Looking for book suggestions

I'll be finished reading "Loose Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity" by Kerry Cohen pretty soon.

I'm looking for suggestions on what to read next. I'm looking for some mental health-related memoir type book. Something like "Loose Girl" and "Prozac Nation" and "Girl Interrupted."

Anyone got any ideas?

Great Post Secret week

This was a great week for Post Secret cards, in my opinion anyways.

1) When I learned I was bipolar and had borderline personality disorder, it was freeing. I know exactly how this person feels. Getting a diagnosis somehow made my problems have a face and with a face I could fight them and be myself. I didn't feel so crazy because I knew there was a reason I was how I was


2) I'm scared to be happy a lot of the time. I've spent to much of my life being depressed that I don't know how to be happy. It just doesn't seem right sometimes.

On a side note, I love Frank, the guy who does Post Secret, but how he puts the two-sided secrets on the website drives me crazy. You have to do a screenshot of the main page to get the front side and then click it to get the back side. I'm sure there's gotta be a better way to put them on there that makes them easier to save



3) Whenever I've been in a bad relationship, my entire creativity has been blocked. I couldn't write or do anything else that took creativity.


4) Just because you decide to love and accept a child that resulted from a rape, it doesn't make the rape itself go away. I would never ever accuse this woman of lying about a rape just because she gave a baby life


5) I always used to wish I was a man so I could date straight women. I'm attracted to women, but many lesbians I've met in the past scare me. I'm not saying every lesbian scares me, just some of the ones in Oklahoma who I've met


6) I sometimes lie about who my father is just so I don't have to explain how he abused me, my siblings, and my mother.


7) I always wonder what men's penises look like...


8) One year when my family was helping my older brother move out of a dorm room. My mom started to open drawers to make sure we got all his stuff. Suddenly she pulled something out and was holding it far away from her and said, "Um, you left your, um, leather thong." He quickly grabbed it from her and shoved it in a box. That's been about 10 years and my mom is still creeped out totally by it

Majorly Personal Meme, Part Two

Sunday Stealing: The Majorly Personal Meme, Part Two

21. If you were to live your life without your best friend, what would change?
I consider my mom to be my best friend. I'd just die without her

22. Tell us about a era of your life that you really miss.
I miss being in high school and not having to worry about having the money to pay bills

23. Have you ever been betrayed by someone that came as a complete surprise? Without revealing the person, if yes, tell us about it.
I am very suspicious of other people, so even when someone betrays me, it never really surprises me

24. Do you ever think that is a good idea to hide your feelings?
I think the majority of the time it's a good idea to hide your true feelings

25. Tell us about your favorite year when you were a student.
Tenth grade year of high school. I was dating my first real boyfriend, and it was great (for a while anyway)

25. When was the last time you were in a very good mood? What caused it?
I was in a great mood the other night at work. It was sugar-induced. I get really goofy when I eat tons of sugar

26. Have you ever had a romantic relationship with a sibling of a good friend?
Yes, I dated my high school best friend's younger brother for a while. By "dated" I mean I made out with him a lot in hidden spots. We never went on an actual date

27. Tell us about the last thing that you did that you truly regret.
Not bringing dinner with me to work today

28. When did you laughed today?
When I saw a cute animal video on Facebook

29. Do you trust easily?
Nope

30. What do you care about that you wish more people would?
Lindsay Lohan. That girl has serious problems and is in total denial. People need to cut her some slack

31. Is it easier for you to go without food or go without sleep?
Just how long are we talking about going without them? I really can't go without either of them

32. What non-alcohol beverage do you enjoy drinking the most?
Mountain Dew

33. When you walk into a room full of strangers, generally how is your confidence?
No different than normal. I don't really care what people think of me

34. Does talking about sex with anyone but your lover make you uncomfortable?
Nope, I'll talk to anyone about sex. It's fun to talk about

35. Do you tend to believe members of the opposite sex mostly behave the same way?
Yes

36. Did you drink any alcohol this week? If yes, what?
Nope

37. Would you ever consider being a vegetarian?
Never. I come from a family of cattle farmers. I'd be disowned if I didn't eat meat

38. Do you believe that there’s always room in your heart for someone?
In theory yes

39. Do you believe in the concept of soul mates?
No

40. Last week, we had a few players criticize our victim’s questions. Which is fine to do and we value your opinion. Would you ever consider writing questions for Bud and me to post on a Sunday Stealing?
Sure, of course

