You have no doubt seen or heard the commercials: "Where does depression hurt? EVERYWHERE. Who does depression hurt? EVERYONE." Mental illnesses can consume you, take over your entire life and hurt everyone around you if you let it. I am no exception.
My life feels like I am stuck riding on a rollercoaster in the middle of a hurricane. I have ups and downs, and I have left a path of destruction in my wake. My sanity dangles on a tiny fragile string, and through this blog I am giving the world a look into my broken mind and my unstable life.
In the end, I am just a girl trying to maintain my sanity in a candy-coated world of misery. Here you'll get a glimpse at just how true those commercials are. Keep your arms and legs inside the blog at all times, hold on tight, and prepare yourself for a very bumpy ride ...
Feel free to comment here on the blog or email me at bpdokc@yahoo.com.
My 28th birthday is Thursday. I have an annual tradition of getting as much free food during the week of my birthday as I possibly can by signing up for Internet mailing lists for all the restaurants in the city and its suburbs. It started when I was a poor college student and couldn't afford to eat food outside the college's cafeteria. Now, it's just fun. I've gotten more free food offers this year than ever before, so by the time Thursday comes around, I may be sick from all the overeating, or I may gain 20 pounds, but as my mom says, "you only live once, so you may as well do what you want."
I also try to come up with a fun activity to do every day. Sometimes they're either free or just really cheap. I'm going to post a blog entry every day on what I got to eat for free and what activities I do.
Day 3 (Tuesday) lunch - Chicken quesadilla and chips from a different Moe's. Normally costs about $6.80 but I got it totally free
Day 3 dinner dessert - Chocolate chunk pizookie with two scoops of ice cream at BJ's Brewhouse. Normally costs about $6 and is supposed to feed two people
Day 4 (Wednesday) brunch - Blueberry/strawberry stuffed French toast, 2 scrambled eggs, 3 pieces of bacon, and apple juice at Mimi's Cafe. Normally sells for about $9.70, but I just paid a $2 tip. It was totally yummy
Day 4 (Wednesday) dinner - It had nothing to do with my birthday, but my company bought all of us pizza because of some major changes that took effect today. So I didn't have to buy dinner today either
I've seen a lot of other bloggers post entries listing the best of their tweets on Twitter. I thought I'd do that, so last night I started going through my tweets for the last month. Some of them make me say "what the hell was I thinking." I couldn't stop at just one month. I ended up going clear back to June 1st, and here is my long list of my favorites in no particular order ....
sometimes I can be a really sweet person... shhhh... don't tell anyone
I know im screwed when all my personalities are depressed at once
If my life was a tv show, it would be canceled after 3 episodes
i'm head-over-heels happily in love ... with myself
I plead temporary insanity... only problem is my insanity is permanent
it's raining, it's pouring, my job is boring
i wish i could distract myself from myself
i can't escape the vicious carrots
A prozac a day keeps the voices away
I'm looking for true love ... Psychos need not apply
I'm dreaming of finding my own personal fairytale... Until Prince Charming comes along, I might as well be a nun
forget the rain forest, save yourself
it's a miracle what all i can get done before work when i actually get out of bed before 1 p.m.
shit happens... mostly to me
i'm not a toy u can pick up and play with whenever you want
i'm harmless ... unless you're a man & you piss me off
i have a killer headache... it's called work
Sugar and cheese are essential parts of life
The ice cream man is driving through the neighborhood. I'm pretty certain he sells drugs out of his truck
working for a newspaper is like letting the devil fuck u up the ass with a tree
sometimes i wish it was legal to go all Lorena Bobbit on certain men and chop their penises off when they make me mad
who's that eating a whole can of cherry pie filling ? yep it's me
I feel really shallow sometimes... I follow some people just cause they look cute in their photo
Life is a chess game and I was merely your pawn
If I didn't know better, I'd think I smoked some crack tonight
if u dont want neighbors to think you're crazy, dont chase your dog outside @ 1:45 am with spoon yelling "i want to spoon u" like i just did
why can't my health problems ever be normal, or at least common? i mean come on... navel bleeding???
some days i'd really like to drill a hole through my head with my power tools
editing stories sometimes makes me feel like an idiot....
