10 Guilty Pleasures on TV

I can tell I'm bored and can't think of things to write when I keep doing memes all the time. This one comes from Ten on Tuesday.

Here are my 10 guilty pleasures on TV:

1) "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" on the ABC Family Channel - It's about 15- and 16-year-olds, so to a 27-year-old, the show is definitely a guilty pleasure. I can't get enough of the cheesy teen drama.

2) "Greek" on the ABC Family Channel - This one isn't quite as bad as "Secret Life," but it's close. It's about college students. My younger brother actually got me hooked on "Greek," and now he laughs at me because I'm more hooked than he is.

3) "One Tree Hill" on the CW - Anything that has Chad Michael Murray (sometimes shirtless) is a guilty pleasure.

4) "90210" on the CW - I never watched the original show until it was in syndication but fell in love with it when the SoapNet started playing old episodes. I love watching Jenni Garth on the new version.

5) "Grey's Anatomy" on ABC - I live for the love scenes. I can't help it. Everyone is so good-looking... I'm still miffed about them killing off George though and keeping Izzie.

6) "Desperate Housewives" on ABC/Lifetime - Lifetime plays back-to-back old episodes of it each weekday afternoon. I sometimes plan my day around when the reruns are on. I also live for Gabby's steamy love scenes on this show.

7) "What I Like About You" on ABC Family - I loved this show when it was originally on years ago, but now that the Family channel is playing old episodes five days a week, I love it anymore. Jenni Garth, Amanda Bynes, and Leslie Grossman crack me up in every episode.

8) "Reba" on Lifetime - Reba McEntire is a fellow Oklahoman, so I always try to support her career (I met her many years ago because she grew up with one of my high school teachers). I watch "Reba" now almost every day on Lifetime. I find that some nights of the week it's the best thing on.

9) "Full House" on ABC Family - If you can't tell, I watch the Family channel and Lifetime all the time. I watch way too much "Full House" now that the Family channel plays four or more episodes a day.

10) "Dollhouse" on Fox - I've had a strong attraction to Eliza Dushku since she first burst onto "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" as Faith. I love watching her on "Dollhouse" because she's often in skimpy outfits and in physical fights.... oh and I actually like the storyline too.

Moments that take our breath away....

A while back I wrote about how I don't believe in coincidences and about how a specific quote had to mean something specific to my life.... (read the blog entry here).

Last night after work, I was feeling kind of crappy and was trying to take my mind off my life issues, and I picked up Sunday's ad for Kohl's. I never look at the Kohl's ad, but it was in the stack of newspaper ads that I grabbed on my way out of the office Friday night.

As I was flipping through the ad, I spotted the same quote yet again in a small photo (see above): "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." It's popped up a few other times in various places since that previous blog entry. I really think God and/or fate is trying to tell me something through this quote.

Maybe instead of striving for so-called happiness, I should just be looking for those special moments that take my breath away...

Fatalistic teens

Surprising number of teens think they'll die young

By the associated press

CHICAGO (AP) — A surprising number of teenagers — nearly 15 percent — think they're going to die young, leading many to drug use, suicide attempts and other unsafe behavior, new research suggests.

The study, based on a survey of more than 20,000 kids, challenges conventional wisdom that says teens engage in risky behavior because they think they're invulnerable to harm. Instead, a sizable number of teens may take chances “because they feel hopeless and figure that not much is at stake,” said study author Dr. Iris Borowsky, a researcher at the University of Minnesota.

That behavior threatens to turn their fatalism into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Over seven years, kids who thought they would die early were seven time more likely than optimistic kids to be subsequently diagnosed with AIDS. They also were more likely to attempt suicide and get in fights resulting in serious injuries.

Borowsky said the magnitude of kids with a negative outlook was eye-opening.

Adolescence is “a time of great opportunity and for such a large minority of youth to feel like they don't have a long life ahead of them was surprising,” she said.

The study suggests a new way doctors could detect kids likely to engage in unsafe behavior and potentially help prevent it, said Dr. Jonathan Klein, a University of Rochester adolescent health expert who was not involved in the research.

“Asking about this sense of fatalism is probably a pretty important component of one of the ways we can figure out who those kids at greater risk are,” he said.

The study appears in the July issue of Pediatrics, released Monday.

Scientists once widely believed that teenagers take risks because they underestimate bad consequences and figure “it can't happen to me,” the study authors say. The new research bolsters evidence refuting that thinking.

Cornell University professor Valerie Reyna said the new study presents “an even stronger case against the invulnerability idea.”

“It's extremely important to talk about how perception of risk influences risk-taking behavior,” said Reyna, who has done similar research.

Fatalistic kids weren't more likely than others to die during the seven-year study; there were relatively few deaths, 94 out of more than 20,000 teens.

The researchers analyzed data from a nationally representative survey of kids in grades 7 to 12 who were interviewed three times between 1995 and 2002. Of 20,594 teens interviewed in the first round, 14.7 percent said they thought they had a good chance of dying before age 35. Subsequent interviews found these fatalistic kids engaged in more risky behavior than more optimistic kids.

The study suggests some kids overestimate their risks for harm; however, it also provides evidence that some kids may have good reason for being fatalistic.

Native Americans, blacks and low-income teens — kids who are disproportionately exposed to violence and hardship — were much more likely than whites to believe they'd die young.

R.I.P. Billy Mays

I'm very saddened by the news that Billy Mays was found dead this morning at his home. There's been several celebrity deaths lately, but none of them really saddened me much, but I've been a big fan of Billy for a long time and his death has thrown me for a loop.

During my first year of college, my roommate and I both suffered from extreme insomnia and would stay up all night every night watching infomercials. We'd watch the same ones over and over again mainly because there was nothing else on TV at 3 a.m. and because we were so broke we couldn't afford to go party. Watching infomercials became our favorite hobby, even spilling over into the daytime. My roommate even became very good at imitating the infomercial hosts.

