As I said last week, I have started to read "Loose Girl: a Memoir of Promiscuity" by Kerry Cohen. I'm actually already about half way through it. It's much easier to read than some of the other memoirs I've read, but it's really starting to get into the deep emotional stuff now.There are two parts I want to quote from the book that really spoke to me. They represent how I've felt in the past so well.
This first one explains why I always wanted to try drugs when I was younger... maybe even now. I always hoped that I could find something to make me feel more in control of myself, but I always figured that nothing would ever help me. It's still surprising that I never did try them, considering all the other risky behaviors I tried:
"I love the way cocaine makes me feel. It's the opposite of most every other drug I've tried, all of which made me feel out of control. Cocaine centers me. It tightens time, brings everything around me into sharp focus. Lots of people take drugs to loosen up. Not me. I want to be pulled together. I want to look around and feel that I know everything I see. Cocaine does this. It erases the questions. I feel confident, resolved, so unlike the unsteadiness I usually feel. When the high wears off, everything is blurry again. Uncertain."
This one just speaks to how I always thought a relationship would somehow make me whole and less empty. Of course, I eventually realized that no one can make you happy other than yourself. I am in charge of my own happiness:
"I am sick, but more, I am sick of myself. Sick of the desperation and emptiness. Sick of the constant defeat. I am convinced if someone will just love me I will be able to focus on something else. I'll be able to enjoy my life. I'll feel whole and real, released from this weight."
4 comments:
I absolutely loved this book.
I glanced at this book in the library, but I felt kind of wierd looking at it.
I fully understand the feeling of being sick of one's self. Tired of my own voice.
There used to be a punk band called "Sick Of It All", that I only heard of because a disturbed young man who shot up a small college back before it was fashionable was wearing one of their shirts.
"I am sick, but more, I am sick of myself. Sick of the desperation and emptiness. Sick of the constant defeat. I am convinced if someone will just love me I will be able to focus on something else. I'll be able to enjoy my life. I'll feel whole and real, released from this weight."
I can really relate to this. Like you, I used to think the same thing. Like you, I eventually realized that it was not the case, and that true happiness has to come from within. And like you, I'm still looking for that happiness.
There are so many of us out there looking for it, and I am not sure we will ever find it on a blog or in a book. But both can help point the way.
Thanks for posting this, and thanks for swinging by my blog too.
I still need to be in a relationship, just so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. After a while they get tired of my ways and leave me very politely saying things to me like "Don't worry" or "I'm afraid you're going to do something". I guess when I open up to them, they feel my misery or I'm just a cry-baby. I'm drunk, I cant think straight.
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