Wallow in self-pity or do my mystery shopping reports ??? hmm, self pity is winning
I'm an emotional tornado.....
just told coworkers that "i'm prone to be a freak"
i'd really let myself love him... if i didn't hate him so much
i need a male robot..... one that can't talk
I really love writing dirty-minded headlines for stories... even if they don't make it into the final newspaper
i've decided that the older i get, the weirder i become
so sick of men now i may never have sex again
Quote from my brother - "when i fart its like world war 2 in my ass"
I'm bipolar by birth... i'm a bitch by choice
just wondered how a cow mixed with a poodle would look
renewed my drivers license today, why do i always look like a sexual predator in my license photo?
i love eating ice cream more than i ever loved my ex-husband
some days jennifer feels like talking in 3rd person
just told a friend this: "i love barbecue so much that sometimes brisket shows up in my sex dreams ... i'm weird"
i really hate when i go to the restroom at work and someone starts moaning in the next stall ...
i just learned how to say "you have a small penis" in sign language...
1. What is one thing that an family member does that just annoys the heck out of you? My younger brother channel surfs through TV stations so fast that we can never see what's even on. I don't know why he insists on flipping through the channels if he isn't going to see what's on
2. Have you ever been guilty of seeing someone in the store that has spotted you but you pretend not to see them and head the other way. why did you do that? I do it all the time. I hate talking to people most of the time
3. While driving what is the stupidest thing you have seen another driver doing? Putting on mascara and looking in the rear view mirror with neither hand on the steering wheel and not looking at the road at all
4. What is one thing that you have bought that you could just kick yourself for buying and why? My house. I really don't need a three-bedroom house for just me and two dogs
5. If you could change one annoying habit your better half has what would it be? I don't have a better half right now... THANK GOD
6. At work you have a worker that is lazy and tends to blame others for things not getting done…what do you do? I bitch about her behind her back. What else would I do?
7. What annoys you the most from fellow coworkers? Cellphone ringtones
8. Are you guilty for screening your phone calls just to avoid someone you know..why? I hardly even look at my phone when it rings, unless I think it's my mom or my boss
9. What aggravates you on blogger? Is it a person, things on sites, specific types of blogs? I can't think of anything specific
10. School either you were in it, are in it or have a kid in it…what drives you over the edge about the school system? High school teachers/coaches who hit on or sleep with students
11. What does your neighbor do that grinds your gears? Sell drugs and play music all night
12. What irks you the most on TV? Loud commercials
13. What is the most annoying thing you have ever done to someone else? When my younger brother was little and learning how to talk, I told him to shut up every single time he opened his mouth. I did it so much that he stopped trying to talk for a long time
This weeks question is: What do you want to do outside?
I want to start a garden of vegetables like potatoes, tomatoes, and green peppers, but it won't happen because of my dog. Last year after we bought the house, I did a small garden mostly with potatoes. My now ex-husband put up a fence around it, but Oreo figured out how to get over the fence. He drug up the seed potatoes and apparently buried them in other parts of the yard. Then he dug them up again and buried them again. Almost a year later, I caught him digging up one again. I guess he never let them stay in one place long enough to grow. I may be able to do a garden in the future if I want to go buy a 6-foot-tall fence that there is no way he could get over, but right now that doesn't really sound like a good use of my money
My 28th birthday is Thursday. I have an annual tradition of getting as much free food during the week of my birthday as I possibly can by signing up for Internet mailing lists for all the restaurants in the city and its suburbs. It started when I was a poor college student and couldn't afford to eat food outside the college's cafeteria. Now, it's just fun. I've gotten more free food offers this year than ever before, so by the time Thursday comes around, I may be sick from all the overeating, or I may gain 20 pounds, but as my mom says, "you only live once, so you may as well do what you want."
I also try to come up with a fun activity to do every day. Sometimes they're either free or just really cheap. I'm going to post a blog entry every day on what I got to eat for free and what activities I do.
