scaling and root planing on one half of my mouth, followed by the other half the next week.

It all pisses me off completely. This is because of a side effect of a medicine. That's pretty fucked up, seriously fucked up. Side effects of medicine are often worse than the problem they're supposed to treat.


I'm boycotting sex


I'm on a "fast" from sexual activity for 100 days, starting back at the end of April and ending on the Fourth of July.

I've written about the fast on Twitter, Myspace, and Facebook. I haven't written about it in the blog yet because I was waiting until I could get up the mental clarity to talk about the breakdown I had at the end of April, but even though it's been a month since the breakdown, I still can't find the words. The fast is a result of the breakdown, so I don't really think I should talk about the result of the breakdown without talking about what made me breakdown in the first place. I promise that I'll write about the breakdown itself as soon as I can.

On April 24, the day after the breakdown, I said this to a coworker: "Sex always causes all sorts of issues in my life." Jokingly she said I should go on a fast from sex to cleanse myself of the sex-related problems. Instead of taking it as just a joke, I took the idea very seriously. I later mentioned it to another coworker who said that I should go until the Fourth of July without sex, which just happened to be 100 days from the day I last had sex. The fast includes abstaining from all sexual activity with other people.

I've had a wide mix of reactions to the fast. Most of the women I've told have been very supportive. They've all just told me to make sure I keep a stock of fresh batteries. HAHA. All but one of the men have not been supportive, mostly I'm sure because that means they won't be getting any sex from me any time soon.

I've been hit on by so many men because of the fast. About 5 minutes after I first posted a message on Twitter about it, I had a guy send me a message saying that he wanted to be the person I broke the fast with after the 100 days. He said he'd write me a love letter every single day for the 100 days if I promised to let him be the first one I sleep with after the fast is over. How sick is that?

I'm constantly getting hit on by a former coworker now. We hadn't spoken in a few years, until I posted a status about the fast on Facebook. He immediately started making all sorts of sex-related comments through the Facebook chat, and he hasn't given up for a month.

Most people kept saying that they didn't figure I'd make it without sex for more than one week. Apparently, I am such a sexual person that no one thinks I can live without it, and no one believes that I went 2 1/2 months from Christmas until March without it. It really sucks when your best friends all think you're such a hoe that you can't control your sexual urges. So I'm quite proud of the fact that I've went over a month now.

Another thing that sucks is that all anyone wants to talk to me about anymore is sex. Sex, sex, sex... that's all I hear every day. My best friend won't talk about anything else anymore. I try to change the subject and she always changes it back to sex.


Cartoon-a-thon Days 20-26

I'm so far behind on posting the cartoons for the Mental Health Humor Cartoon-A-Thon. I haven't really had any motivation to do anything for the last week, so I haven't even been able to get myself to post the cartoons. Well here's the ones I've missed, starting with yesterday's which I really love. Click on the thumbnails to see the full versions, and then go to http://www.mentalhealthcartoons.com/ to donate before the end of the month.







Past cartoons

May 1: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon.html
May 2: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-2.html
May 3: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-3.html
May 4: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-4.html
May 5: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-5-this-one-is-so-me.html
May 6-8: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-days-6-8.html
May 9: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-9.html
May 10-12: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-days-10-12.html
May 13: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-13.html
May 14: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-14.html
May 15: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-15-borderline-barney.html
May 16: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-16.html
May 17: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-17.html
May 18: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-18.html
May 19: http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2009/05/cartoon-thon-day-19.html


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

'It's all right to fall apart'

I was just roaming around on Tumblr and found this quote/image. I love it so much ...



EDITED TO ADD: Thanks to a comment from veritoss, I found out that the quote comes from this song ...



Saturday, May 23, 2009

how my depression looks ... part 2

I found more photos online today that accurately show how I'm feeling lately....




















(P.S. If you click the images, you'll get a much larger version.)


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