So naturally, I became amazed by Billy Mays immediately after I started seeing him in commercials. He was fascinating to me. I always thought he would make an awesome father. (He was the same age as my mom, so that wasn't a stretch at all). My own father was so abusive and an asshole that I used to wish all sorts of people were actually my father, but Billy was the main one I wished was. That got even worse when my younger brother and my mom became big fans of Billy. My mom once said that she had a little crush on him, so that just made me think about him as my dad even more.

I started dreaming about Billy being my father every time I saw an OxiClean commercial right before I fell asleep. In the dreams, either my mom would reveal to me that she had cheated on my dad and that Billy was actually my biological father, or that my mom would meet Billy sometime when she was on vacation now and they'd fall in love, get married, and he'd become my new stepfather. Either way, I'd have this new great father who loved me and wasn't abusive toward me.

So you can see why I'm so sad about his passing... RIP Billy Mays.

My gums aren't healing

I had my second round of dental work on Thursday. She looked at the right side of my mouth which she worked on last time, and she got really worried. Apparently it hasn't healed up much at all. After a few weeks, she had expected it to be almost all healed, but it isn't. She had to do some extra work on that side on Thursday, which she shouldn't have had to do.

There were three teeth on the right side that had started hurting again, and I had her look at them and see why there'd be pain coming from them. She said that their gums had receded so much that the teeth's roots were partially exposed, so every time there was a slight temperature change in my mouth, they'd probably hurt. She recommended that I start brushing with Sensodyne, which I'm really not happy about. I have always used a gel-type toothpaste because I don't like normal toothpaste, but I could not find a Sensodyne gel. I really can't stand the pasty-type consistency. Plus, I don't like the taste of mint, so I'm really picky about which dental products that I can stand. I have used a specific type of gel for years because the mint flavor is very subtle, but now I have to switch brands and types. I will do it because I have to, but I'm not happy about it.

She also gave me a bottle of prescription mouthwash to use until it runs out to promote healing. It is horrible tasting. I'm not sure what's worse... using it or gargling with salt water (I hate the taste of salt). I'm supposed to gargle salt water for a few days after each of the procedures.

She didn't seem to have as much trouble doing the left side on Thursday as she did on the right side a few weeks ago. I don't think the left side was as bad. She got me more numb than last time, or maybe it was just the 4 pills of Tylenol that I took before I went that made me feel less pain. It still hurt like hell when she was doing the stuff really deep in the gums. She only gagged me with the rinsing liquid twice this time instead of about 10 times like the first time.

I have to go back in about 6 weeks so she can see how I've healed up to that point. If I'm not more healed by then, she said we'd have to decide what to do from this point. She didn't really explain what we'd have to do if I wasn't healed. I'm praying that I heal right.

Yes, I googled

A few nights ago I was talking to my so-called best friend on the phone and she was telling me about how her boyfriend's mother supposedly found his photo and name on a profile on an "alternative lifestyle" website. Long story short, he claims that someone stole his photo and name and made a profile on the website -- If you can't tell, I don't really buy the story that someone did something like that without his knowledge.

Anyways, I started searching on google for this so-called profile, and after an hour, I still couldn't find it. When I put his name and the word "sex" into google, however, there was a link to his Facebook page. I searched for every possible alternative lifestyle and fetish that I could think of, and nothing ever came up.

I think she called me in part to accuse me of doing it. Apparently I'm such a bitch that I'd take her boyfriend's photo and make a fake profile on some alternative lifestyle website under his name. I have done that kind of thing once in the past, but that was an ex-boyfriend of my own that I wanted to get revenge on. I wouldn't do that to some random person who's involved with someone I know.

And why was his super-conservative mom supposedly looking at alternative lifestyle websites anyway???

While I was in the middle of googling him, my older brother started talking to me on yahoo messenger. He hasn't done that in probably 6 years, so it was weird. I had emailed him the photos of the new puppy, so he got on messenger to ask me some questions about the dog. I decided to google my brother, which I hadn't done in a long time. It turns out that my brother now has a website that's like a virtual resume for his acting and marketing careers and he also has a baseball-related blog. I didn't know about either website.

His resume site is so stupid. He not only has his physical address on it, he has a virtual signature. It's easy enough for identity theives to steal your identity without you putting your actual signature as a graphic on the internet. Frankly, I could save the signature and use his social security number to forge credit card applications and buy all sorts of things now if I wanted to... but of course I'd never do that.

Note: That image above was from the movie "Confessions of a Shopaholic," which I really loved. I watched it two nights ago and found it to be quite interesting. I had heard from several people who had read the book before seeing the movie that the film was bad. Of course, I haven't read the book, so maybe that's why I like it.

Sunday stealing - a day early this week

Sunday Stealing: Another ABC Meme

A – An advantage you have – I have no real secrets

B – Blue or brown eyes – Brown

C – Chore you hate – All of them... especially mowing

D – Dad’s name – I call him asshole

E – Essential start of your day – Brushing teeth

F – Favorite color – White

G – Greatest thing you’ve ever done that made you feel really good – Adopting my dogs

H – Habit you have – Fingernail biting

I – Issue you hate that the world tries to make you pursue – I had how the world is so obsessed with marriage. I think marriage is total B.S.