Early Lunch: Chicken quesadilla and chips from Moe's. Normally costs about $6.80 but I got it totally free. I only ate a few of the chips because I don't like them without queso, but it was free, so it was all good
Late Lunch: Regular mesquite turkey sub from Spicy Pickle. It normally costs $7.40. I had to buy a small drink for $1.56, but got the sandwich free
Lunch dessert: Small cup of French vanilla ice cream with pecans. Normally costs about $1.80, but it was totally free
Evening snack - Chocolate chip/walnut cookie slice from Great American Cookies. The photo on the coupon looked like it would be a small cookie that would fit in the palm of my hand, but what they gave me was a slice that was bigger than my entire hand. It was larger than the biggest pizza slice I've ever seen. I took a couple bites and saved the rest for whenever I'm hungry later
Dinner - Turkey/bacon melt sub, mac & cheese and soft drink from McAlister's Deli. Normally would have cost over $8
Activity - Went to see "500 Days of Summer" courtesy of my older brother. It was a totally odd movie and the ending pissed me off
1. What is the strangest thing that has ever happened to you in a hospital (besides your illness)? Not enough towels? No condiments? Can't get your favorite channels? Come on, you can tell me. **Or....maybe this answer doesn't involve you being the patient.** I haven't ever stayed in a hospital over night, but I have spent a lot of time in emergency rooms. One time when I was 17, I went to the E.R. with breathing problems and a severe sore throat. They wanted to test me for mono, but they couldn't find a vein to take blood from. They kept poking me with needles all over my arms and hands, but couldn't find a vein. Several nurses and two doctors all tried to do it, but they never had any luck. Finally after four hours of getting needles shoved in me, I said that I was sick of it and left without ever getting blood taken
2. If you had your choice of IV cocktails, what would you choose? I'd just go with morphine so it would knock out my chronic pain for a while
3. Tell us your funniest hospital story. Like I said in #1... never stayed in hospital overnight
4. Do you have any hospital phobias? I'm afraid of waking up and finding out that a surgeon took out my liver or something when I just went in for some simple thing
5. Imagine you are in bed trying to get some sleep after a long night of interruptions by the nurse on duty who would NOT stop waking you up to see if you were asleep...It is 3am. You finally get to sleep. She comes in at 3:15 and wakes you up again. What happens next? I'd tell her to leave me alone
6. You are stuck in the elevator with an attractive person of the opposite sex. You notice there is no wedding band. Do you strike up a conversation? If so, what is the first thing you would say? I don't say anything. I hate talking to people on the elevator
7. A very odd patient wanders into your room from the upstairs psychiatric ward. What do you do? I talk to him and have the most interesting conversation of my life, and I sound just as crazy as him
My 28th birthday is Thursday. I have an annual tradition of getting as much free food during the week of my birthday as I possibly can by signing up for Internet mailing lists for all the restaurants in the city and its suburbs. It started when I was a poor college student and couldn't afford to eat food outside the college's cafeteria. Now, it's just fun. I've gotten more free food offers this year than ever before, so by the time Thursday comes around, I may be sick from all the overeating, or I may gain 20 pounds, but as my mom says, "you only live once, so you may as well do what you want."
I also try to come up with a fun activity to do every day. Sometimes they're either free or just really cheap. I'm going to post a blog entry every day on what I got to eat for free and what activities I do.
Yesterday I got my first birthday card in the mail. It was from my older brother and it was this weird looking little dog. Inside was 5 free movie tickets.
Sunday - Day One
Lunch - "Wise Guy" gourmet hamburger and fries from Red Robin. The burger would have cost over $10 and had three fried mozzarella sticks, marinara sauce, and pepperoni on it. I bought a Dr. Pepper, which cost me $2.59, but the burger and fries were free. The waitress offered to give me a free birthday sundae also, but I actually declined on that because I didn't feel like I should get a $10 burger, fries, and a sundae for free.
Lunch dessert - Scoop of black walnut ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Normally, it would have cost me $2.08, but it was free.
Dinner #1 - Small "Original" sandwich from Schlotskys. Normally costs about $4.50, but I got it totally free. It isn't my favorite sandwich because it has olives, onions, mustard and pastrami on it, but hey, it was free, so it was awesome.