Little Miss Can't Be Wrong

Saturday 9: Little Miss Can't Be Wrong

1. Who was the last person you dealt with that felt that they could never be wrong?
I went to an Office Depot the other day and wanted to use a manufacturer's coupon for post-it notes that was printed directly off the company's website. The cashier didn't know the difference between an Office Depot store coupon and a manufacturer's coupon, so I had her call the manager over. The manager came over and started accusing me of using a Xerox machine to make copies of a coupon. He said that a "real" coupon shouldn't be on copy paper. I said that I printed it off the internet, off the manufacturer's website. He told me that companies should never allow customers to print coupons off the internet. Um, excuse me, 90% of coupons are printed off the internet anymore

2. Tell us about one person who is the most like you.
My mom and I are a lot alike. She's like me just older and a slightly less open-minded

3. What is something you really want right now?
Sleep

4. What are you doing this weekend?
Working

5. Are you in a good mood? If yes, Why?
No, I'm in a bad mood. I only slept 2 hours last night

6. Do you have an ex that you are pretty sure thinks about you a lot?
I'd like to believe they all think about me all the time

7. What's one thing you wish you could do but can't?
Right now, I just want to sleep, but I can't

8. What's one trait you hate in a person?
If the person tries to control me or change me

9. What's one thing you like to do alone?
I plead the 5th .... *wink*

Quoting Elvis

Here's Rock 'n Roll Fridays! Today we picked Elvis.

1. A LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION “A little less conversation, a little more action please All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me A little more bite and a little less bark A little less fight and a little more spark Shut your mouth and open up your heart and baby satisfy me (satisfy me) Satisfy me baby” What is your favorite topic for long conversations?
Sex and sexual preferences. I like getting inside someone's head and trying to figure out why they do what they do

2. TEDDY BEAR “Baby let me be, your lovin' Teddy Bear Put a chain around my neck, and lead me anywhere Oh let me be Your teddy bear.” What was your favorite stuffed animal or comfort object as a child?
I had a sleeping bag that I got when I was 11. I still have it, I think, in a closet. It was my "blanky" for many years. I slept with it every night, using it instead of a true blanket.

3. SUSPICIOUS MINDS “We can’t go on together With suspicious minds And we can’t build our dreams On suspicious minds…” What are you suspicious of?
Everyone other than myself ... well ok, sometimes I'm even suspicious of myself

4. THE WONDER OF YOU “When no one else can understand me When everything I do is wrong You give me hope and consolation You give me strength to carry on”… What is the best feature of your present or last S/O?
My boyfriend is very understanding and accepting of who I am. He doesn't try to change me

5. ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT “Do the chairs in your parlor Seem empty and bare? Do you gaze at your doorstop and picture me there? Is your heart filled with pain? Shall I come back again? Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?” What is your favorite feel good movie when you are depressed?
"Prozac Nation." It's not at all a so-called feel good movie, but it makes me feel better when I'm depressed because it lets me know I'm not alone in how I feel

6. JAILHOUSE ROCK “Let’s Rock Everybody let’s rock Everybody in the whole cell block Was dancing to the jailhouse rock”… What would be the worst part about being in prison?
Getting butt raped. heeheehee

7. CLAMBAKE “Hey listen world you’ve gotta know I’m cutting loose and letting go Who needs the worry and the strife Life can be a ball now just following my life Clambake…gonna have a clambake”… What is your favorite food cooked out of doors (on a fire/ grill/ pit)?
Steak

8. IN THE GHETTO "As the snow flies on a cold and gray Chicago morn A poor little baby child is born in the ghetto And his mama cries cause if there’s one thing that she don’t need Is another hungry mouth to feed in the ghetto”… Where was the worst place you ever lived?
I'd have to say all the places I lived with my exhusband... not because of the location, but because of the company

9. LOVE ME TENDER “Love me tender, Love me sweet, Never let me go, You have made my life complete, And I love you so”… What is your favorite type of filling in a box of mixed chocolates?
Caramel

10. BLUE SUEDE SHOES “Well it’s one for the money, Two for the show, three to get ready now go cat go, But don’t you step on my blue suede shoes, Well you can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes”… Describe your favorite pair of shoes of all time.
I had these pink, silver and white sneakers that only cost me $10 at Walmart. I loved them because they were cute and cheap. I ended up buying three or four pairs of that same shoe

11. HOUND DOG “You ain’t nothion but a hound dog, Cryin all the time, You ain’t nothing but a hound dog, Cryin all the time, You ain’t never caught a rabbit, And you ain’t no friend of mine”… What is your favorite dog breed, or what kind of dog do you own?
I prefer mixed breeds. I love going to a rescue mission or dog pound and adopting a mut. They love you so much for rescuing them

12. ALL SHOOK UP “A wella bless my soul, What’s wrong with me? I’m itchin like a cat on a fuzzy tree, My friends say I’m actin wild as a bug, I’m in love I’m all shook up, Oh oh oh…mm, mmm, oh yeah yeah!” What shook you up recently?
Black mold on my bathroom ceiling

13. HARD HEADED WOMAN “A-Well a hard headed woman, A soft hearted man, Been the cause of trouble, Ever since the world began oh Yeah!” What are you most stubborn about?
Being a good partner in a relationship

Should I start going to AA ?

