Great date... but then death

I've had a strange day, and I can't mentally process anything right now. This afternoon I went on the date with that guy I asked out earlier in the week, and it turned out so great... better than I could have ever imagined. But as soon as it was over, I called my mom to tell her about the date, and she told me that my grandmother (my dad's mother) died yesterday... just a day after my great aunt on my mom's side of the family died. I don't know how to deal with all this stuff coming at me right now. Whenever I can, I'll post a blog entry talking about it all, but right now I'm just lost in my own head. Needless to say, the Project 365 photos are on hold until I can think straight also.

More about my grandmother

I called my older brother tonight to ask him questions about our dad's mother being sick and about to die. He said that she had been sick for a while because of lung problems (which I knew), but I guess she had gotten so bad that they put her into a nursing home. Then she had a heart attack, and now her heart is only functioning at 19%, whatever that means. The doctors have told her and my father to be prepared for the end because she doesn't have much time left.

I'm surprised by how I feel about her being about to die. I have had no contact with her in over 6 years, and I haven't had any contact whatsoever with my father in almost that long. But I feel like I should feel bad about it. In the end, she's family, and I should feel bad about a family member dying, right? I have nothing but bad memories of her. I have no good memories to look back on and feel sad about. When she dies, she will just be the crazy grandmother who was once a stripper and who gave me a box full of thong panties before I was even a teenager, saying "every girl needs sexy underwear."

My brother said that our father told him to tell me and our younger brother that we'd be welcome at her funeral whenever she does die because after all, we're her grandchildren. I know for sure my younger brother would never even consider going, but part of me thinks I should go to support my older brother and because maybe one day down the road (like WAY down the road) I may want to have a relationship with my father again.

My great aunt died today

My great aunt (my maternal grandmother's sister) passed away early this morning. My mom called me while I was in the middle of a mystery shopping assignment to give me the news. I guess my great aunt had found out a couple weeks ago that she had colon cancer, and it obviously was so far advanced that it took her from us today. Out of all my grandmother's siblings (and there were a bunch), this great aunt was the nicest one, and she and my grandmother were the closest, and they were best friends for their entire lives. My mom and her sister were also really close with her, so it's hitting everyone pretty hard. I'm pretty worried about how my grandmother will handle it. This was her last surviving sibling, and my grandmother has had a really hard life in the last couple years.

In the same phone call, I found out that my grandmother on my father's side of the family has gotten the "you don't have much time left" talk from her doctor's. She's been really sick in the last several months, and I guess it's gotten worse. I don't know much more than that because I don't talk to that side of the family anymore. My older brother told my mom that little bit of information last night, but did not give her many details.

Right after I found out about my great aunt's passing, one of my coworkers posted this music video on Facebook. It was quite fitting for my mood at that moment. I love the song so much.

Project 365 - photo 47 ... love

Despite all the things I've went through in my life, I still believe that true love will never fail you.

Project 365 - photo 46 ... hopeful

I woke up today full of hope for a happy future, so I wanted to take a photo that represents how I feel today. Purple is the color I associate most with my happiness, for whatever reason. The purple was all added in with Photoshop; there was no purple in the original photo.

So I like this boy...

There's a man who I've had somewhat of a crush on for a while, and he's single. He's actually two years older than me, which is odd for me, but for once I'm okay with that. I've decided that I want to ask him out for a date, but I have no idea how to go about it. I am 28, and I've never asked out a guy before. It really makes me feel pathetic to be this nervous. I have two of my coworkers encouraging me. They're giving me encouragement and trying to convince me to go ahead and ask him out. I just can't. I am too worried he'll say no. I just don't know what to say or not say. I'm afraid of being rejected.

EDITED TO ADD: Ok, so after hours of writing and deleting and rewriting a note asking the guy out, I finally sent it to him. I didn't ask him in person for several reasons. I thought doing it in a note was better. Now I have to sit and wait for a response. URGH

SECOND EDIT: He replied and said yes. I'm sort of surprised, but very very happy.