Dinner #2 - 5 Buffalo wings from Wing Stop. I had to buy a drink ($1.94) to get the free wings, but I would have bought a drink on my way to work anyway, so I wasn't out anything extra.
Dinner dessert - Slice of turtle cheesecake from Fazoli's. Normally it costs about $2.70, but I didn't have to pay anything. It was almost way too sweet for me. I took a few bites and almost couldn't keep going.
Fun activity - I went to my favorite pet store and played with a ton of cute puppies for almost an hour. It's the best free fun I've ever found.
Here's what I've got planned for the rest of the week so far. It's all subject to change because I keep getting more and more free offers in my email:
Monday - Day Two Breakfast: Belgium waffle from Mimi's Cafe Lunch: Turkey sub sandwich from Which Wich Lunch dessert: Scoop of ice cream from Coldstone Creamery Dinner: Chicken quesadilla from Moe's Southwest Grill Dinner dessert: Giant cookie with ice cream from BJ's Brewhouse (I think I may have to buy something small for this one, but the cookie is so good it's worth it) Activity: Free movie, courtesy of my brother
Tuesday - Day Three Lunch: Another chicken quesadilla from a different Moe's Lunch dessert: Scoop of ice cream from Marble Slab Creamery Dinner: Sandwich from Spicy Pickle Activity: Either $10 worth of ski ball games at the arcade or another free movie, courtesy of my brother
Wednesday - Day Four Lunch: Chicken quesadilla from Qdoba
Thursday - Day Five, actual birthday Lunch: Sub sandwich from Quiznos Lunch dessert: Cookie from Mrs. Fields store (This free offer is actually for everyone. It just happens to coincide with my birthday. Click here for information)
It’s not really fall until... the leaves turn colors
What did you need to do in the waning days of summer for it to feel complete? I didn't do anything different than the beginning of the summer
A person I know was wrong for me but about whom I frequently thought after a break-up was... Aaron, of course
If you could only attend one major sporting event what would it be? I guess it would be the Olympic gymnastic competitions
Assuming that you write an anonymous or partially anonymous blog, by what non-physically identifying characteristics might you be identified in a bar? Non-physically identifying? What does that even mean?
Most blogs cover some sort of niche – personal, political, dating, culinary, etc. What topic, if any, would you like to address on your blog but doesn’t fit into your niche? My niche is technically mental health, but I don't stick to that, so I talk about whatever I want
If you could manipulate the time space continuum and give as many as three pieces of advice to a younger version of yourself, what advice would you give and to what age of you? Age 19: Don't lose your virginity to Aaron. Age 22: Don't invite your now ex-husband over to meet you. Age 24: Don't get back with your husband after he slits your wrist
Who among your friends do you really wish had a blog because their stories, or perspective on something ought to be shared? I have a friend who is really private about her personal life, and I wish she had a blog that revealed her secrets. It kills me sometimes that she doesn't talk about her life ever
If you were to take an e-cation (vacation from the trappings of our electronic world,) and assuming that employment obligations would allow it, how long of a break could you take? What would you miss the most, the least? I could only make it 24 hours without the internet
On September 11th of this year, I attended a couple of parties and was somewhat conflicted by the fact that this ignoble anniversary shall pass with it being just another day in the eyes of many (and in some ways my own eyes as well.) Thoughts? Life must go on ... If we don't move on, then the terrorists continue to win
How high are your walls? Who was the last person to scale them? What tools should would-be climbers have on their belt? Figuratively speaking, my walls are at least 100 miles high, and no one ever makes it all the way up and over them. No ever has made it fully over my walls. Frankly, the tools don't matter because nothing is going to get them over the walls. They should give up before they even try
The sexiest thing a man or a woman can say to you (or has said to you) is: "I love you" and really mean it
1. If you could have named yourself, which name would you have chosen, and why? Tiffany... that's what I've called my inner-slut for years
2. If you could relive a year in your life, what age would it be, and why? I'd relive the year I was 19. I'd change so many things because I made alot of mistakes that year... including losing my virginity to stupid stupid Aaron