J – Job title – Page designer and copy editor

K – Kohls or Target – Hard to answer... Kohls has better clothes, but Target has a lot of cool other things

L – Living arrangements – Alone with 2 dogs in a 3-bedroom house

M – Music you like – Pretty much anything other than opera and disco

N - Nicknames – My brother used to call me "Jennafuffer" and "Genie Wienie" ... An ex-coworker called me "J-Dubb"

O – Overnight hospital stay – Never stayed overnight at a hospital

P – Pet Peeve – So many ... stupid people, bad drivers, men hitting on me, people saying "What's up?" every five seconds on instant messenger

Q – Quote that you like most – "I excel at not giving a shit" from the pilot episode of the TV show Dead Like Me

R – Right or left handed – Very very right handed. Can't do much of anything with my left

S – Siblings – Older brother who I don't really get along with and a younger brother who is one of my best friends

T – Time you wake up – Normally around noon

U – Underwear – That depends on if someone else is going to see them....

V – Vegetable you dislike – Olives, avocado, onions, sweet pickles, cucumbers, turnips, jalapenos, sweet potatoes, okra, radishes, peas, squash, eggplant, beets, brussel sprouts, green beans, snow peas, cabbage ... just to name a few

W – What makes you run late – Pearlz not wanting to come in the house for me to put her in her crate

X – X-rays you’ve had – Teeth/gums, foot/ankle, hip ... then I've had ultrasounds too

Y – Yummy food you make – I can make all sorts of yummy casseroles, just give me chicken or beef, a couple cans of soups, and rice or pasta, and I can come up with something great

Z – Zoo animal – I love zebras, koalas, kangaroos, and giraffes, but I think my favorite are cute baby monkeys

Puppy pics !!!!

My mom had her sister take some photos of the new puppy and email them to me. They decided on the name Rowdy because he's a hyper little dog. I am hoping to go up there next week on my days off to meet the little guy, and I'll be taking some photos/videos myself.

Look at the super-cute little spots on his belly !

yet another meme

Stole this one from Dina at http://sizewhatagain.blogspot.com/2009/06/mememememe.html. I was supposed to tag people, but I don't feel like bothering with that. If you read this and want to do it, I'm sure you'd do it without being tagged, so have at it if you want.

What is your current obsession? My photo blog.

What are you wearing today? At the moment, I'm wearing a professional-type brown tank top with black pants, black socks, no shoes. It's late at night after work, so I'm still wearing bits of my work clothes.

What’s for dinner? I just ate tortillas with melted cheese

What’s the last thing you bought? The aforementioned cheese at Walmart after work

What are you listening to right now? I'm watching the season premiere of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" and Oreo's chewing on something really loud behind the couch

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? My mom's house to play with the new puppy

Which language do you want to learn? Dog

What do you love most about where you currently live? My backyard, but I hate the bushes and I hate mowing

What is your favorite color? White, the color of purity

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe? My bras that push up my boobs enough that I have nice cleavage

Describe your personal style? Comfortable

If you had $300 now, what would you spend it on? A new puppy of my own

What are you going to do after this? Finish watching "Secret Life" and go to sleep

Your favorite smell? Cinnamon rolls

Do you collect anything? Right now, I'm collecting small ceramic shoes and jewelry stands

What makes you follow a blog? I follow pretty much any mental health blog and then anything else that has something that looks cool

Do you like to comment on blogs or just lurk? I mostly just lurk, but I comment whenever I'm compelled to

What’s one thing you dream of doing? Going back to college and becoming a mental health counselor

What is your biggest regret? Getting married

What is your favorite thing to do on a rainy day? Sleep

Do you have a tattoo? Not yet, maybe never

What are your favorite books? "Prozac Nation," "Girl Interrupted," "The Gift of Fear," "The Virgin Suicides"

Are you left handed, right handed, ambidextrous, or a little of both? Totally right handed, can't really do anything with my left hand

New member of the family

On Sunday, Oreo and Pearlz got a new baby cousin. My brother and mom adopted a 3-month-old Jack Russell puppy. I haven't seen a photo, but it sounds like a horribly cute little dog. They haven't named it yet, so I can't even report a name to you guys, but we're all happy and excited about the new addition to the family.

My mom said he's about the size of Pearlz right now, meaning he's probably about 5 pounds. He's mostly white with spots, and he's got a big spot over one of his eyes. His pudgy little belly has tons of spots.

Apparently Paws reacted very well to the puppy and kept following him all over the house trying to play with it, but the puppy kept acting a little scared of Paws and kept trying to hide.

My brother gave the puppy a water-only bath because they spotted a couple fleas on it. I guess it whined a little and acted like it didn't like the bath, but later it walked into the bathroom and was trying to climb back into the tub.

I can't wait to see what Oreo and Pearlz do when they see the puppy for the first time. Pearlz and Paws are lovebirds, and I wonder if the puppy will now try to compete for her attention, and I beat Oreo will want to play non-stop with it.

I'm going to guess that this puppy that I found online looks like our new puppy. As soon as I get a real photo of him, I'll post it ASAP so you guys can "oooh" and "ahhh."

BPD video

Love Is The Cure has just posted official advertisement on YouTube for the LITC Posterchild BPD Awareness campaign, which begins this fall.

It's an interesting video showing one life that borderline has affected greatly, but it shows that people can have success in life while suffering from the disorder. I really like it.

Watch it below, and then you can check out LITC's channel on YouTube by clicking here.

