"More, now, again" ... obsessive hair plucking

A couple weeks ago, I bought a copy of Elizabeth Wurtzel's book "More, Now, Again: A Memoir of Addiction." Well actually I sort of traded a few old books for it at a second-hand book store. I've read "Prozac Nation" and excerpts from her other books, plus some articles she's written for magazines, and I've loved everything I've ever read.

I'm about 1/3 of the way through the book, and it's shocking me just how much I have in common with Elizabeth, or at least the person she was when she wrote her books. I knew we had a lot in common just based on what she talked about in "Prozac Nation." I've always felt a strong connection to her depression, self-harm, and other various issues, but I'm now learning that we have even more in common.

No, I've never been addicted to illegal drugs, like cocaine, as she talks about in this book, but I have really abused prescription drugs. She talks about how she became addicted to Ritalin and it almost killed her. It totally strikes a chord inside me with everything I've went through since I first got prescribed anti-depressants as a teenager.

Also in this book, she talks about she would spend hours at a time plucking hairs on her body, to the point where she would get sores all over her legs and she'd let them get infected. I never really realized before that other people did that. For years, I'd sit down somewhere and pluck hairs with tweezers for hours at a time. It started with my fingers because I'd get stray hairs on a few fingers and that would drive me crazy. Then I started plucking arm hair, then leg hair, then foot hair. Eventually I was plucking hairs all over my body. Forget shaving. I just plucked. I even plucked all my pubic hair. Can you believe that? I was totally obsessed with never having any hair anywhere on my body.

The problem with doing this is that you constantly start getting in-grown hairs, and of course I'd have to start digging into my skin to pull out the hair. I would basically cut into myself just to get down to the in-grown hair. I'd leave sores up and down my arms and legs. No matter how much it hurt or how bad the sores got, I couldn't stop.

I would get scabs on the sores and pick at the scabs over and over again. Nothing would ever heal. I even got three staph infections, which I'm fairly certain stemmed from picking at the sores.

Earlier this year, I was sitting at a Dairy Queen eating ice cream with my mom and brother, and suddenly my mom looked down at my left arm. "Oh my God," she said. "When did you stop plucking your arm hair?" She was utterly shocked that there was visible hair on my arm. I didn't really have much of an answer. I'm not sure when I stopped it. With my current stage of depression, I've become so lazy that I have stopped caring if I have hair on my body. I told her that the laziness has overtaken my obsessive compulsive disorder.

I then suddenly said, "If you think that's bad, you should see my legs." I jumped up, threw my leg up on the chair and pulled my pants up. I had a forest of leg hair. My mom started choking on her ice cream and somehow choked out the words "oh my God" again. I sat back down and said that my armpits were even worse than my legs, which was totally true. She begged me not to show her the pits.

Since that day in Dairy Queen, I've gotten a little bit better about things, well at least at shaving my armpits. Having a boyfriend that I actually see several times a week has gotten me to keep my armpits pretty much in check, but even my legs still get pretty bad unless I think I'm going to be wearing shorts in public.

Anyways, it's cool to feel yet another connection to Elizabeth. I feel much less alone in the world with my issues when I know other people have dealt with the same problems. I don't feel like quite so much of a freak.

I've started writing my book

I've talked about it for years... writing a book about my mental health and everything that has impacted my mental health. I've never had the motivation to actually start writing it until very early yesterday. I started writing about 4 a.m. yesterday and wrote for 3 hours. I wrote an introduction and almost all the first chapter.

I hope I can maintain the motivation and momentum to get it writing relatively fast. Of course, I'm lazy, so I have to overcome my laziness to write, which is going to be a challenge. Plus, some of the topics I'll write about are really hard for me to talk about, so it will be a painful purge of information.

Asking a favor...

I haven't felt very bloggy this week, so I haven't blogged. Sorry about that.

My mom and I told my brother about his former friend committing suicide. He took it much much better than we expected. He seems to be handling it okay. His medicine seems to be helping him quite a bit. He's much less depressed and seems to be handling anxiety much better. He's definitely sleeping a whole lot better.

He asked me to burn a bunch of CDs with "happy upbeat" music for him to listen to. For him, that seems a little weird because he's never been much for listening to music, but I guess he's been listening to music when he's upset. He's the opposite of me. If I'm depressed, I listen to depressing music. He wants happy music to cheer him up. I'm at a loss overall for what music to download for him.

If anyone has any songs that help cheer them up when they're depressed, please leave me a comment and share them with me. I really need suggestions. I really want to help him, but all my music is slow and sad.