3. If you could go back and change one friendship in your past, who would it have been, and why? I'd fix things with my ex-best friend "S." We were so close from the time I was 14 to 21, but stupid us developed sexual feelings for each other and messed around for a while. That killed our friendship. Well that and the fact that she slept with the previously mentioned Aaron when I was in a serious relationship with him
4. If you could have dated one person in your past that you did not date, who would it be, and why? My other best friend from high school. Everyone always thought we were secretly seeing each other, but we never did. I found out years later that he liked me at different points during the years we were friends, and I had liked him sometimes too, but apparently it was never at the same time... I ended up seeing his younger brother instead
6. If you had the opportunity to live in another country, which one would it be, and why? If you choose NOT to live in another country, why do you want to stay in your current country? I'd move to Australia so I could play with koalas and kangaroos... yeah I know a lot of people who live there have never seen them outside of a zoo, but in my mind they roam around free all over the country
7. If you could choose your dream job, what would it be, and why? Psychiatrist, so I could help "cure" my friends and family members of their depression and other mental illnesses
8. If you could wish a wish and it be guaranteed to come true (other than riches) what would it be, and why? That there'd be a magical pill to cure depression
9. If you could meet two blogger friends (you may choose more, if you wish) who would they be? That's the easiest question out of all of them ... Lissy and Frida would be the ones I'd most want to meet ... but there's a lot of others I'd like to meet too
1. Does soap or shampoo have to really lather up for you to feel that it cleaned thoroughly?
Yes, well as much as my hard water will let it lather up
2. Do you have a long standing joke with someone that you still laugh about every time you talk to that person? It's not really a joke I guess, but when I was 16 and had mono, I was totally out of it one day and called a horse a "kitty." I was so drugged up at the time. To this day, 11 years later my mom and I call horses "kitties" instead of horses
3. Share something that happened to you this past week that was unusual. I got a transvaginal ultrasound. That was very gross and unusual
4. If you dropped a purple crayon and a green crayon off a roof, which would melt faster in the sun? They'd melt at the same time, combine and make a gross brown poopy color
5. You are standing in line (grocery store, bank, etc.), and someone gets in line behind you that stinks. The stink is so bad that people in line in front of you turn around and look to see if you are the one causing the stink. Do you cover your nose, hold your breath, breathe through your mouth or just get out of line altogether? Cover my nose and mouth the words "Oh my God" so the others know it wasn't me
6. If you dropped your cell phone in the toilet, would you fish it out? If so, how much soap would you use to wash your hands afterwards? Who would leave their $200 phone in a toilet??? I'd use tons of soap and hand-sanitizer
7. Sydney Australia dust storm (link). How long do you think it would take you to clean your house after that sort of dust storm? Probably will be cleaning for the rest of my life in the house because I'm OCD like that
8. Do you think you can dance? Nope, but that doesn't stop me from dancing around the house in a tshirt and panties
9. You are out to eat and someone across the room is staring at you. Do you get paranoid, try to ignore them, or go find out why they are staring at you? Well, are they hot or not? If they're good looking, I'll do a cute little smile. If not, I'll roll my eyes and then ignore them
10. Come up with a crazy, wacky Thursday Thunk question. Do you have a super-secret hiding place and what's in it?
I want to know what my dogs think about when they stare at me for hours at a time. I never know what they want or what they're thinking, and it drives me nuts. They make me so paranoid. Just like when Oreo was lying on the couch staring at me the other day when I snapped this photo...
I'm really struggling this week. I'm depressed as hell and I'm not even really sure why. I keep having to fight off the urge to cut myself or throw away my sobriety and get drunk. So far, I'm fighting off those bad feelings, but it's so not easy. I keep going into crying fits. It's so bad that today I feel like a bus ran over me, then backed up and ran over me again. My stomach is going crazy, and every time I try to eat, I feel like vomiting. I have a migraine from the constant crying. I just want to curl up and sleep until the depression goes away, but I can't really sleep.
At least I have the dogs to keep me company as I lay on the couch all day ...