Sunday stealing

Sunday Stealing: The Finish The Sentence Meme

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss... was a really great doggie kiss from Oreo and was better than kissing a man

2. I am listening to... Lindsay Lohan music. (It's the "LiLo" section of my music player)

3. I talk... about sex way too much

4. I love... Muenster cheese

5. My best friend/s... are my mom, younger brother, and our dogs

6. My first real kiss... was behind my church during a Christmas party. We snuck off to "exchange gifts," but in reality we just wanted to make out

7. Love is... a horrible emotion that should be avoided at all costs

8. Marriage is... a horrible prison that should be avoided at all costs

9. Somewhere, someone is thinking... how stupid this meme is

10. I'll always... drink soda no matter how much my doctors/dentist tell me not to

11. The last time I really cried was because... my teeth/gums hurt horribly bad (probably in part because the aforementioned soda, but mostly gum disease)

12. My cell phone... sucks. I need a new one, but I can't upgrade yet

13. When I wake up in the morning... I want to go right back to sleep

14. Before I go to bed... I have to check all my email accounts at least one more time before shutting down the laptop

15. Right now I am thinking about... how bad my stomach feels after a late lunch of McDonalds and an early dinner of pizza

16. Babies are... stinky

17. I get on Myspace... not as much anymore as I used to. I'm more into Facebook now

18. Today I... about died from heat exhaustion. 100-degree days suck

19. Tomorrow I will be... dreading work until 3:30 p.m. when I go to the office

20. I really want to be... a rock star. (just kidding)

My fears

A friend posted this on Facebook, and I thought I'd give it a try...


If you get more than 30, get some counseling.
If you get more than 20, you’re paranoid.
If you get 11-20, you are normal.
If you get 10 or less, you’re fearless.


I fear ...

[ ] black people (I wasn't sure if I should mark this or not. I'm scared of some blacks, but I'm also scared of some whites, some Asians, some Indians, etc...)
[ ] the dark
[ ] staying single forever
[ ] being a parent
[x] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[x] closed spaces
[x] heights
[ ] dogs
[ ] birds
[ ] fish
[x] spiders
[ ] flowers or other plants
Total so far: 4

[x] being touched
[x] fire
[x] deep deep water
[x] snakes
[ ] silk
[ ] the ocean
[x] failure
[ ] success
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends dad
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends mom
[ ] rats
[x] jumping from high places
[ ] snow
Total so far: 10

[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[x] crossing hanging bridges
[ ] death
[ ] heaven
[x] being robbed/mugged
[x] falling off a cliff
[x] clowns
[ ] dolls
[ ] large crowds of people
[ ] men (Again, I'm scared of some men, but not all men ...)
[ ] women
[x] having great responsibilities
[ ] doctors
[ ] tornadoes
Total so far: 15

[ ] hurricanes
[ ] incurable diseases
[x] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[ ] scary movies
[x] poverty
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[ ] being alone
[ ] becoming blind
[ ] becoming deaf
[x] growing up, old
Total so far: 18

[x] creepy noises in the night
[x] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[x] needles
[ ] blood

Grand Total: 21


I guess I'm paranoid...

Q&A

I stole this from Karen who stole it from Barbara... (yes, I'm bored right now)


Answer Yes or No

Q: Kissed someone on your friends list? Yes, I think I've kissed (if not more) at least one friend on all my friend's lists
Q: Been arrested? No. I'd like to say that's because I'm a good girl, but in reality, it's just because I'm good at not getting caught
Q: Do you like someone? I don't like anyone at the moment. I'm on a "I hate everyone" kick.
Q: Held a snake? Once. It was small but kept squeezing my hands. It hurt
Q: Been suspended from school? no
Q: Sang karaoke? no, never ever will
Q: Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do? Of course
Q: Laughed until you started crying? All the time
Q: Caught a snowflake on your tongue? yep
Q: Kissed in the rain? Not that I can remember
Q: Sang in the shower? No
Q: Sat on a roof top? No
Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No, but I jumped in a pool fully clothed once on purpose on a church field trip. ... And then there was the one time at a hotel pool, but that's a whole different story...
Q: Broken a bone? No
Q: Shaved your head? No
Q: Played a prank on someone? Yes, all the time in high school. We used to prank our math teacher all the time. She was easy to prank
Q: Shot a gun? Water gun
Q: Donated Blood? No, I can't donate

tips to control stress eating

8 ways to stop stress food from weighing you down in a tough economy

By the Associated Press

• Recognize that being stressed is normal, said Edward Abramson, a psychologist in Lafayette, Calif., and author of “Emotional Eating.” Talk about the stress with family and friends.
• Know that the economy is out of your hands, said Martin Binks, director of behavioral health and research at the Duke Diet & Fitness Center. Focus on what you can control.
• Find healthier ways to soothe yourself. Some people go for a walk. Others work on a hobby. Listen to your favorite music or read something not work related, said Linda Hlivka, co-author of “Stress Eater Diet.”
• If you are at home because of a layoff, make sure you are not eating in front of the television or computer, said Leslie Seppinni, a psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, Calif. “Eat at the table at the times you are supposed to eat.”
• Don't make food your social outlet, Seppinni said. Meet friends at a park or go see a movie.
• Substitute healthier food for the bad stuff, Hlivka said. If you need to eat something crunchy, try carrot sticks.
• If you feel a craving coming on, practice deep breathing, Hlivka said. Once you slow down your breathing, your blood pressure will drop and you will decrease production of stress hormones.
• Don't deprive yourself. Sometimes the answer is a little bit of ice cream, Binks said.

NOTE FROM JENNIFER -- A little bit of ice cream is ALWAYS the answer

Is Mandy borderline?

There's been some talk in the last week on Twitter about if Mandy Moore is suffering from an "undiagnosed borderline personality disorder." I think most of the comments are stemming from a single disgruntled fan who is upset about the new direction Mandy is taking with her music.

I was immediately shocked that anyone would suggest that Mandy is borderline. I've been following Mandy's career and personal life for about 10 years, and I have not really seen any behaviors that say borderline to me. The disgruntled fan claims that Mandy has problems with unstable relationships, anger, and reckless behaviors. I've just never seen any of those problems.

There's been a couple interviews in the past during which Mandy has talked about problems with depression, but she's never been known to party heavily or sleep around like other young celebrities.

She has had a long string of relationships over the years, but they've never really seemed to unstable to me. She's like a serial monogamist. I've never even heard reports about her cheating on a boyfriend.