Project 365 - photo 45 ... byebye long hair

I finally got my long hair cut today. I hadn't had a haircut since 2008, and it was so beyond time to get it at least trimmed. I didn't get it cut too short this time. It's still shoulder-length, and it feels so much better, but I'm really sad to not have long hair now.

Puppies and birds

It was another one of those cold drizzly days today, and the sun never came out. Rather than allow my seasonal affective disorder-type symptoms go crazy, I ignored the cloudy sky, and I got out of the house and ran all my errands, did my mystery shopping assignments, and went to my favorite pet store.

The pet store had four tiny schnauzer puppies. They had just turned 8 weeks old and went on sale today. I picked out the smallest one to play with and took it over near the birds. It's always fun to see how the puppies and birds react to each other. This bird was very interested in the puppy, and the puppy kept putting his paws up on the glass and looked like he desperately wanted to play with the bird.

It was a very fun time for me (and I hope the puppy). He kept kissing me on the face and hugging up against me. It made me so happy.

Moments of happiness

It may be soon to say this, and I may just be cursing myself right now, but I think I am seeing the end of the tunnel concerning this current depression. I am struggling with issues of loneliness every once in a while (mostly in the middle of the night), but there are a lot of moments during the day when I feel happy... truly happy. I'm smiling and laughing often. I feel relatively content about life in general.

I've actually had a few good weeks. I haven't had what I could call a good week in over a year, and I've had three of them. Things are still a little bumpy when it comes to a couple aspects of my life, but everything is starting to work itself out.

I don't feel depressed most of the time now. I really think I'm pulling myself out of the depressed hole, one day at a time.

Project 365 - photo 44 ... LOVE

I found this LOVE ornament when I was in a store today wasting time in between mystery shopping assignments. I hung it off the feather boa on Anna, my mannequin.

I DON'T need them now

After I posted a blog entry about feeling lonely last night, I was lying in bed and wanted to talk to someone, and I seriously considered calling one of my ex-boyfriends. It's what I do a lot when I feel like talking to someone in the middle of the night, but it never turns out well. I remember looking at the alarm clock at 1:15 a.m. and picking up my phone, but then I set it back down.

A couple weeks ago I changed my ex-fiance's entry in my phone's address book from his name to "BITCH DON'T TEXT HIM," and changed my ex-boyfriend Aaron's entry to "Good-for-nothing Ass wipe." It's not really a nice thing for me to do, but I had to do something to prevent myself from contacting them in the middle of the night.

I've called the ex-fiance a few times in the middle of the night when I've felt suicidal in the past, and he's just made me feel worse by giving me guilt trips about how I hurt him. Talking to him just makes me ten times more suicidal.

After I convinced myself to not call either of them, I started thinking about the song "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum. Two months ago, I had never even heard of Lady Antebellum, but then they won a Grammy, and now they're on the radio all the time. That song fits how I was feeling last night almost perfect (well except for the drunk part because I don't drink anymore).



"Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum

Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor..
Reaching for the phone, cause i cant fight it anymore..
And i wonder if I ever cross your mind, for me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one and I'm all alone and i need you now,
Said i wouldn't call but i lost all control and i need you now,
And i don't know how, i can do without, i just need you now

Another shot of whiskey,
can't stop looking at the door,
wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before,
and i wonder if I ever crossed your mind,
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one and i'm a little drunk and i need you now,
Said i wouldn't call but I lost all control and i need you now,
And i don't know how i can do without, i just need you now,

Yes i would rather hurt then feel nothing at all,
it's a quarter after one, im alone and i need you now,
and i said i wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and i need you now
And i don't know how i can do without, i just need you now,

Project 365 - photo 43 ... Touching hearts

I got this fortune today in a fortune cookie at Panda Express. I can only hope that I touch many hearts and help people. I really want to help more people than I have hurt in the past.

Project 365 - photo 42 ... Books, books & more books

I took vacation days this weekend, mainly because I just needed days off from work, but also partially because there was a huge book sale put on by the Oklahoma City-area libraries. It's an annual thing at our state fairgrounds. Each year I buy a bunch of mental illness-related books, and inside I wonder if the volunteers who work as cashiers at the book sale are secretly judging me based on what I am buying. I feel as though I'm wearing my pin that says "I have issues." I'm sure it's just me worrying about nothing, but it's hard not to wonder.