1. Do you talk to yourself and what about? Do you answer back? I hear voices in my head all the time, and I talk to them about whatever they want to talk about. It's all good until they start yelling at me
2. Have you ever made up your own language? I have only one language: Bitch
3. It's confession time. Dig in to your closet of shame and tell us one totally insane thing you have ever done in your life. I had sex in a public pool with a few people watching. I was drunk, that's my only explanation
4. So what is that one annoying thing in life that just drives you to that insanity level and why? Old people who drive at 5 miles per hour. Get the hell out of my way! I have somewhere important to be
5. You see a guy stripping butt naked and starts running around the street…what do you do? Point, laugh, and make a loud comment about his small penis
6. Have you every had anyone tell you “you’re crazy?” what made them say that. Who hasn't called me crazy at some point? I am pretty crazy, so I'm ok with that
7. What would your Life Motto be? Anymore it is: “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away”
8. Finish this sentence ever time a bell rings… ... I want to beat the hell out of the person ringing the bell
9. If you had a phobia what would it be and why? Heights... totally afraid of heights
10. When you go to starbucks do you swear they put crack in it just to get you to come back and pay 4.50 for it? If you don’t go is it because your might just get addicted? It's not crack... it's meth
11. Do you believe you have a pet that can tell you what they want? Like open the door, feed them or pet them. Is this crazy? Oh, yeah. My dogs always tell me what they want. It's not crazy at all
12. What part of cell phones drive you crazy? Stupid ass ringtones that everyone insists on having ... if I hear "Birthday Sex" coming from a cellphone at the office again, I'm going to beat him with his phone
13. If you could have a psychotic break and at most have to spend 3 months in the mental ward what would you do? Well... that depends on if I can murder someone or not... If I could murder people and just spend time in a mental ward, I'd go on a killing spree and kill the people who piss me off
After work Saturday night, I randomly decided to go to Wal-Mart. I was just going to get some bottled water because I was out. I picked up my water and started toward the register. Suddenly I walked past an aisle's endcap with clearance items. Something caught my eye...
Yep, right there at eye level, on clearance, was this pretty little wall hanging with the "Life is not measured ..." quote that has recently become my life's motto (or whatever you want to call it). It amazes me how this quote keeps coming up in my daily life, but honestly this time I wasn't as surprised that it caught my eye. Of course, I bought it and it will go on my desk at work.
But that wasn't the most breath-taking moment of the night ...
When I got into my car to leave Wal-Mart, I turned the key in the ignition and my radio automatically started. The first words out of the speaker were "I will not fall, I will not fade, I will take your breath away." I didn't recognize the song at all, so I kept listening closely to the lyrics. The song really spoke to me, and as soon as I got home, I looked up the song and instantly fell in love with the song as a whole. The song is automatically going on my music playlist.
It's Breaking Benjamin's new single "I Will Not Bow" from the "Surrogates" movie, which is coming out on Sept. 25th. Think this means I should go see the movie???
"I Will Not Bow" lyrics
Now The dark begins to rise, save your breath it's far from over Leave the lost and dead behind, now's your chance to run for cover I don't want to change the world, I just want to leave it colder Light the fuse and burn it up, take the path that leads to nowhere All is lost again, but I'm not giving in I Will Not Bow, I Will Not Break I Will shove the world away I will not fall, I will not fade I will take your breath away
Watch the end from dying eyes, now the dark is taking over Show me where forever dies Take the fall and run to heaven All is lost again but I'm not giving in I will not bow, I will not break I will shove the world away I will not fall, I will not fade I will take your breath away And I'll survive, paranoid I have lost the will to change And I am not proud, cold blooded fate I will shove the world away
I will not bow, I will not break I will shove the world away I will not fall, I will not fade I will take your breath away And I'll survive, paranoid I have lost the will to change and I am not proud, cold blooded fate I will shove the world away
This week's Post Secret cards just got posted, and once again I felt a personal connection to a bunch of them. I always add a comment to each of the cards I post here, but this time I'm going to plead the 5th on why they appeal to me because there are a few of them (especially the third and fourth ones) that I don't want to reveal why they mean something to me ...