We all know that a person's appearance to the public is much different than how they are in private life, but in today's society, it is near impossible for celebrities to have a totally private life. I just can't imagine she could hide a bunch of borderline-type behaviors from the paparazzi. I'd say she could be bipolar due to the problems with depression, but not borderline.

What do you guys think? Have you ever heard anything about Mandy I haven't?

Why I'm glad I don't talk to my father

Father's Day is Sunday, and every year I always feel depressed because I don't have a loving, caring wonderful father that I am close to. This year, I've decided to take a more humorous look at why I'm thankful I don't talk to my father.

1 - Don't have to spend money on a stupid Father's Day gift

2 - Don't have to listen to his "back when I was a kid" stories anymore

3 - No more listening to him choke on water

4 - No more finding transgender porn saved on the computer

5 - Don't have to listen to him screaming at my mother

6 - No more dirty men's underwear with large brown stains left on the couch

7 - Don't have to see him walk around in just the aforementioned gross underwear

8 - No more getting spit on when he yelled in my face

9 - No more getting slapped/hit when I said something he didn't like

10 - Don't have to eat at skanky buffet-type restaurants (not all buffet restaurants are gross, but he always chose the dirty ones)

11 - I can now eat boiled shrimp without hearing "Yuck, they look like grubs"

12 - No more smelling burnt popcorn at home (people burn it at the office occasionally, but I can deal with that)

13 - No being forced to say "I love you dad" when I don't mean it at all

14 - Don't have to get scared anymore when he's driving and goes way far left of the center line into the other lane of traffic

15 - No more being forced to watch Star Trek when I want to watch a sitcom

16 - No more finding porn magazines under the bathroom sink

17 - Don't have to mow the lawn anymore just to have him lie to my mom saying he did it, taking all the credit for my work

18 - Never have to smell burned bologna again (he'd try to warm it up in a pan on the stove and would somehow burn it)

19 - Don't ever have to clean the kitchen after he cooked and dirtied up all the pans, dishes, and counters since he refused to clean up his own messes

20 - Don't miss sleep because of his loud snoring in the next room

I really hate mixed episodes

I've been stuck in this near-constant state of a mixed episode since December, and it's really driving me crazy (or crazier).

I have been mostly depressed, but my mind is manic almost all the time. I hate the racing thoughts. I feel like I have to be constantly busy so my thoughts don't go wild, but I'm so depressed overall that I can't find the motivation to actually do something to keep myself busy. So in the end, I end up feeling like this picture... the world (and my body) is standing still while my head is bouncing off the walls.

I'd rather be fully manic or fully depressed than be in a mixed episode, at least full mania or full depression makes sense. It sounds so messed up to say this, but I'm praying I'll slip into a true depression just so I can rid myself of the racing thoughts.

Thoughts in my head, Part 2

Here's some more random thoughts in my head right now...

THOUGHT #7: "I found heaven. It's a fake kitchen"

People are always asking me if mystery shopping makes much money. In reality it doesn't. Most shopping assignments pay between $5 and $12, so you have to do a lot of them to make any real money. If I find one that pays $15, I always think "SCORE!" The main value in mystery shopping is that it can lead to other things, like marketing consultant work and merchandising.

Yesterday I did what is called a merchandising audit at a warehouse-type home building supply company. It sells kitchen appliances and home lighting. A major appliance company sent me to the store to check on how the store is displaying its products. It paid $20 and didn't take over 30 minutes, so it made me quite happy.

While I was in the store and was roaming around to find the products that I was supposed to evaluate, I walked into a model kitchen with Sub Zero appliances (not the brand I was there for). When I walked into the room, I felt like a kid walking into a candy store. It was so beautiful. I couldn't believe my eyes. I'm sure my mouth dropped open and my eyes opened as wide as humanly possible.

If I was to buy all the appliances in the model kitchen, I'm sure it would cost more than my car. I went from one appliance to the next staring at them in awe. I had never heard of a warming drawer before I did the assignment, but I have to have one now.

There was a huge fridge/freezer that I could literally climb in and sit comfortably in. I stood there stroking the fridge's door handle. I stopped short of actually hugging it, but I really wanted to do it. I'd never really need that big of a fridge because frankly my current fridge is never even half full. It always just has bottled water, a few sodas, sandwich meat, cheese, and some condiments. That's it. So I'd never ever need a giant Sub Zero fridge, but this small-town Oklahoma girl can dream...

THOUGHT #8: "Who really needs a 5-car garage?"

Right before I went to that audit assignment, I drove by a fancy gated community that had signs advertising a neighborhood wide garage sale. Normally you can't get into the neighborhood without checking in with the guard at the gate and knowing a code, but for the garage sale, they had the gate open so you could come and go as you please. I just had to go explore.

I drove up and down each street looking at these homes that I'd never step foot in unless I win the lottery, marry a rich old guy, or become a housekeeper. Most of the homes were three stories tall and massive. I come from a small town where the "rich" people are the ones that live in homes with values around $100,000. These houses were almost million dollar homes.

One home I saw had a five-car garage -- two 2-car doors and a single-car door. What family really needs that? I can't imagine being in a family that could afford five cars.

While I was at work yesterday, some of my Twitter friends decided several of us needed to buy a house together and become roommates. We were talking about how "mental" the situation would be. One of them asked a funny question, "Could we get a grant for starting our own loony bin, to buy us a house?"

It would be interesting to have a home full of bipolars/borderline and see what craziness (pun intended) would ensue. There'd be all sorts of drama. It would be like "The Real World: Mental Edition."

THOUGHT #9: "I am at least a little girly"


I took this quiz on Facebook last night and it said that I'm 0% girly and apparently seems to think I'm "all man." I like to claim that I'm not a girl, but I am at least a little bit of a girl.