These are some of the books I bought this weekend plus that pin I mentioned. The two highlights were finding a copy of "Prozac Nation" that is hardback and older than the version I had, and I found a new copy of "I Hate You, Don't Leave You" that is less damaged than the one I have had for a while that I had found at a garage sale.

Project 365 - photo 41 ... Laziness

Saturday was a horribly drizzly dark day, and all I wanted to do was lay down on my sofa and watch TV. It was very depressing outside with no absolutely no sun at any point during the day. So Oreo, Pearlz, and I were lazy and just laid on the couch most of the day. I kept taking photos of Oreo, which of course disrupted his sleep so he looks a little sad in this photo (or at least very tired).

No one to talk to ....

This Post Secret card explains my current depressed state tonight. I feel sad, but I feel like I have no friends to talk to about it. I don't normally feel lonely, but I am tonight.

Project 365 - photos 39 and 40

On Thursday I got a letter from a Christian charity that had the words "When you face a challenge, there are only two words you need to know ..." on the envelope. Inside it said that the two words were "I can," but I didn't really like those words, so I added my own -- "always believe." That's what I try to do when I'm struggling in life; I try to always believe that things will get better and always believe in God's love.

Last week I bought a Valentine's Day home decor metal tree type thing on clearance. I thought it would look pretty at the top of one of my bookshelves. This heart is on the top of the tree.

Loves, likes, and things I currently loathe

Things I love

• My dogs: I honestly can't remember what life was like before I got Oreo. He and Pearlz have totally enriched my life. If I didn't have them, I wouldn't laugh near as much or feel happy very often. I owe them my life.
• My mom and younger brother: We often call ourselves the "Three Musketeers." I rely on them for so much.
• Lissy: She's a great friend, and I'm happy I found her through Twitter last year. She's having a hard time lately, so we haven't talked much recently, but I'm sure she'll get through it because she's a strong person.
• My job: Yep, I said it. I actually love my job. There are some issues, but that's mostly with certain people I work with. Overall, I enjoy what I do and most days I actually look forward to work, and I owe a lot of that to a few of my coworkers who share my sarcastic humor.
• Lean Cuisine pizzas: I hate diet food. I hate being on diets, but those little pizzas are so damn good that I can forget that they're diet foods.

Things I like

• Maxim magazine: I have subscriptions (all of them free) to a ton of different magazines. Most of them are women's/parents' magazines, and I do enjoy reading them. But their food sections always include recipes that I will never make. Maxim is different. In March's issue, Maxim has a section where it reviews a bunch of different frozen dinners and tells you the best options for meal types (pizza, meatloaf, mac & cheese, etc.)
  Now that's a food section I can actually use.
• "Big Love:" I've never had HBO except on the occasional free preview weekend, so I have never really had the chance to get into any of its shows. But a few weeks ago when this season of "Big Love" started, I began watching it online, and boy am I addicted to it now. I've heard about "Big Love" in the past, and I was judgmental of it because it was about polygamists and I never figured I'd like it. I've never been able to start watching a show several seasons into it and start to like it, but this show is different. I didn't have to watch the previous seasons to catch up, which I really like.
• Project 365: I'm really glad I decided to embark on the Project 365 photo thing this year. I feel like it's forcing me to tap into my creative side, and that's definitely a good thing. There are some days when I just stare at my camera and can't figure out what to take a photo of, but I normally get over that by the end of the day and come up with a photo.
• Cast TV: I don't own a DVR, so I can't record any television shows that I miss while I'm at work, but ever since I discovered Cast TV, I haven't missed a single episode of any show that I like.
  