Shit .... suicide is never the answer

I don't know very many details but I just found out that one of my younger brother's friends from our hometown committed suicide. They haven't been close since they got out of school, so I know my brother hasn't talked to him in several years, but they were really good friends for many years. Actually, he was one of only two good friends my brother ever had.

How the hell do I tell my brother about it? I'm sure he doesn't know yet. I only heard about it because of Facebook/Myspace.

It also hits me really hard because I was once best friends with the guy's older sister. My brother and I spent so much time at their house. I've known that kid since he was probably 10 years old.

Seriously, how in the world do I tell my brother? He's been dealing with so much of his own depression lately that I'm not sure he can handle hearing that one of his friends killed himself. I'm barely handling it myself right now. I am crying so hard as I type.

I may have suicidal thoughts sometimes, but I know it's never the answer. My problems will eventually pass. Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems. It's so selfish. You may end the pain you're feeling at the moment, but you create a lifetime of pain for everyone you leave behind.

Kitchen Wonderland

Thursday Thunks: Kitchen Wonderland

1. Billy Mays died about a year ago. What kitchen gadgets have you bought that you've used less than three times? What are they?
I'm like the queen of hardly used kitchen gadgets. There was the quesadilla maker I used twice before deciding I could do better with a skillet and some margarine...


And the Twinkie making kit that never got used even once ...

And the folding colander that never even had the plastic taken off it ...



And the smoothie blender that was used once to make frozen alcoholic drinks, not smoothies...


There has been many more, but you get the idea...

2. What celebrity would you like to shake some sense into, and why?
Lindsay Lohan. I don't think that needs an explanation

3. Jimmy Buffett just did on concert to benefit the victims of the Gulf. Name a Buffett song that you like.
I don't think there is one

4. How did you feel about Ringo Starr turned 70?
I thought to myself ... "Damn he looks good for 70."

5. What sport do you absolute see no point in watching?
Soccer. It's so slow paced that I get bored out of my mind.

6. Trivia time. Do you know the first names of the French twins?
Um, who are the French twins?

7. You are in the best seafood restaurant in Canada. What type of meat do you order?
King crab legs ... YUM

8. How far would an electric car have to go without a recharge before you'd buy one?
I am happy using my gas guzzling, environment killing car

9. Did you see that a high court ruled that you can swear on regular TV? What word can you just not wait to hear?
Fuck

10. You are in the finest steak and rib joint in Kimberville (Arizona). What seafood dish do you order?
Gotta stick with the king crab legs

11. What was the last concert that you attended that really sucked?
The last concert I went to was a rock fest with Korn as the headliner. It sucked because my now-exhusband beat the hell out of me at it and after it back at our apartment. The fight ended with him biting a chunk of skin out of my cheek

12. What type of accent would you like to have, if you were forced to change yours?
I hate accents. I'm happy not having one, but I guess if I HAD to have one, I'd go Australian

13. Kimber's got four kids with chicken pox. Berleen is not feeling the love today, so I was asked to host. What do you miss most when neither originator of TT is asking the questions?
Honestly, I'm not sure I can tell a difference in the questions

Teenage Dirtbag -- my new favorite movie

The other day I went roaming the video store looking for some random movie to watch (or rather listen to) as I worked. I spotted the movie "Teenage Dirtbag" with actor Scott Michael Foster's name. I have loved watching Scott on the TV show "Greek" for years, but I've never seen him in anything else. I had never heard of "Teenage Dirtbag." I had no clue it existed, but I rented it because Scott was in it, and boy was I glad I rented it.

The official synopsis is: "TEENAGE DIRTBAG intelligently tells the story of a popular high school cheerleader (Noa Hegesh) who is harassed by a delinquent classmate (Scott Michael Foster) until they are both placed in the same creative writing class. Through written words, they develop a strong bond of trust, companionship and love; but is it a bond that can withstand her elitist social pressures and his brutal home life? This film is inspired by true events."

I instantly fell in love with this movie, and I'd recommend it to anyone. It's a very dramatic storyline shot in very artistic color schemes which match the movie's mood better than anything I've ever watched.

The message I took away from it is that no matter what your life looks like from the outside, you can be suffering horribly on the inside. The girl is a popular cheerleader and appears to have a wonderful life, but under the surface her life isn't great. Her parents are hardly ever home and when her dad is around he treats her like a big disappointment. She is surrounded by friends all the time, but she feels completely alone. The boy is the "from the wrong side of the tracks" type of character. His father is abusive to him and his sister. His older brother tries to rape the sister, at least once. He's constantly acting out in school and getting in trouble.