Whomever makes these Facebook quizzes are stupid.... flat out stupid.

THOUGHT #10: "I hate to-do lists"

One thing therapists and friends tell me all the time is that I should make to-do lists for myself because 1) it will help me organize and get things done and 2) it will help my self-esteem because it will give me a sense of accomplishment.

Well, I think that's complete B.S. Yes, to-do lists are helpful to some people, but not me. I'll make a list of the things I "need" to do or "should" do, and if I don't get every single thing on the list done in one day, I feel like a failure. Maybe I should only include the things I have to do no matter what and not write down what I should do and that way I don't feel bad when I don't get the "shoulds" done.

Someone posted the to-do notepad below on Tumblr the other day, but it didn't have a link to where you can buy it. I think maybe this would be helpful for me. If I can come up with a single thing that I have to do each day and actually do it, I might actually feel the accomplishment feeling everyone always talks about.


THOUGHT #11: "I think the water is killing them"

Several months ago the city officials in my hometown announced that the town's water supply was not safe for consumption. Ever since, the town's residents have been told to boil any water they use.

Since the announcement, there's been an average of one death in the town each week. In a small town of only 1,200 people, you really notice when people start dropped dead one after another.

When I read the daily obituaries at work, I automatically call my mom if someone from back home is listed. Now every day I call around 6 p.m., she answers the phone by saying, "Who died?" instead of even saying hello. My mom is convinced that the water is killing everyone, and I am starting to believe that too. She keeps saying that she's hoping that my father and/or his wife will fall victim to the poisonous water also.

THOUGHT #12: "Sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words"


The other day when I was doing my daily photo browsing, I stumbled across that relatively simple photo. Most non-borderline people wouldn't think too much of it, but it automatically caught my eye. It really speaks to me and has a powerful message despite its simplicity.

"I hate you, don't leave me" is widely known as a borderline mentality. Frankly, I think it's the hardest part of being borderline. I hate being so indecisive about my relationships. If it wasn't for that aspect of borderline, I wouldn't have stayed with my ex-husband for so long.

To me the photo says that a borderline is fighting with her partner and sits down to write an angry letter telling the partner off, but the "don't leave me" feeling comes in and she starts crying and can't finish the angry letter. Her tears drip down on the paper and she drops the pen as she starts to break down completely. Then she goes running right back into the partner's arms. Been there, done that so many times.

New online BPD magazine

Lauren Maynard of the New Hampshire Borderline Personality Disorder Association has created an online BPD magazine. It looks like it could turn into something really neat. Look at it here: http://www.openzine.com/borderlinepersonalitydisorder

Lauren also has her own blog at http://otbdiary.blogspot.com/ called On The Borderline that I love to read. She's quite the inspiration to me since she has founded the NHBPDA.

She's included the following message asking for contributions for the magazine:

If you have an article, poem, or blog entry about BPD that you'd like me to put in the magazine, feel free to email it to nhbpdainfo@gmail.com. Send me as many pieces of your writing as you'd like! Or, if you know any good BPD websites, send me the links! Anything BPD related is welcome, including pictures, artwork, and videos (as long as they're created by you).

If you have something to contribute, please help.

thoughts in my head

There's about a million thoughts swirling around in my head. I keep wanting to blog about them, but I can't get them straightened out enough to type them up.

I'd like to be able to put all my thoughts into an invisible box and forget about them, or as the graphic to the right says... just delete them from my brain altogether.

Of course, we all know that's not possible, so here I go trying to get them out of my head and onto the computer screen. These are just a few of the things in my head at this moment in time:

THOUGHT #1: "Yes, I am a Christian"

I don't normally talk about my religious beliefs because I don't like when people try to push their religion on me so I don't do that to others. Plus, whenever I do talk about how I'm a Christian, I get mean comments from a "God hates fags" type person who says you can't be bisexual/gay and be a Christian.

People often ask me how I find the strength to survive the bad things I've went through in my life. I normally dodge the question because I don't want anyone to think I'm preaching, but it is my faith in God that gets me through my darkest days. When I'm really depressed, I put on some contemporary Christian music, especially Todd Agnew, which helps me feel like I'm not alone.

Something sort of weird happened last week. One of my Twitter friends has recently started a blog called "Grace Like Rain," which is the title to one of Todd Agnew's songs. One day last week I was reading her blog and started wondering where my "Grace Like Rain" CD was (yes Iig actually did pay for his CD). I found it in the CD player in my car. It must have been in there for six months. (I always just listen to the radio). I decided to listen to the song while I was driving between mystery shopping assignments. I put the song on repeat. When I started the song the first time, the sky was only slightly cloudy with a really bright sun. We hadn't had rain in a couple weeks. About half way through the song, a bunch of dark clouds rolled in out of nowhere and rain started pouring by the end of the song.

It was a very spiritual moment for me. How could I not feel amazed when rain suddenly starts as I'm listening to a song with these lyrics: "Grace like rain falls down on me. All my stains are washed away."

THOUGHT #2: "I'm hate men"

I'm so sick of the men in my personal life. I really thought that after being on the fast from sex for a while that the pathetic come-ons would stop, but they haven't. A couple days ago I posted a status on Facebook bitching about how I kept getting hit on by random men on the Internet who find out about my fast. A guy from my hometown responded to my status with a comment about how he thought I was married anyway. I told him that I'm divorced, so he proceeds to HIT ON ME. What a pig!!!!

I called my mom and told her about that guy hitting on me. Her reaction was "ew ew ew EEEEEWWWWWWWWW" (that's a direct quote LOL). She, like me, remembers how gross this guy was.

He gave me his phone number to text him. I ended up texting him tonight basically to provide myself with a little entertainment. My mom and I will get some good laughs out of me messing with his mind.