Things I loathe

• Bras: They're evil... pure evil. No matter where I shop for bras and no matter what style I get, bras hurt me. I know I'm buying the right size, but they still hurt. I always used to think it was because of the underwires, but I've bought some recently without underwires and they still hurt.
• NBC and the Olympics: I don't hate the Olympics. I think it's a wonderful tradition, but does NBC really have to play it 24 hours a day? During the Olympics, none of my favorite NBC shows are on, and the other networks seem to just play reruns because they don't want to compete with the Olympics.
• Oklahoma weather: It seems like the state can't decide if it's winter or spring. Some weeks it snows, other weeks it's sunny one day and raining the next day. I wish the
  weather would pick one season and stick to it (SPRING SPRING SPRING).
• Purse shopping: I've been using my current purse every day for about two years, and there's nothing really wrong with it. But I'm bored with it and want a new one. However, I can't find one to buy. Maybe I'm just too picky. I've looked in about 20 stores in four different towns and can't find just the right one. I've decided that the type of purse I want is just not in style anymore. My main criteria for a purse is that it has a long shoulder strap, but all I find are straps that hug close to your body.
  
• My ovaries: In the last two months (since December 18th) I've had a TOTAL of only seven days when I wasn't on a full period or spotting. It's horrible to be bleeding all the time. I have started to have dreams about cutting out my own ovaries with a kitchen knife (so not a pleasant type of dream). Also, I've started to have an additional problem caused by the massive amount of ibuprofen the doctor has me taking and by the constant bleeding. I'd tell you what the new problem is, but honestly you don't want to know. It's gross. Anyways, I despise my womanhood right now.
• Mystery shopping: It would be an awesome job ... if I never had to speak to anyone. My social anxiety has been insane lately and talking to strangers is not my ideal way to make money anymore. I seem to be ok talking to people I know pretty well, but if I try to
  go out in public and talk to strangers, it's literally painful to my brain.
• My cell phone: This goes along with the social anxiety thing too. Unless it's my mom, I really hate talking to people on the phone. A lot of the time it's a stranger calling me (whether it's a mystery shopping company, a creditor, or a wrong number), and I don't care to talk to them. I have started to leave it on silent most of the time so I am not even tempted to answer it. I wish people would just email me or text me.
  

Project 365 - photo 38 ... "Your therapist called"

Here's the other decor plaque that I found yesterday during a mystery shopping assignment. The quote on it is quite fitting to my life, and I thought I'd try out a little sarcastic humor by doing the "Your therapist called..." note.

Project 365 - photo 37

This afternoon on a mystery shopping assignment, I found another one of those decor-type plaques with a funny quote that really represents me. Well actually I found two, but I only took a photo of one of them so far. Thank God I get reimbursed for my purchases, considering I've bought a bunch of these things.

My doggies are mad at me

My dogs are upset with me. Yesterday Pearlz spent the entire day (8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.) at the veterinarian's office getting her routine exam and some dental work done. She hasn't wanted to have anything to do with me really since I picked her up from the vet yesterday. She had to get two vaccination shots, worm medicine, nail clipping, full teeth cleaning, plus some other stuff. Last night I tried to give her a piece of cheese as a treat but she kept spitting it out and wouldn't eat it because, I assume, she didn't feel like she could trust me. (She's also mad at me because I keep taking photos of her lately, and she hates the flash.)

A couple weeks ago, I won a free dog grooming session for Oreo in a drawing at a bank. He got it done this afternoon. He hates getting groomed, but he needed a professional haircut horribly bad. The company has a trailer and it comes and parks in your driveway, and it does all the grooming in the trailer while sitting in your driveway. They gave him a bath, cut his hair, blow dried him, trimmed his nails, put a scarf on him, etc., and now he's pouting. But he looks so cute. They did his hair somewhat like a schnauzer on his face, but shaved him all over his body, which was what I wanted.

I know they'll get over it soon, but I hate when they're mad at me. I don't want them to ever think I don't love them or that I'm punishing them by making them go to the vet or get groomed.