The cheerleader and the bad boy form a friendship through poetry and writing notes to each other in study hall. Some people may argue that it's a really dark love story, but I disagree. I think they fall in love, but their story is an ANTI-love story. As much as they care about each other, they hate each other because they don't want to admit that they share the same type of internal pain.

I'd love to go on, but I will stop there because I don't want to ruin it for anyone who wants to go watch it, and I really recommend you check it out. I've placed a bid on eBay on a copy of the movie, because I desperately want to own a copy of it.

You can watch the official movie trailer below.

Robert Pattinson

Today we picked Robert Pattinson. Here's Wednesday Wickedness!

1. "I don't really see the point in washing your hair. If you don't care if your hair's clean or not then why would you wash it?" How often do you wash your hair?
Every day. If I don't wash it once a day, it gets really greasy and gross

2. "I take way too long to get dressed, like way too long. But only for things like shows or if I have to do public appearances. Like, I’m ridiculous, I’ll keep getting changed and getting changed and then I’ll just put on the same thing I wore the day before." Do you take longer to dress for a special event?
I don't think so, but I never go to special events, so it's hard to really tell

3. "My dad's a car dealer, but I grew up in London, so I always say I don't drive…I get driven. I got a driving lesson in Oregon, and then I bought a car in L.A. and I basically learned how to drive by people honking at me. I'm terrible at driving." Are you a good driver?
No, I'm always distracted or too tired

4. "I don't spend any money. The only thing I've really bought is my car, which cost $1,500 and keeps exploding. It would be nice to buy a house for my parents, but at the same time my parents are so comfortable where they live; they would probably just feel like it was a burden. I wear the same clothes every day and the only thing I used to splurge on was DVDs." If you had his money, what would be the first thing you spent it on?
I'd pay off all my debt

5. "I aspire to be Jack Nicholson. I love every single mannerism. I used to try and be him in virtually everything I did, I don't know why. I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest when I was about 13, and I dressed like him. I tried to do his accent. I did everything like him. I think it's kind of stuck with me." Who is your favorite actor?
Ryan Reynolds

6. "Someone stole my shoelaces once from my shoes. I still wear them and never put laces in them - they're like my trademark shoes now!" Have you ever changed your appearance because of a random happenstance?
Not that I recall

7. "I never really considered myself attractive. I was always kind of gangly in school." Do you consider yourself attractive?
Not really

8. "I definitely want to record an album, direct a film and start my own religion. I definitely wouldn’t have to pay taxes anymore.” If you started your own religion, what would it be like?
I wouldn't start my own religion. Christianity is the only religion for me

9. "I do bear some similarities in the sense that I’m not good at romance. I also think I lack basic finesse when it comes to women. I give up too easily even if I’m very attracted to someone." Have you ever given up too easily in the game of love?
I give up all the time when it gets hard

10. " I don’t want to disappoint girls who might think I’m very cool and smooth, which I’m not, I’m afraid. I’m still quite shy, although that seems to be something of an attraction for women." Are you, or have you ever been attracted to shy people?
My boyfriend is pretty shy sometimes.

The Firsts Meme

The Queens's Meme #44 ~ The Firsts Meme

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Man I want to go back to bed

2. Where did you go on the very first vacation of your life?
Probably to my grandparents' house

3. Open the door of your refrigerator. What is the first thing you see?
Bottled water

4. Tell us about your first kiss OR your last first date.
It was during a Christmas party at my church. My boyfriend and I went outside to exchange gifts and we kissed. It was awesome

5. If you had wings to fly about the universe, where is the first place you'd land?
Paris

6. What is the first thing you do when you get in your car?
Put on my seatbelt

7. What is the first thing you ever said to your firstborn?
N/A

8. What is the last thing you heard about your first love?
That he moved back to the town we grew up in and is working for a construction company now

9. If you had created the world in seven days yourself, what would you have created on the First Day?
Puppies

10. What is the first song in your IPOD or song list?
I don't have an iPod, but "Sober" by Pink is the first song on my internet music player

11. What is the first tangible thing you lost that you could never find again?
I have no idea

12. Who is your favorite First Lady of all time?
I guess Michelle Obama seems pretty cool

13. Post a link to your first blog post.
http://bpdokc.blogspot.com/2007/07/who-am-i.html

14. When was the last time you needed FirstAid?
I need first aid all the time. I'm constantly hurting myself somehow. Today I scratched off a scab and bled much longer than I expected, so I had to clean it

15. Can you explain what a first down is in football?
Nope

Red, White and Blue meme

It's time for the Red, White and Blue meme. For each word below, write a sentence using the word and the color red, white and/or blue. Have fun!