As I keep telling people on Twitter, "penises only cause trouble for me." I am trying to avoid all men who seem to only think their penises, which is about 90% of the men I know.

I keep wondering what these guys are thinking. Are they thinking: "Wow this girl is such a whore that her friends have to DARE her to go without sex. She's got to be an easy lay." Or maybe they're thinking that I'm probably all sexually frustrated because I've went a while without sex and they think if they can get me to cave that I'll be a major freak in bed.

I assume it will get even worse right after I do break the fast and reveal that I've had sex.

THOUGHT #3: "I need all new friends"

I'm so sick of all my friends, and I'm not just talking about my male friends who keep hitting on me. I have a so-called friend who I often refer to as my "gun-toting tattoo artist friend" who pisses me off every single time I talk to him so I've started ignoring all his messages. When I do talk to him, the conversation is exactly the same every time. It's so pointless and boring, and I'm so sick of hearing about him being horny. The following is an example of our typical conversations on yahoo messenger.

Him: What's up
Me: Nothing really
Him: Oh yea
Me: Yeah
Him: So what do you want to talk about
Me: I dunno
Him: Oh yea
Him: Damn I'm horny
(Long 10-15 minute silence because I refuse to respond to that comment)
Him: So what's up
Me: Nothing
Him: So what's on your mind
Me: I dunno
Him: You don't know what's on your mind
Me: Nope
Him: LOL
Him: Damn I need to get laid
(At this point, I decide to go invisible or not respond to anything else he says for the rest of the day)

That's the conversation we have every day, if I talk to him at all. Occasionally a word changes here or there, but that's the overall gist. Who wouldn't get sick of that? I swear if I hear/see him say "Oh yea" one more time, I may hop in my car, drive 3 hours, and kill him with one of his own guns so I can put myself out of my misery.

I'm also sick of my so-called best friend. She's so damn selfish all the time. I've been severely depressed for a couple months and every single time I call her to talk to her about it, she finds some way to twist the conversation into talk about her. All she wants to talk about is her relationship problems, which normally centers around her sex life. I'll be trying to talk about serious issues, and she'll turn it into something about having sex with her boyfriend. ISN'T MY LIFE IMPORTANT TOO? Seriously? Does she not care at all that I want to kill myself sometimes?

When my on-again/off-again boyfriend J got home last week, you'd think I would've been so happy that I'd want to call my best friend, but no I didn't call her. I didn't talk to her for several days. I am so sick of her that I didn't care to tell her at all.

On the radio the other day, I heard a couple DJs talking about a new research study about friendship that showed that on average people change their circle of friends completely every 7 years. I found that quite interesting and I started thinking about it in depth. My last best friend and I were best friends from the time I was 14 until I was 21, so basically 7 years. My current best friend and I have been friends since late 2002, which is almost 7 years, and now I'm at the point I'm about to say "fuck it" and stop being friends with her. I guess I'm right there on the average according to that study.

THOUGHT #4: "Ouch, ouch, ouch"

My chronic pain is so horrible this week. The last several days I've been having pains all over my body all the time. On Wednesday, it hurt like hell every single time I tried to move. I wanted to cry every time I stood up from the couch. It normally isn't this bad.

I was planning to get myself checked out for fibromyalgia as soon as I get done with my dental work, but I may have to go sooner. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take considering it keeps getting worse.

Luckily, the right side of my mouth, which is the side the dentist has worked on already, is feeling fine, but the left side is hurting worse and worse. Hopefully after I get the left side worked on, my mouth will be fine.

On top of all the other pains, I think I may have gotten a bladder infection this week. I've never had one before, so I'm not sure. But dear God it hurts to pee. I have to pee all the time right now.

THOUGHT #5: "I love my photo blog"

I've had my photo-only blog (http://ajourneythroughimages.blogspot.com) for only a week, but I've already uploaded over a thousand images. The uploading should slow down now. I think I've basically got all the photos uploaded that I had saved. I've had stuff saved at Tumblr, WeHeartIt, ImgFave, Facebook, Myspace, StumbleUpon, and here on this blog. It's nice to have them all in one place now.

I am having some issues figuring out what tags to put on some of the photos, and I could use help with that. I'll see a photo that I love, but I can't really figure out what words to tag it with, so I put some tag on it when I know there's a better way to describe it. So, I ask that anyone who looks at it leave a comment when they think I should add an additional tag to a photo. And don't worry about sticking to the tags I've got on there right now. I have no problem adding more tags to better the organization of the images.

And as I said before, feel free to steal whatever images for your blog/website that you want.

THOUGHT #6: "My love for Mandy may be gone"

The last two CDs that Mandy Moore has released have not pleased me. I used to love her music, but not in the last several years. She has recently released a new CD, which is even worse than the last couple. I have loved her for 9 years, but after hearing "I Could Break Your Heart Any Day of the Week" I was quite disappointed. I saw the video for the song today for the very first time, and I can't stand it. (Go here to view the video yourself)

She's trying to sound all folksy or something. What happened to the Mandy I loved? ... I guess that girl may be gone. I think that girl was replaced with a weird girl who's married to Ryan Adams (yes, I'm still bitter she's married to him).

Introducing my new blog

This week I created a second blog through Blogger. It will contain only photos and graphics I find while browsing the internet.

I've spent a lot of time trying to find the best way to archive the cool images I find online. I've tried Tumblr, WeHeartIt, ImgFave, etc., but none of those websites provide exactly what I want. None of them are very user-friendly. You can't easily search through my pages. I decided to make the Blogger blog because I can tag each item, allowing everyone to be able to click a topic and see all the photos tagged with that topic. Topics include borderline, bipolar, depression, etc.