UnValentine Grumpy Meme

The UnValentine Grumpy Meme

1. I, Mimi Pencil Skirt Peace Woman, have officially declared war on Valentine's Day. If I see one more chocolate rose covered in stupid red tin foil paper I'm gonna have a fit. What did you get for Valentine's Day?
I treated myself to a nice Mexican dinner

2. What will you miss most about Valentine's Day?
Seeing hearts on everything

3. What could you have done differently yesterday to make the day sweeter?
Hmm, it was a pretty sweet day for once

4. How many roses make a dozen?
12 for a normal dozen, 13 for a baker's dozen

5. You and your love are getting matching tattoos for Valentine's Day. What will they be?
I would never ever get a matching tattoo with someone

6. My kingdom for a man who can spell. I am so tired of getting text messages from college educated 45 yr old men like .....I miss u ....wat up?.... B there by 8... or the ever popular U home? Does your significant other have an annoying cute little habit you'd like to break?
I hate when people misuse commas and quotation marks

7. What did you get someone for Valentine's Day, if I may ask?
I didn't get anyone anything

8. No one is looking. I promise. Write one word on this candy heart you've been dying to say to a romantic connection from your past. I will not tell.
I couldn't stick to just one word


9. Be a poet. Write a 4-line poem starting with Roses are red....
Roses are red
My heart is cold
If truth be told
I just want to go to bed

10. What song best describes your Valentine's Day experience this year?
"Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart" by Alicia Keys

11. I, Mimi Grumpy Skirt, am so glad this meme is almost over. This is my final question. I made it eleven questions in honor of the 11 roses I didn't receive. Aren't they lovely? This is my final final question, Regis: Two cupids are in a knock down drag out fight on the floor of the Senate. One is a constituent from Venus, the other from Mars. What is the name of the legislation are they fighting over?
Senate Bill 0214: Marshmallow Gun Proposal ... The cupid from Mars wants to start using a gun that shoots marshmallows instead of the typical bow and arrow, but the Venus cupid wants to stick to tradition

Project 365 - photo 36 - Wedding dresses

There's been a wedding dress in a mall dress shop that I've been head over heels in love with for almost three years. (see the right dress in the photo below) I'm surprised it's never sold. Every time I go to the mall I stop and stare lovingly at the dress for a while, basically drooling in awe of it. I had to go to the mall today to do a couple mystery shopping assignments, and as I walked by the store I stopped to look at it and there was a new dress right near it that I love almost as much. (see the middle dress with the red ribbon in the photo)

Deleted the ex-boyfriend

I just deleted my ex-boyfriend Aaron and his current girlfriend off my Myspace friends list. I also deleted another ex-boyfriend while I was at it. Now none of my ex-partners are on my Myspace or Facebook friends lists. It was a pretty big step for me. I'm rather proud of myself. I really want to move past all that stuff and focus on the future.

Kissing a cow... huh?

HAVE YOU or WOULD YOU... Kiss a Cow? Have you ever touched one?
My family has a long history of being cattle farmers, so yes I've touched plenty of them, but why would anyone ever kiss a cow? I'm sure if I had a reason to, I probably would

HAVE YOU or WOULD YOU... Give your pet a Valentine?
Yes. I give my dogs presents for various holidays often

Have you or would you do something odd with candy?
You should have defined "odd." Do you consider a popsicle to be candy? Oh wait, you don't want to hear that story anyway....

Have you or would you gone out with someone based solely on looks?
Yes, and I prefer that because you don't get emotionally attached

Have you would you go out with someone just for the meal?
Yep, and it's the same as the last question. I like that because you can keep your feelings toward the person casual

Have you or would you fall in love with 2 different people at the same time?
Yes, and it sucks. Being torn between two people is one of the worst things ever

Have you or would you place anything before love?
I put my family before relationships. Family is the most important thing

HAVE YOU or WOULD YOU... believe in true love?
I believe that true love is possible but it's never easy. Love is a struggle. It takes work. You can't really expect to just meet someone and fall in love at first sight and then live happily ever after without some speed bumps along the way. "Happily ever after" is so once upon a time.

How would you define true love?
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves." -- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

HAVE YOU or WOULD YOU... send another blogger a Valentine?
I suppose I would, but I'm usually too cheap to send Valentines ... or birthday cards ... or Christmas cards

Have you or would you do something really stupid in the name of love?
That's sort of the story of my life ... one stupid thing after another

HAVE YOU or WOULD YOU... Write a really cool Monday Mayhem?
I could if I had a while to think of cool questions