1. Man.
I don't believe for a second that a man really gets blue balls

2. Woman.
Out of all the blue Smurfs, I never understood why there was only one woman

3. Car.
Those red, white, and blue flags that people stick on their car windows are annoying


4. Underwear.
My boyfriend has a Superman obsession, and I'm sure he probably has red, white, and blue underwear with the Superman logo. (Not that he'd admit it to me)


5. Socks.
My white socks aren't very white anymore. I should bleach 'em

6. Pizza.
Pizza should only be made using red sauce, never ever white sauce, and never have bleu cheese

7. Stupid.
Birds who eat berries and make blue poop on your car are stupid little bastards

8. Smart.
It's really smart to not wear bright red skin-tight shirts if you have massive fat rolls

9. Sexy.
What's sexy and red, white and blue? Britney Spears in this really old photo...


10. Strong.
Red hots are too strong of a spice for me

11. Twins.
Thank God red-headed Carrot Top doesn't have a twin


12. Bus.
I'll never forget the crazy times I had on the blue & white activity bus during high school

13. Harriet.
Harriet should've made a red, white, and blue cake for the Fourth of July holiday weekend


14. Monday.
I always wake up feeling blue on Mondays... oh wait that's every day of the week

15. Seriously.
Seriously, red is not the new pink

3 Post Secret cards I loved

There were 3 cards on Post Secret today that I really loved....

The Eighty Meme, Part Two

Sunday Stealing: The Eighty Meme, Part Two

23. Are your days fast-paced?
Only the days that I don't work are the ones that go fast

24. What did you do last night?
Worked

25. Do you use sarcasm?
No not at all... that was sarcasm

26. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
29

27. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
Yes, part of my job is being a copy editor, so I sort of have to be

28. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex?
I don't really get along well with anyone

29. Do you watch the news?
I sort of have to considering I work for a newspaper

30. How did you get one of your scars?
I used to cut myself on purpose when I was younger. Most of my scars of as a result of that

31. Who was the last person to make you mad?
My boyfriend

32. What is the last big thing you purchased?
My laptop

33. Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
Absolutely no one

34. What is a rumor someone has spread about you?
When I was in high school, people used to spread rumors about all the sex I was supposedly having with random people. I was a virgin, so none of it was true

35. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
Sleep

36. T or F: All’s fair in love and war?
False

37. Do you know how to use some words correctly, but not know the meaning?
How would I know if I was using it correctly if I didn't know what it means?

38. Do you know which US states don’t use Daylight Savings Time?
Nope

39. Do you want a bright yellow ‘06 mustang?
I don't want a bright yellow anything, except maybe a banana

40. What’s something you’ve always wanted?
A baby

41. Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake?
Never been to an ocean so I can't answer that intelligently

42. Do you wear a lot of black?
Yes, probably too much

43. Describe your hair:
Slightly longer than shoulder length. Medium tone brown. Totally straight

44. Where is/are your best friend(s)?
I have no clue

Project 365, photos 157-161

Sorry, I'm a little behind on posting my Project 365 photos. This first one is a lovely fortune I got at a Chinese restaurant. It made me smile. I hope I can find happiness of mind and heart.

My boyfriend and I just stumbled across a major pet adoption event one day as we were out driving. We had no clue it was going on until we saw a ton of tents. This dog was named Sadie, and I loved her.

I really don't like getting told what to do... or not do. Sometimes I like to drive the wrong way into the post office, and this "Do not enter" sign really makes me mad

I went to my mom's on a two-day trip this week, and my brother, her and I went for a walk downtown, and there was an old building that had no windows left. Someone had painted a sun on one of the pieces of wood covering a window. I guess if you can't have real sunlight, fake it

These are some of my mom's pretty flowers. They've very interesting. They will only stay open when it's not hot. So they're open at night and early in the morning, but as soon as the temperatures start to rise, they close up. Then open back up once it cools back down. This photo also fulfills #28 (old building) on my summer photo scavenger hunt

Discount program for Effexor XR

I'm both happy and annoyed to find out that there is now a discount program for Effexor XR. You can sign up for a card on the Effexor XR website and only have to pay $4 for a months worth of medicine. I'm happy because I've been paying a $35-$40 co-pay on it for years, so I'll start saving quite a bit of money. (I just just got my card in the mail today so I haven't used it yet.) I'm annoyed because apparently it came out back in April, and I'm just now finding out about it. If I found out about it when it first came out, I would have already saved quite a bit of money.

Anyways, I thought I'd let you guys know about it in case you hadn't heard about it yet. $4 a month for a brand-name medicine is a wonderful deal.