I have went to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in the past. I was always uncomfortable. The meetings I went to were in bad areas of town, so there were a lot of shady people at the meetings, and they were always meetings that allowed smoking so I had trouble breathing during the meetings. I've sometimes used that as an excuse not to go to meetings. I've always been scared to go by myself.

Well, recently a new AA meeting location has opened. It's really close to my house in a decent neighborhood. It's a non-smoking club. I've went by there late at night when I went to buy groceries after work, and there were some shady people standing outside. Last night I drove by earlier in the night, and the people weren't shady-looking at all. They did scare me at all. Maybe the people I've seen there before just went to the midnight meetings.

I now feel like this new location has taken away my excuses. I may start going to meetings there... probably during daylight. Maybe I will get something out of it. Maybe this time I can feel comfortable enough to go there and open myself up to letting it work.

Regardless of that, if I go back into treatment at the mental health facility, they'll have me attend an AA meeting one day a week at noon at the facility. The last time I was there, I didn't have to go to the meetings, but at that time I wasn't struggling with an addiction. But now, if I'm honest during my intake appointment about my alcohol/drug cravings and about how I've drank a few times while on psych medications, they'll sign me up for the AA meetings. If I don't go to the meetings, I'd be kicked out of the program.

2 meaningful passages from "Loose Girl"

As I said last week, I have started to read "Loose Girl: a Memoir of Promiscuity" by Kerry Cohen. I'm actually already about half way through it. It's much easier to read than some of the other memoirs I've read, but it's really starting to get into the deep emotional stuff now.

There are two parts I want to quote from the book that really spoke to me. They represent how I've felt in the past so well.

This first one explains why I always wanted to try drugs when I was younger... maybe even now. I always hoped that I could find something to make me feel more in control of myself, but I always figured that nothing would ever help me. It's still surprising that I never did try them, considering all the other risky behaviors I tried:

"I love the way cocaine makes me feel. It's the opposite of most every other drug I've tried, all of which made me feel out of control. Cocaine centers me. It tightens time, brings everything around me into sharp focus. Lots of people take drugs to loosen up. Not me. I want to be pulled together. I want to look around and feel that I know everything I see. Cocaine does this. It erases the questions. I feel confident, resolved, so unlike the unsteadiness I usually feel. When the high wears off, everything is blurry again. Uncertain."

This one just speaks to how I always thought a relationship would somehow make me whole and less empty. Of course, I eventually realized that no one can make you happy other than yourself. I am in charge of my own happiness:

"I am sick, but more, I am sick of myself. Sick of the desperation and emptiness. Sick of the constant defeat. I am convinced if someone will just love me I will be able to focus on something else. I'll be able to enjoy my life. I'll feel whole and real, released from this weight."

Giving Away Money

Thursday Thunks: Giving Away Money

1. To whom did you last give the finger?I'm sure it was someone who was driving next to me on a highway, but I can't remember when it would have been

2. If you had 1,000 dollars and HAD to spend it, what would you buy?
I'd pay my bills. That counts as spending, right?

3. What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?
Water. I'm always spilling drinks and food on myself

4. When was the last photograph you took? What was it of?
It was of my dog Oreo last night. He looked really sad after my boyfriend left my house to go home


5. Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence?
I walked near people smoking outside Walmart last night

6. What animal did you last pet or hold?
Oreo

7. What was the last superstitious thing you did?
I threw away almost a whole bottle of milk a week before the expiration date just because I was afraid it may have germs in it since it was a few days since I first opened it

8. What was the last text message you received?
"Stupid Zio's"

9. Berleen has decided to buy twelve goats. If she trades three for some awesome pot, loses one while she was stoned, what do you think she did with the rest?
Butchered one for food cause she had the munchies and then drank milk straight from another one's titties cause she was thirsty. Then the other six ran away because they were afraid

10. What was the last musical instrument played in your presence?
This stupid little kid picked up a plastic recorder flute thing at a thrift store and started playing it. It was a USED instrument and his mother didn't stop him. He put his mouth on it. Yuck

11. What was the last note that you wrote on your hand?
"WAGS" ... which is short for Walgreens. It was to remind myself to go pick up a prescription

12. Kimber announced that she was born on another planet. Which one do you think it was and why?
Pluto, the one that's no longer a planet

13. What are you wearing as you answer these ridiculously stupid TT questions?
Jeans and a long-sleeve t-shirt

my life in slow motion

Right now it really feels like I'm moving through life in slow motion while everything around me is in fast forward. I seriously feel that even if I find my way back to normal speed, that everyone will still be going much faster than me.

