It's getting harder just to feel alive

I wish I had some clue about what is happening to me lately. I feel like I'm slipping back into a black hole. I feel like I'm losing my sanity again. I just don't get it. I had started to come out of my depression. I had started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Everything looked like it was getting better. Then everything came crashing down suddenly. It was seemingly out of the blue.

I've always been so good at hiding how I feel inside. Normally to the outside world, everyone thinks I have everything together. No one ever realizes how bad I really am. But it's getting much harder to pretend that I'm ok. I am constantly breaking down and crying in stores or at work or while I'm driving.

I hate going out in public. I hate going to work. All I want to do most days is stay in bed and sleep... if I can even sleep. My mystery shopping is suffering because majority of the time I can't get myself to go do my assignments. I've made myself physically sick over and over again, and I've had to call in sick to work more times since January 1st this year than I did in the first four years of my current job combined.

I feel like my head is going to explode. My thoughts race all the time. The voices in my head won't stop talking ... or yelling at me. Every day is such a struggle. There is a war going on inside me. I am scared I won't win this war. (Of course, I'm always afraid I won't win out each time I break down, but so far I've always made it through)

I've been having lots of nightmares when I can sleep. I freak out a lot about the smallest stupidest things. Some days I just want to beat my head against a wall. I feel like I've lost complete control of my own mind.

My sanity is so paper thin. I feel like my sanity is danging on a tiny thread that is about to break.

I think about cutting myself a lot more than I ever should. Some days, all I do is stare at my wrist wanting to cut.

Suicidal thoughts pop up from time to time. I am smart enough to not commit suicide, but knowing that I don't want to do it doesn't stop the thoughts from coming into my head.

I hate what I'm going through. I hate that I don't understand it. I hate that I don't know what it is. If it was the borderline personality disorder acting up, it would make sense. But it's not the borderline. If it was the bipolar disorder plaguing me, I would understand it. But it's not the bipolar. It's not social anxiety disorder. It's not post-traumatic stress.

Maybe it's everything all at once.... Maybe this time I've truly gone off the deep end.