I've now loaded hundreds of images I already had saved onto the blog. Each one is tagged with at least one topic. There's a list of topics down the right side of the page. Feel free to browse through the images and steal whatever you want for your own blogs/websites. While you're browsing, if you see a photo that you feel should have a specific tag that I didn't think of, please leave a comment and I'll add the tag.

I'm still trying to figure out how I want to do the blog's design, so the layout is very basic right now. Eventually I plan to make it prettier.

Check out the new photo-only blog at: http://ajourneythroughimages.blogspot.com/

An explanation of why I'm so happy

Ok, so before I go into what has made me so happy this week, I need to give you guys an update on my dental issues. I got the first round of the dental work (the right side of my mouth) on Wednesday. It was one of the worst, most painful things I've ever experienced. They could not get my mouth numb really at all. The hygienist kept giving me more and more shots, but they didn't work very well. I finally told her to just do it and I'd just deal with the pain.

It was also horrible because I kept gagging on the rinsing liquid. I have such a small mouth that she could not get the suction tool positioned right to suck up the liquid where it wouldn't be in her way. One of the times I gagged, my tongue moved and hit her hand slightly which lead to the dental tool cutting open my bottom lip.

Three days later, the right side of my mouth is feeling quite a bit better than it did before Wednesday, but it's not healed up enough yet to allow me to eat hard foods. I am still having to eat really soft food.

After all the pain and discomfort at the dentist's office, I really thought Wednesday was going to be a dramatically horrible day, but really late that night I got amazing news. But for me to explain why the news was so great, I have to finally explain why I had my emotional breakdown back in April.

Because I'm borderline, I'm a very needy person when it comes to relationships, so I've always known that I could not handle being in a relationship with someone in the military. Don't get me wrong... I respect people in the military. They risk their lives every day for our freedom, and for that I'm really grateful, but as a borderline, I just can't handle being in love with someone who isn't there when I need him. If I was involved with a soldier who got sent off to war, I'd melt down and would have a hard time surviving it all.

Six and a half years ago when I met my ex-boyfriend "J" (or rather my on-again/off-again boyfriend.... we've never been broken up long enough to really call him a true ex), he had just been honorably discharged from the National Guard for health problems. He's never shared all the details of his time in the Guard, which I'm sure is mainly because he knows I have issues with a partner being in the military. I did not think I'd ever have to worry about J getting sent off for military duty.

Throughout the last 6 1/2 years, J and I have been together off and on more times than I can count. We were even on-again four different times during my nearly 5 year relationship with the now-exhusband. Last year after the last time I broke things off with J and went back to the exhusband, J re-enlisted in the Guard. His medical condition had been resolved. He has never flat out said it, but I'm pretty sure, at least partly, he did it because of me. I gave up a future with him to go back to my abusive husband. He didn't see the possibility of a future with me anymore, so he didn't see that anything was stopping him. He told me about re-enlisting about two months after he did it, but he played it off like he would just be in the reserves and would most likely never get sent off somewhere.

A while back, our relationship (if that's what you want to call it) started up again. Just when things were getting really good, he told me that he was going to get sent off to the east coast for 7 months of training starting in April. He was obviously uphappy about it, and he knew I'd take it badly so he broke the news to me fairly gentle.

In the weeks leading up to his April 21st departure, I was getting more and more depressed. I knew I was on the verge of a complete breakdown. He wanted to see me right before he left. He told me to call me so he could come over before he left. I stupidly thought it would be easier for me to handle it if I didn't see him right before he was going to leave, so I didn't call him. I didn't let him come see me. I just blew him off.

Well I was wrong, so very wrong. On the 21st, right after he left, I started to break down. I wanted to find something to take my mind off of how upset I was. A male friend came over on the 22nd to hang out, and I went all borderline. I acted on the borderline impulsiveness and slept with him. He was just a friend.... someone I considered to be a good friend. Essentially I ruined the friendship to have sex with him just to take my mind off J.

As soon as the friend left my house, I broke down fully. I lost control of my mind. Full-out depression set on. I became suicidal for the first time in almost a year. I hadn't been suicidal since before I went into inpatient treatment last summer, which by the way, was also based around J. I had a break down last summer after I cheated on my husband by sleeping with J a couple times.

I spent about 24 hours freaking out about how I had just let J go off for 7 months without seeing him. I wanted to kill myself to remove myself from the misery. Finally, my mom was able to talk me down over the phone. She talked some sense into me. After all, he was just going through training within the U.S. and wasn't getting sent off to fight in Iraq, so he was going to be back. He wasn't going to be killed in combat.

Ok, so back to why I'm happy... Around midnight on Wednesday, I got an instant message. I clicked over to the messenger window figuring it was my normal porn spam IMs, but it was a message from J. I hadn't heard from him since before he left because he couldn't keep his cellphone during training and he didn't have access to a computer he could chat on. I asked him how he could be online, and he said he was home. I asked, "like home-home?" He said he was back at his parents house because he got hurt and the Guard sent him home. I suddenly started squealing out loud to myself. He hurt his knee, but it's apparently not too bad. It's just too bad for him to continue training.

I feel guilty for being so happy because yes he did get hurt, but he's back!!! He wasn't supposed to be home until November, so he got sent home so early. I didn't tell him how happy I am, but I'm sure he knows. He didn't seem upset about being home so early, so that's good.

He stopped by my house around 2:30 a.m. Thursday to see me for a minute. He was only here for probably 5 minutes, but it was so great to see him. I could've died in his arms when he hugged me.

I'm not sure what's going to happen with us from here. I guess it's going to be a day-by-day thing, but I'm so happy he's home so we can figure things out.

i'm so happy

i'm so happy
i'm so happy
i'm so happy
i'm so happy
i'm so happy
i'm so happy

i just found out something that has made me so happy. i'll explain it sometime soon...

i don't think the fast from sex is going to last much longer... LOL

My very first (sorta) wordless Wednesday