I know a ton of women who are pregnant right now or who have just had a baby. For many of them it's not even their first child. It's their second or third. They're all in happy marriages (or at least what appears to be happy). I have a cousin who just had a set of twins. One is a boy and the other is a girl. That's what I always wanted... twins that are a boy and a girl. Plus, she already has an older daughter. Two of the coworkers I work with the most are pregnant. It just doesn't seem fair.

It doesn't really help that another one of my coworkers who isn't pregnant and isn't married keeps talking about her biological clock going crazy. She's only 3 years older than me.

My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 6-month dating anniversary last night. It feels like we should be getting close to the point of engagement but sometimes I don't think even that will happen. I'm not trying to rush things. Actually I'm keeping things going slow between us because I don't think I'm ready for marriage... we still haven't even had sex yet (my choice). It still feels like it's too soon after my divorce even though it's been almost two whole years since I filed for divorce. Maybe it will always feel like it's too soon.

In the end I just want to feel like I'm going at a normal speed through life, not just inching along day to day. Many days I even question if I'm moving forward at all. I'm getting older but my life keeps going in reverse. It takes everything in me to get out of bed every day just to go to work and do whatever else I have to do. It's like one setback after another.

Going back into treatment

I surprised my boyfriend late last night on the phone. I called him after I got home from work as I always do. He was talking about something, not exactly sure what, and I suddenly interrupted him to say I think I need to go back into treatment at the mental health facility I went to two years ago.

He sounded really shocked. No one seems to see how depressed I am, not even him. I talk openly about being depressed but yet no one seems to believe me.

The facility is a daytime outpatient type place where I'll go for intense therapy and meetings with a psychiatrist 5 days a week. In theory I will go there during the day and then go to work in the evening just as I did during my last time there.

It will be a few weeks at least before I go into treatment because I will have to figure out the finances of it all. It will be over $2000 after the insurance has paid their share.

Project 365, photos 162-182

Ok, so I've been so damn depressed lately that I'm way far behind on posting my Project 365 photos here. Actually I'm way far behind on even taking photos. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed, let alone take photos of anything. Well here are the 20 photos that I haven't posted here yet. Hopefully I'll get my lazy, depressed ass to post them better in the future.

Pearlz using Oreo as a stepping stool during a roadtrip:

This sign now welcomes people to my newspaper's newsroom. I think calling it a "zoo" is quite fitting:

Pearlz sleeping in a laundry basket with clean clothes and sheets. I went through a long panic attack one day when I couldn't find her. Turned out she was asleep in the basket all the time:

Family of birds in the parking garage at work. There were babies poking their heads up out of the nest:

Biggest toad/frog I've seen in years. It almost became roadkill as I was driving home from work one night:

Just a pretty flag/sky photo:

This billboard is near my boyfriend's house. I love it so much. I just wish changing my life was as simple as buying a pair of new shoes:

This one was taken during a date with my boyfriend at an Irish pub. I was drinking Mountain Dew mixed with liquor. I was a little buzzed when I decided to take this photo. I thought it looked like there was a face in the wall behind my glass:

Flowers around the corner from my house:

This is my notebook that I've started writing my memoir in:

This is actually an orange flower in my office. Obviously I went crazy with color editing:

This is the moon looming over my office:

Flower from my front yard on a cloudy day:

Pearlz stopping to smell the flower after I was done taking the photo:

I took my friend on a roadtrip from Oklahoma City to Missouri for a job interview. We stopped in a bar for drinks, and the bar had all sorts of mannequin arms coming out of the ceiling:

Love makes a family ... and I love my dogs:

I spotted this painting on the wall at a pizza place that my coworkers/friends and I went to for lunch one day. All I want from life is to be able to think well, love well, and sleep well:

Happiness is a sad song:

I saw this beautiful painting on the glass window of a beauty salon near a restaurant my boyfriend took me to one night. I was really impressed that it was painted on glass. Some of you may have noticed that it is now my profile picture on Twitter:

Pretty cat I talked to at a pet store:

I had a conversation with this bird as I was sitting in the drive-thru at my bank. I'd talk and it would squawk at me. We went back and forth like that for a while. I'm sure the bank employees thought I was out of my mind:

3 post secret cards

Three Post Secret cards I loved from this week's post....