So you may have noticed that I haven't posted a lot about my current mental health lately. I was afraid to post something until now in fear that I was going to jinx myself... but I'm about 99% sure that I've left the severe depression that I've been in for a very very long time.Actually to correct myself, my bipolar disorder has left the depression part of the cycle. My borderline personality disorder still has me moody from day to day, of course, but overall I'm no longer in a full depression.
I spent about two months in a mixed state with some depression and a little mania. Finally a few weeks ago, I could tell I was moving farther and farther away from the depression and more toward the manic side of things.
This is a good thing... for me. My manic stages aren't as extreme as many people's. Basically my mania consists of me actually feeling happy and appearing happy to the outside world. It's about the only time when people can tell I'm in a good mood. I don't go on crazy shopping sprees, I don't gamble, I don't sleep around, I don't drink or do drugs, I don't do a lot of the things that other manics do. Well, unless I go into a hypermania and then all bets are off.
It's also a good thing because it will be the first time that my fiance gets to see me be truly manic. We're celebrating our two year anniversary in a few weeks. In the two years since we started dating, I haven't been in a real mania. I've just been depressed, more depressed, and in a mixed state all that time.
So far, the mania is mostly manifesting itself as me being goofy. My sense of humor is totally off-the-wall. I think my fiance and my coworkers are having a ball with me right now because I'm cracking jokes and laughing so hard I start crying/coughing.
I've been dying for some mania for so long. I had forgotten how nice it was to not be so depressed. Of course, I know I'll still have some bad days. Life is all about the ups and downs... but at least for now, it feels good to be riding the goofy waves. It's nice to not obsess about cutting myself or wanting to kill myself. It's fun to enjoy life right now.
3 comments:
YAY!!!! I'm soo happy for you! And congrats to you and your fiance! :-) I'm really glad to see you happy! And Happy "Early" Valentine's Day! :-)
Glad you're feeling better. Being goofy can be a lot of fun, as long as it doesn't get out of hand. Just enjoy it while you can. I hope it sticks around for a long time to come.
I'm glad you're out of the depression stage, my least favorite place to be. I agree with Sid, goofy is fun, just be mindful.
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